Step 3. Hire a maid
In order to free yourself for those more important items on your agenda, such as going to the beach, it is imperative that you hire an empregada. For a small tip, the porteiro is sure to come up with a relative who will be available to begin work on Monday morning at seven o’clock sharp.
How to deal with your maid: When she arrives at eleven o’clock, your first Step will be to sit her down and firmly let her know exactly what you expect her to do.
It is important to keep in mind that maids will usually only do what you tell them. For example, if you request a turkey for Christmas dinner, don’t be surprised if that is all you find when you and your guests sit down at the dinner table. Also, since maids often come from small towns in the interior of Brazil or the Northeast, conveniences you might take for granted are completely foreign to them. To make my point, there is the case of one patroa [pah ‘trrow ah] (female boss) who, upon noticing there was no toilet tissue in the bathroom, asked her maid to please change it. When she went to use the facilities awhile later, the patroa found her maid carefully rolling tissue from the new roll to the empty one, sheet by sheet. The maid, of course, was not aware that the tissue holder was detachable from the wall!
Therefore, when dealing with your new maid, the following guidelines will help you get off on the right foot:
Demand a color television set for the kitchen.
Refuse to serve dinner after 8:30 p.m. since it would interfere with the novela das oito.
Break your favorite cafezinho cup and not tell you about it.
Ask for two nights a week off to dance at the forro (hick disco).
Use two kilos of sugar and one kilo of salt a week.
Leave all the lamps unplugged after cleaning behind the furniture.
Wax your antique dining room table with the floor waxer.
Go to the doctor once a week and only get back in time for dinner. Wear your clothes and drink your booze while you are away.
Get more telephone calls than you do.
Wash windows or wax floors; you will have to hire a faxineira for that.
Arrive in time for breakfast on Monday morning.
Serve dinner on Fridays.
Work during Carnival.
Remember to give you your telephone messages.
Cook anything except for rice and beans until you teach her.
Answer the phone or the front door during her novela.
Speak on the phone for less than fifteen minutes at a time.
Calculating your maid’s salary: Depending on her experience, you can pay anything from one minimum wage on up. It’s a good idea to check with the porteiro first to see how much others in your building are paving so as not to inflate the market. If you pay too much, the other maids in the building will demand raises — resulting in your getting dirty looks from your neighbors in the elevator. If you pay too little, your neighbors won’t hesitate to steal her away.
Once you are in agreement concerning her salary, you can simply calculate the amount to pay her each month by checking the newspaper for the current minimum wage. Then remember to watch the evening news on a daily basis just in case the government concedes some sort of bonus.
Aside from the monthly salary, social security payments, and her bus fare, you will also be expected to fork out for:
• doctor and dental expenses when the municipal hospital lines are too long, or the doctors are on strike,
• presents for her children at Christmas time,
• extra for a down payment on her mother’s television, and
• an advance for her to buy her Carnival parade costume.
By the time she has been with you for a year, remember to give her a month’s vacation, which means you will pay her one month’s salary plus a bonus of one-third so she can have some extra cash to visit her six children in the Northeast. And don’t forget to pay her a thirteenth month salary by the time the end of the year rolls by.
Firing your maid: If your maid has burned too many beans, sky-rocketed your phone bill, and fought with one too many faxineiras, it is probably time to send her packing. In this event, you will need to calculate how much to pay her to send her happily on her way.
It’s simple. If she has worked for you for a year and a month, all you have to do is calculate one and one-twelfth month’s salary plus one third bonus minus her share of social security for her vacation pay, then add another one and one-twelfth month’s salary to cover her thirteenth-month salary, then calculate and add the stipulated percentage of her social security and mandatory retirement fund you have been depositing in the bank for her every month (plus fines in case you plum forgot or the line at the bank was too long), plus a full month’s salary for severance pay to top it off. Got it? The grand total will probably be enough for her to put a healthy down payment on that house in the suburbs she’s always wanted.
Step 4. Buy a car
If you are a real Carioca, your best bet when purchasing a car is something used — at least five years old — preferably with a few dents and rust spots. That way you will avoid any nervousness on the highway or when parking, and the chances of it ending up for sale in Paraguay are «slightly» reduced.
Once you get the keys, the following recommendations may help you maximize the life expectancy of your car:
Always lock your steering wheel with a large padlock and turn on your alarm systems whenever you park;
Make sure that the most important item in your car, your horn, is in perfect working condition;
Place eight stickers on the windows and two beach chairs and a beach umbrella in the trunk;
Replace your antenna with a wire coat hanger and install your tunes in the glove compartment. (Or use your iPod!)
Step 5. Pay your bills
Being a Carioca, paying your bills is a breeze. (Refer to Lesson 7, «Dealing with Money.») If you’re not into on-line banking, or you simply don’t have a PC, no sweat. Just grab your utility bills, along with that grocery list and some change for your weekly fézinha (refer to Lesson 18, «Gambling — Legal and Not So Legal»), and head for the nearest supermarket or casa lotérica, most of which will be happy to handle your bills at the checkout counter.
And remember, since all other payments and overdue bills must be paid at the bank (refer to Lesson 19, «Famous Carioca Lines»), be sure to take along some trocadinho for the flanelinhas, tennis ball jugglers, windshield cleaners, biscoito de polvilho and tangerine vendors, etc., who will be waiting for you at every corner.
Step 6. Go to the beach
Your maid quit, the phones don’t work, the electricity is off, your tennis shoes were stolen, and your car won’t start? No problem. Fique numa boa (Stay cool), and do as the Carioca does. Put on a smile, slip into those Havaianas, and head for the sand. After all, there is nothing that a few hours at the beach won’t cure. Take it from a real Carioca.