Which leads us to another problem. For now, religion has less and less place in loving relationships, just as it has in the human psyche, to the point where not only is God absent from partnership but partnership has become more significant than God. Philosopher Simon May, in his book Love: A History, explains that where once we sought meaning in the divine, now that we can no longer find such meaning, we seek it elsewhere. Partnership is the source which is now expected to deliver all the hope and happiness that we originally expected to get from the deity.
When you think about choosing a partner, do you envision a quest, a crusade, a battle, a treasure hunt . . . or a stroll in the park?
Now, when we commit to someone, we’re seeking a God-substitute – which means they have to be perfect. Then we have to become perfect God-substitutes for them, offering unconditional, everlasting and utterly selfless love. Coupledom has become not only a matter of practical support, continuing the line or personal fulfilment; it’s now the route by which we gain sanctity and everlasting redemption.
Surely that’s impossible? Well, of course it is. Even in theory we can’t reach the ideal expressed by philosopher Friedrich Schlegeclass="underline" ‘through love, humanity returns to its original state of divinity’. And in practice we have regular proof of how implausible that aim is. Proof in our own imperfect relationships, proof in the daily media coverage of failed celebrity partnerships, proof in the divorce figures that over recent years have reached 70 per cent in some European countries – and that doesn’t include the endings of unmarried, therefore undocumented, relationships.
Is it any wonder we panic about commitment? Traditional ‘one time’ selection limited our freedom, but once paired off we had the possibility of lifelong security, and a near-guarantee that if we stayed the course, society would call it a win. Now we fear that if we choose wrong, we will end up not only alone but condemned – even damned – for our failure to make love work.
If we ask older relatives what partner choice was like for their generation, and what contentment, as well as what constraints, they felt, we may be in for a surprise. Our ancestors may not have lived in a love story, but with lower expectations – both their own and their partner’s – they may well have had more happy endings than we do.
New benefits
All that said, I’m hugely grateful to be living and loving today. For new order brings new benefits. Our partnerships are now our own, rather than those imposed on us by family or proscribed by community. More dating ‘windows’ throughout life means more go-rounds to discover which relationship decisions help us thrive. More arenas from which to choose mean more ways to find partnership outside traditional boundaries – across culture, belief, class and age range. More freedom to walk away if we pick wrongly means not being trapped for life in an unfulfilling half-death.
And the current challenges are gradually finding solutions. Increased need and decreased opportunity are being met by a battery of ways to meet potential partners. My mother and her generation didn’t imagine using dating agencies or matchmakers, but nowadays they often represent the elite level of the partner-choice range. My grandmother and her generation had never heard of the now ubiquitous speed dating – though I suspect she would have found it all great fun.
Then there’s new technology. In the past two decades the internet has extended choice from the few in one’s ‘village’ to millions worldwide; has given us a plethora of extra ways to reach out to partners through websites, apps and social media; has transformed the courtship process – albeit with the downsides that any newly born innovation brings. The landscape of relationship decision-making has changed for ever; where in the early 1990s, 1 per cent of couples met through technology, now an estimated 33 per cent do and there are claims that by 2040 this number will reach an astonishing 70 per cent.
This enormous social shift is being supported by the development of new knowledge, new insights, new resources. My mother – who was a school teacher as well as an incredibly wise woman – often bemoaned the fact that ‘how to love’ was not on any classroom timetable; her wish is now reality, with the growing crop of relationship courses, workshops, coaching and counselling that has sprung up to meet the need. Love may never in history have been so challenging, but perhaps never before have we been so resourced to meet that challenge.
Starting the adventure
Which leads us neatly to this book. I come to write it not only through my experiences as a teacher, coach and writer on relationship issues – as well, of course, as what I’ve learned through my own partnership decisions – but in particular through my association with the School of Life. Over the years I’ve worked with them, we’ve become more and more aware of a huge iceberg of concern around relationship choice, a concern that reaches across all genders, ages and nationalities.
How to Choose a Partner is a guide to finding the right partner for you – though be warned, it’s not a map, not a tip-list, not an action manual. Instead, it is a series of reflections drawing on psychology, philosophy, culture and ordinary human experience. The book’s wisdom is the wisdom not only of the many professionals who have considered the decisions that we make about love, but also of the class participants I have taught and the coaching clients I have worked with.
The aim is to inform, enhance and support your own thoughts, feelings and insights. Each chapter offers a different perspective on the issues, encouraging you to look not only at where you are now, but also at how your past has informed your present, how your criteria for a relationship can be clarified and refined, and how to explore whether you and a particular partner could be right for each other. In particular, the exercises and tasks that are scattered through the book invite you to consider the route you are taking on your journey and, if necessary, adjust it – to find, recognize and commit to a relationship in which you will thrive.
Here is the first task, an initial question for you to consider. How do you fit into this contemporary relationship landscape? Where do you stand as regards the ‘new deal’ of partner choice? Do you see it as an exciting challenge or a hopeless task, a complex puzzle or a terrifying trial? You might want to complete the following sentence. ‘When I think about choosing a partner, I feel/realize/wonder . . .’ This simple exercise will tell you a great deal about your hopes, your fears, your attitudes, your feelings.
As you read on, a final optimistic thought. You are not alone. There are literally many millions of people out there who, like you, are looking for a deep connection. Like you, they have previously made the best decisions they could, given their circumstances and resources. Like you, they have sometimes suffered regrets and disappointment but are now once again wanting to love and to be loved. There are many options out there when you are ready.
And, as the quotation at the head of this chapter suggests, by exploring these options you create a whole new set of possibilities for yourself. By taking on the adventure of choosing a partner, you have the opportunity of changing your future for ever. Starting now.
2. Being Ready
All things are ready if our mind be so.
(WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, HENRY V, ACT IV, SCENE III)