She stared past him. “You took my virginity then rode off like it meant nothing.”
Although her reason made sense, Win knew she was hiding something from him. “What did it mean to you?” he asked quietly.
Cait hadn’t expected him to turn the question around on her, but she should have been prepared to give him an answer. She’d thought about Beulah’s words during the long afternoon after she met with the undertaker to discuss the funeral. She’d argued with herself while riding a circuitous route back to the ranch, delaying seeing Win for as long as possible.
Beulah had given her a choice, unlike her father, who’d taken it away when he’d made her promise not to kill the murdering stallion and to have Win break it. It would’ve been so easy without that promise. One wellplaced bullet and her father’s death would be avenged and Win wouldn’t have disrupted her life.
Isn’t that what she wished?
“Cait.” Win’s voice brought her out of her dark thoughts. “What did that night mean to you?” he repeated.
You were… only a girl, but you’re…a woman now. Don’t let… him get away again.
You… ccan do anything you…put your mind to.
I ain’t… gonna ask you to promise. Your decision. Your life.
Beulah’s last words echoed in Cait’s mind. How had she known Cait had crossed that fine line from love to hatred and back to love?
“It meant everything,” Cait whispered, her throat full and tight. “I loved you, Win. When we were children, you always understood me. I didn’t even have to speak and you knew. Why didn’t you understand that night?”
His Adam’s apple dove up and down, and his eyes glittered brightly. “I knew, Cait.”
Shock and dismay filled her and she stepped away, putting more space between them. “Then why?” The truth hit her and she nearly doubled over with pain. “You never loved me, did you?” Her voice quavered.
Win crossed the distance between them and grabbed her arms. “I did, Cait. I loved you. I love you.” His eyes widened and his breathing paused. “I never meant to hurt you. I only wanted to protect you.”
Frustration made Cait clench her hands at her sides. “Protect me from what? You were the one who hurt me!”
“I’m part Indian, Cait.”
She stared at him, even more confused. “So?”
“Pa said if you and I got married, you’d be treated like trash. I couldn’t do that to you.”
Her mind sifted through his confession and one fact jumped out. “Your pa made you leave that morning.”
Win jerked back. “He didn’t make me. He just explained to me why I couldn’t stay.”
Cait closed her eyes as she tried to readjust her thinking after having her memories clouded by ten years of hatred and pain. Maybe it was time to clear the air once and for all. Her heart hammered against her ribs as she struggled to find the words she needed. “After you left, I was hurt and angry, but I kept hoping you’d come back. One week led to a month, to two months. And that’s when I knew something was wrong.”
Win frowned. “What do you mean?”
She felt the heat of embarrassment, but said, “I’d…I’d missed my monthly.”
It took only a moment or two for him to grasp the meaning. “Cait,” he said hoarsely, “I didn’t even think about-”
“Neither did I until I was faced with it.” She took a moment to gather her composure. “Beulah found me crying by the pond where we used to go swimming. I couldn’t tell Pa and there was no one else I trusted enough to confess my shame.”
“I’m sor-”
Cait held up her hand. “Don’t. It’s in the past. Just let me get it out before I lose my nerve.” She forced a weak smile. “Beulah promised to help me. She also gave me a kick in the butt whenever I was feeling sorry for myself. She reminded me that I was carrying a child, the most precious gift a woman can receive.
“My trousers were starting to get tight and I was wondering how much longer I could hide my condition from Pa, when it happened.” She wrapped her arms around herself and began to pace. “It started with cramps in the morning and by the afternoon, I knew something was wrong. I’d started bleeding.”
Win’s face was silvery white in the moonlight coming through the open door. Cait turned away, unable to bear his agonized expression.
“I wasn’t thinking very clearly, but I knew I couldn’t let Pa see me that way. I rode over to Beulah’s. By the time I got there, I-” The remembered fear and helplessness made her voice break. “The saddle had blood all over it and I would’ve fallen off my horse if Beulah hadn’t helped me. I stayed at her place for a week until I was well enough to leave. We told Pa I was taking care of Beulah.”
“The baby?” Win asked in a hoarse whisper.
“I lost it,” she said bluntly. “Beulah told me there was nothing I could’ve done, but I still blamed myself. I kept thinking that maybe if I hadn’t ridden over to Beulah’s, the baby would’ve lived. Then Beulah told me that I’d never be able to bear a child again.” She hardly noticed the tear that rolled down her cheek. “That’s when I started to hate you. I blamed you for the loss of our baby, and I blamed you for turning me into something less than a woman, a person who could never marry and have a family. Everything was your fault.”
“It was,” Win said in a raspy voice. “If I hadn’t ridden away…”
Without thought, Cait went to him and placed her hand over his mouth. His whiskers rasped her palm and a sensuous shiver skated down her spine. “It wasn’t anybody’s fault. Not yours. Not mine. Beulah kept telling me that and I never believed her until today.”
Win grasped her wrist and lowered her hand from his mouth, but he didn’t release her as he brushed his thumb across her knuckles. “Why today?”
“She knew it was you,” Cait said, ignoring his question.
“How?”
“I don’t know. She just did. She told me to stop acting like a child and start behaving like a woman. She was right. I’ve been hiding from it for so long.” She reached up and cupped his cheek in her palm. “Even when I hated you, I loved you. I never stopped, Win. Beulah made me face the truth.”
Win groaned and swept her into his arms. He hugged her close and Cait accepted his strength and warmth. Maybe she’d used the excuse that she couldn’t have children to keep her distance from men, but the truth was she’d only wanted one man.
Win Taylor.
He kissed her hard, almost savagely, and Cait welcomed his possessiveness. She returned his kiss equally as passionately, determined to show him what she’d kept inside, hidden beneath hurt and bitterness.
Deil’s frantic whinny startled them apart, and Cait jolted out of the circle of his arms. The timing couldn’t have been worse and she barely managed to stifle a groan of disappointment. “Do you think the mountain lion’s back?”
Win nodded grimly and Cait noticed his lips were slightly swollen from their kiss. “Stay here,” he ordered.
“No. This is my ranch and you’re not going to leave me behind.”
Win’s eyes glittered and a crooked smile claimed his lips. “All right, but stay behind me.”
She didn’t argue, but would do what she had to. She pulled her rifle from her saddle boot, glad she’d carried it in with the saddle instead of leaving it outside by the corral. Win retrieved his revolver from his bedroll in a corner stall and stalked to the wide doorway. Cait followed closely. He stood there, peering into the twilight and sniffing the air like a predator scenting his prey.
Deil paced back and forth in the corral, his attention focused on something only five or ten yards from his position.
Fortunately the moon was full, and Cait spotted a slowly moving shadow not far from Deil’s corral, on the far side near a stand of bushes. She’d never known a wild animal, especially a cat, to come so close to buildings.