Margaret Mizushima
Hunting Hour
For my sister and brother-in-law,
Nancy and Greg Coleman,
and their family
Chapter 1
Tuesday, Mid-April
“Whom do you trust, Mattie?”
Mattie drew her knees up, hugging them to her chest. The question her therapist posed made her pause to think. Finally, she answered. “Robo.”
From across the living room, where he was lying on his dog bed, her German shepherd cocked his head, ears pricked.
Although the Skype image on Mattie’s laptop wavered occasionally, it was still clear enough to see the change in her therapist’s expression. The kindness in Dr. Lisa Callahan’s smile radiated warmth that could melt even Mattie’s reserve.
When her brother, Willie, contacted her last fall after years of silence, he’d opened a Pandora’s box of repressed memories centering on her abusive father that had sent her reeling. She’d been unable to process them by herself, so she’d sought counseling with Lisa, a therapist who specialized in trauma and often worked with cops and soldiers.
“Robo has evidently proven himself trustworthy,” Lisa said. “What does it feel like inside your body when you think about trusting Robo?”
Every week for the past two months, they’d talked about feelings, and Mattie knew the drill—eyes closed to search inside before opening them to share what she’d found. “It feels safe. With Robo, I can let down my guard. Relax.”
Mattie sat on her living room floor, her back to the couch, her laptop on the coffee table in front of her. While Lisa waited for her to expand on her response, she squirmed inside, but she couldn’t think of anything else to say.
Lisa let her off the hook. “Safety is a basic human need. I imagine it’s a relief to let down your guard.”
“Yeah.” A spiral notebook that Mattie used for assignments and journaling sat on the table beside her computer, and she flipped open the cover, picked up a pen, and wrote the word “Trust” on a blank page, underlining it twice. “Trust is a hard one for me.”
“It’s hard for a lot of people. Let’s focus on that feeling you get when you’re relaxing with Robo. Reestablish that feeling.”
Exhausted from months of poor sleep, Mattie tried, but a niggling twinge of anxiety had crept in and tightened her chest.
“Think of one of your friends,” Lisa said, “and how you feel about the concept of trust with that person.”
Mattie thought of Cole Walker, the local veterinarian, but her feelings for him were so balled up, she didn’t want to untangle them in front of her therapist. “I don’t have many friends.”
“Colleagues, then. You’ve talked about some of the people at work before.”
Mattie shook her head. The first person that came to mind was Chief Deputy Ken Brody.
“What?” Lisa asked, apparently in response to the expression on Mattie’s face.
“I was thinking about Brody. I would trust him with my life, but I’d never trust him with my feelings.”
“That’s a good observation.”
“There’s no one I’d rather have at my back, but I wouldn’t share anything personal with him.”
“Pay attention to that part for a moment . . . that feeling of guarding yourself. Then tell me about it.”
Mattie needed only a second. She was well aware of this feeling—this wariness of others. It seemed like her approach with the entire world. “There’s a sort of tightness in my muscles through my whole body. Like I’m going to need to protect myself.”
“Fight or flight.”
“Yeah.”
“That’s good work, Mattie. You’re much more aware of your body’s reactions to your feelings than you were before. And I especially like how you can isolate how you feel about your colleague Brody. Let’s move on to another person you work with.”
Instantly, Mattie thought of the departmental dispatcher, with her flowing, hippie-like garments and wide-open approach to life. “Rainbow. I guess I would call her a friend. Yeah, she’s a friend even though we don’t have much in common.”
Lisa nodded. “How about your level of trust with her?”
“She’s easy to be around, but I don’t share my feelings with her. Not anything important anyway.”
Lisa used that look, the expression that meant I’m listening; keep talking.
So Mattie did. “Rainbow is a kind person. She wouldn’t do anything to hurt me on purpose. I don’t think she’d try to hurt anyone. I guess I don’t tell her much because she’s the one who does the talking when we’re together.”
“These are probably all reasons why you would call her a friend. Do you think you could share something about yourself with her?”
Mattie rolled her shoulders. “Right now, I’m having trouble staying relaxed, and my muscles are pretty tight. But I think Rainbow is the type of person I could trust.”
“There are times when the brain tells you that you’re okay even when your body is guarding or holding itself ready to protect you, either emotionally or physically. Pay attention to that. That’s part of emotional self-reliance.”
Mattie picked up her pen and wrote “Emotional self-reliance” in her notebook.
“Let’s do this exercise with one other person . . . the woman who recently moved to Timber Creek, the detective you’ve mentioned whom you seem to like.”
When Mattie closed her eyes, she discovered a feeling of lightness and warmth associated with the brassy detective that surprised her. She grinned. “Stella LoSasso. She’s like a cross between a mother hen and Godzilla.”
Lisa smiled back. “And trust?”
“I guess I would trust her with almost anything. She’d have my back in a shootout, and she looks out for my best interests. She already knows my deepest secrets, but she doesn’t judge me. Well, I guess I could say she judges me all the time, but not in a bad way. More like she wants what’s best for me. That’s the mother hen part.”
“Sounds like qualities you appreciate.”
Mattie’s phone vibrated against the coffee table. She’d turned off the ringer during her therapy session but left the phone where she could see it. An emergency text told her to call the sheriff’s department.
“I’m getting a call from the station, Lisa. I need to check in.”
Lisa frowned. “All right, but I hate for you to miss your session. You look like you need it. How are you sleeping, Mattie?”
“Not very well.” Flashes of memory had been haunting her for months, and sleepless nights stacked up one after another. Only when total exhaustion took over could she fall asleep.
“It’s time to address this issue,” Lisa said. “Is there a place in your town where you can get some bodywork, like massage or craniosacral therapy?”
Anya Yamamoto at the Valley Vista hot springs did massage, but . . . no way. “I’m not sure.”
“That’s your assignment this week. Take a look at what’s available in the area. The other thing you might consider is breath training and stretching. A yoga class could combine both.”
“I don’t think we have yoga classes in Timber Creek.”
“While you’re looking for a massage therapist, ask around about yoga too. I think the running that you started as a teen has helped you with your emotions all these years. But I think you should add in more stretching, even if you do it on your own.”