Читать онлайн "I, Alien" - Резник Майкл (Майк) Даймонд - RuLit

Which brings me back to Man. I knew the moment I set things in motion that eventually Man would evolve, and while I couldn’t foresee just how aggravating he would be, I know he wasn’t going to rank up there with my finer creations like the grubworm and the amoeba. I tried to turn the place into a water world and start over, but I’d only gotten forty days into it when my Instructor made me stop and gave me a long, boring lecture on planetary irrigation.

Then I figured, well, eventually Man’s going to want to reach the stars, and I decided to have pity on my other creations and make it as difficult as possible for him, so I got my Instructor’s permission to move Sol and its planets way the hell out on one of the spiral arms. Until Man figures out how to break those ridiculous laws of relativity I saddled him with, I can’t see him reaching anything farther away than Alpha Cen-tauri, and he’s going to have more than his share of difficulties communicating with the Chyksi that he finds there. I mean, what do you say to five different genders of two-mile-long fur-covered snakes whose sole topics of conversation are local politics and how to avoid friction burns?

I’m sorry to be writing this so slowly, but I’m receiving an average of sixteen prayers a nanosecond, almost all of them from Earth. I get so tired of this what-have-you-done-for-me-lately attitude. I mean, if it weren’t for my subtle backstage manipulations, Man still wouldn’t have Muenster cheese, or electric toothbrushes, or mascara, or unsecured hedge funds. But do they thank me for all this wealth of treasure? No, it’s “Make my pimples go away” and “Make Anaconda Copper go up seven points” and “Kill the Israelis” and “Kill the Palestinians” and “Find me the perfect woman and make sure she’s not looking for the perfect man.” And I know that no matter what I do, there’ll be five billion new requests tomorrow.

Why can’t they be more like the Kabroni of Beta Calpuraicus III? “Thanks for the beautiful sunset, God.” “Hey, God, we really like that new mountain range.” “God old buddy, can you make any more exotic dancers like Mol Kwi Kchanga? She’s really neat!” They’re such appreciative, easygoing folk, the Kabroni.

Not that I demand servility. Take the Budubudu of Naboodi. “Hey, if you’re listening, buzz off and leave us alone.” “We didn’t need you way back when, and we don’t need you now.” “Show up and we’re gonna have roast Star Maker for dinner.” Okay, they’re hardly worshipful, but on the other hand, I only hear from maybe half a dozen of them on any given day.

Anyway, my Instructor says that we’ll let this galaxy play out for a few billion years, and if Man doesn’t spoil everything, my next assignment will be a much larger, more complex nebula cluster four vibratory levels removed from here, and that I’ll get to use really interesting building blocks, like heavy metals and egg whites and just about anything I can think of. My life-forms won’t have to be carbon-based, and my first task will be to make a race of crystalline methane breathers who won’t shatter the first time I get annoyed and yell at them. (Yeah, I had a little problem on a frigid world out by Aldebaran. I’m not allowed to play with methane anymore without supervision. I still say it wasn’t my fault. All I did was sneeze.)

The other day I asked him if this time I could create a race that really was in my image, and he just looked at me for the longest time and then burst out laughing. I guess that meant No.

I don’t know why not. I think I’m exceptionally handsome, especially compared to the other apprentices. All fourteen limbs are in fine proportion, I have eyes and ears everywhere, wings for every conceivable type of atmosphere, extraordinarily cute dimples, and a fine rich baritone voice when I sing in the shower. A race could do a lot worse than be created in my image. All right, so I don’t have any nostrils and my feet have opposable thumbs (a feature I borrowed for the chimpanzee and the gorilla)—but consider the advantages of never having a stuffed nose again, and think of the savings on shoes. And if they don’t like the warts, they can have them burned off (a process / allowed them to invent.)

Not only that, but we’re smart. I doubt that a single member of my race ever flunked trigonometry or formal dancing. How’s that for bright? Okay, so most of us don’t get passing grades in Keynesian economics, but what do you have to know about Keynes to make change? I can read an entire library in a single night. (“There’s a difference between reading and comprehending,” says my Instructor smugly. Hell, I’ll bet he flunked Keynesian economics, too.)

No, when all is said and done, my race is clearly the finest-looking, brightest, and most admirable in the universe. It’s simply no contest.

Damn. Since writing that last sentence, I just got a new prayer in from some kid in Mexico City. Begins the usual way: “Dear God, how are you? I am fine. Ihate to bother you, this is not for me, but I have this friend, I won’t tell you his name, who has a hard time scoring with girls, and I wonder if you could give me some words of heavenly wisdom to pass on to him.”

Pretty usual up to that point. But then came the clinker: “While I’ve got your attention, I have a question for you. All my life my mother and father and priest have been telling me that God made me, and I don’t have any serious problem with that. But if you made me, maybe you could tell me: who made you? Yours truly, Manual Acaro.”

I hate questions I can’t answer. Okay for you, kid. Let me see: Manual Acaro. That’s six letters and five, right? All right, Manual Acaro, Mexico City gets a 6.5 Richter earthquake tomorrow morning.

Bother me again and I’ll give you hives. How’s that for a manifestation of Godly power?

Sometimes I really wonder where this arrogant self-centered race gets all its petty annoying tendencies from, anyway.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS