Keep your eyes low, I reminded myself, and I stared at a spot on the couch where the two cushions touched. “Sort of,” I said. “There’s an open mic tomorrow night at that coffee shop on Lakeridge. Ally really wants me to go.”
“At least she’s not moping anymore, right?” That came from Mom.
“I guess.” I toyed with the hem of my skirt. “I think she and Kyle have formed, like, an anti-Hunter club or something. But they’re getting along better as costars, so that’s kind of a good thing.”
The opening notes of “Faithfully” made me jump. I pulled my phone out of my pocket as quickly as I could to ignore the call. Jake would leave a message or text me if it was important. Maybe.
Mom raised an eyebrow. “Who was that?”
“Jake. He takes my phone and gives himself these random ringtones.” I rolled my eyes. “He thinks he’s so funny.”
“I don’t know if I’d say that’s a funny ringtone, exactly,” my stepfather said. “It’s an interesting choice.”
“Not ‘funny’ like ‘ha ha,’” I clarified. “‘Funny’ like ‘clever.’ Like, he usually picks songs I’ve had to listen to him play a bazillionty times.”
“Like what?” he pressed, and I cursed myself for making eye contact.
“I don’t know. Like the Beatles and Cheap Trick? He left ‘What I Like About You’ on my phone for, like, two months just to annoy me.”
Dr. Griffin and my mom glanced at each other, and Mom patted him on the knee. “Rob, honey, would you mind giving us a few minutes? I just want to have a touch base.”
“Sure.” He kissed her on her temple. “Whatever you need.” And with a smile in my direction, he got up and left the room.
Mom and I didn’t say anything for a while. She turned off the TV, and I found an interesting piece of lint on my sweater.
No eye contact. No eye contact. No eye contact.
“Do you want to sit next to me?”
I shook my head. “No, thank you.”
“How’s Jake?” she said. “I haven’t seen him in a while.”
“He’s fine.” Short answers, Talia. Don’t invite questions.
“Is he still dating Malcolm Davies’s daughter?”
I stiffened at that. “Her name’s Clover.”
“Sorry.” A pause. “You don’t seem to like her much.”
I shrugged. It seemed like the safest response.
More silence. I was trying to think of a way to excuse myself without arousing suspicion when Mom said, “You know, I was telling Isabelle the other day how glad I am that Jake’s been there for you to lean on these last couple of years.”
I plucked the lint off my sweater and rolled it into a tiny ball. Don’t look up, I reminded myself.
“Isabelle said she’s equally grateful for you,” she continued. “I guess she and Mike didn’t know how to reach him anymore after Mike’s brother….”
I nodded to let her know she didn’t need to continue. Jake’s uncle was a cop and had been shot and killed in the line of duty not long before the whole mess with my parents splitting up. He and I never sat down and really talked about it in depth or anything, just like I never gave him detailed accounts of my parents’ fights, but we were always there for each other if we needed something. I know Jake’s presence was enough to keep the monsters at bay until I was ready to face them. Maybe I did the same for him.
“You guys have a really special relationship, and I guess I’d just hate to see that all fall apart because you don’t like Clover.”
“I don’t not like her.” I rubbed the lint ball between my fingers. It fell and disappeared into the chair. “I mean, what’s not to like? She’s beautiful, she oozes confidence, her dad’s well connected, and she plays guitar almost as well as that chick in Heart.”
“Nancy Wilson.”
I lifted my head. “Who?”
“‘That chick in Heart,’” my mom repeated with a smile. “Her name’s Nancy Wilson.”
“Oh.”
“This is all probably none of my business,” she said, “but—”
“I think I’m in love with him,” I blurted. I covered my mouth and stared at her in absolute horror. So much for not saying anything that would invite questions.
Mom’s face lit up. “Really?”
“You’re not supposed to be smiling,” I admonished her. “It’s not cool.” I folded my arms across my chest and looked away. “And anyway, you’re my mom, and this is weird, and I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Fair enough,” she said.
I replayed that afternoon’s events in my mind and felt my stomach clench. I closed my eyes. “It’s stupid.”
“Why would you say that?”
It took a moment for me to gather my thoughts, but I finally said, “Because it is. Like, everything I’m feeling right now? I totally did it to myself. Like…like, I know better, you know?”
She shook her head. “I don’t follow.”
“This whole love thing?” I said. “It’s a cruel joke. It’s like we’re set up to feel all happy and everything’s awesome, and then boom! Tim has to go off to college, and Hunter’s with another guy, and Jake….” I swiped at a tear rolling down my cheek, hoping my mom didn’t notice. “Jake makes you listen to a song he wrote about her.” I waited for my mother to say something, but she just sat there, silent and passive. “It’s a joke,” I said again.
Mom cleared her throat. “Have you heard the saying ‘You can’t have rainbows without the rain?’”
I stared at her and held up a hand. “Just stop it,” I said. “Before you wax all philosophical on me and tell me we can’t appreciate anything we’ve never had to work for, just, no.” I leaned forward. “Here’s one for you. ‘You won’t have heartache if you carefully guard your heart.’ That’s solid truth.”
“It sounds very lonely.”
“It’s better than how I’m feeling now.”
“You know, if you’d let yourself be vulnerable once in a while, it could make a world of difference.”
I leaned back into the chair and folded my arms across my chest. “I did, thanks. And the difference is I feel like I’ve lost my best friend.” I closed my eyes. “I was better off before….” Before I kissed him. Not that I could’ve said that aloud. Mom would’ve pounced on that like a mouse on cheese.
“So what does this mean?” she said after a short pause. “What’s next? Are you going to avoid Jake completely? Or maybe just pretend your feelings don’t exist?”
“I don’t know.” I hadn’t thought about that. What was I supposed to do when I saw him at school the next day? And for the next two years before graduation? “Maybe a little of both,” I said.
Mom’s brow knitted into a worried frown. “That doesn’t sound like much fun.”
I lifted my shoulder. “I’ll survive.”
“I know. I just want more for you than that.” She waited a couple of seconds before she got up and kissed the top of my head.
“Your little saying is wrong, by the way,” I said as she started to leave the room. “The one about the rainbows.”
She stopped. “How so?”
“You don’t see a rainbow every time it rains.” I looked up at her. “Not every story has a happy ending.”
“Maybe not,” she said with a sad smile. “But every story has a chance at one.”
Chapter Thirty-Seven
I turned into my parking spot the next morning, just as the final bell finished ringing, and let out a heavy sigh. I didn’t want to be at school. I didn’t even want to be awake, but Mom had stripped the covers off my bed and threatened to douse me with ice water if I didn’t get up.
Sometimes I really didn’t like my mom.
I passed Jake’s car as I navigated the parking lot and realized he hadn’t texted me that morning. Not counting the time he had the flu in eighth grade, it was probably the first time he hadn’t sent me a wake-up text since I got my first phone in middle school.