She broke it. She extended her hand and I took it, and she lowered her eyes and said, "I'm not terribly good at this. Out of practice, I guess."
"So am I."
"You've had a few years to get used to being a bachelor. I've had one little affair, and it wasn't really very much of anything. He was married."
"You don't have to talk about it."
"Oh, I know that. He was married, it was very casual and purely physical, and to be honest it wasn't even that wonderful physically. And it didn't last very long." She hesitated. She may have been waiting for me to say something, but I remained silent. Then she said, "You may want this to be, oh, casual, and that's all right, Matthew."
"I don't think we can be casual with each other."
"No, I don't suppose we can. I wish- I don't know what I wish."
She lifted her glass and sipped. "I'm probably going to get a little bit drunk tonight. Is that a bad idea?"
"It might be a good idea. Shall we have wine with the meal?"
"I'd like that. I suppose it's a bad sign, having to get a little drunk."
"Well, I'm the last person to tell you it's a bad idea. I get a little bit drunk every day of my life."
"Is that something I should be worried about?"
"I don't know.It's damned well something you should be aware of, Diana. You ought to know who you're getting involved with."
"Are you analoholic ?"
"Well, what's an alcoholic? I suppose I drink enough alcohol to qualify. It doesn't keep me from functioning.Yet. I suppose it will eventually."
"Could you stop drinking? Or cut down?"
"Probably.If I had a reason."
The waitress brought our appetizers. I ordered a carafe of red wine.
Diana impaled a mussel with a little fork, paused with it halfway to her mouth. "Maybe we shouldn't talk about this yet."
"Maybe not."
"I think we feel the same about most things. I think what we want is the same, and I think our fears are the same."
"Or pretty close, at least."
"Yes. Maybe you're no bargain, Matthew. I think that's what you've been trying to tell me. I'm no bargain myself. I don't drink, but I might as well. I just found a different way to retire from the human race.
I gave up being me. I feel- "
"Yes?"
"As if I've got a second chance.As if I had that chance all along, but you only have it when you know you have it. And I don't know if you're a part of that chance or if you just made me aware of it." She put her fork on her plate, the mussel still gripped by the tines. "Oh, I'm enormously confused. All the magazines tell me I'm just the right age for an identity crisis. Is that what this is or am I falling in love and how do you tell the difference? Do you have a cigarette?"
"I'll get some. What brand do you smoke?"
"I don't smoke. Oh, any brand.Winstons , I guess."
I got a pack from the machine. I opened it, gave her a cigarette, took one for myself. I struck a match and her fingers fastened around my wrist as she got her cigarette going. The tips of her fingers were very cool.
She said, "I have three young children. I have a husband in jail."
"And you're taking up drinking and smoking. You're a mess, all right."
"And you're a sweet man. Have I told you that before? It's still true."
I saw to it that she had most of the wine with dinner. Afterward she had a pot of espresso and a little snifter of brandy. I went back to coffee and bourbon. We did a lot of talking and shared a lot of long silences.
These last were as communicative in their own way as our conversations.
It was close to midnight when I settled the tab. They were anxious to close, but our waitress had been very decent about letting us alone. I showed my appreciation of her forbearance with a tip that was probably excessive. I didn't care. I loved the whole world.
We went out and stood onNinth Avenue drinking the cold air. She discovered the moon and shared it with me. "It's almost full. Isn't it beautiful?"
"Yes."
"Sometimes I think I can almost feel the pull of the moon. Silly, isn't it?"
"I don't know. The sea feels it. That's why there are tides. And there's no denying that the moon influences human behavior. All cops know that. The crime rate changes with the moon."
"Honest?"
"Uh-huh.Especially the weird crimes. The full moon makes people do odd things."
"Like what?"
"Like kissing in public."
A little later she said, "Well, I don't know that that's odd. I think it's nice, actually."
AT Armstrong's I ordered coffee and bourbon for both of us.
"Because I like the feeling I'm getting Matthew, but I don't want to get sleepy. And I liked the way it tasted the other day."
When she brought the drinks, Trina handed me a slip of paper. "He was in about an hour ago," she said. "Before then he called a couple of times. He's very anxious for you to get in touch with him."
"I unfolded the slip of paper.DougFuhrmann's name and a telephone number.
I said, "Thanks. It's nothing that can't wait until morning."
"He said it was urgent."
"Well, that's one man's opinion." Diana and I poured our bourbon into our coffee, and she asked me what it was about. "A guy who's been close to your husband," I said. "He was also getting close to the girl who was murdered. I think I know why, but I want to talk to him about it."
"Do you want to call him? Or see him for a while? Don't pass him up on my account, Matthew."
"He can wait."
"If you think it's important- "
"It's not. He can wait until tomorrow."
EvidentlyFuhrmann didn't think so. A little later the phone rang.
Trina answered it and made her way to our table. "Same caller," she said. "Do you want to talk to him?"
I shook my head. "I was in," I said. "I got his message and said something about calling him in the morning. And then I had a drink and left."
"Gotcha."
Ten or twenty minutes later we did leave. Esteban was swinging the midnight-to-eight shift at the desk of my hotel. He gave me three messages, all of them fromFuhrmann .
"No calls," I told him."No matter who. I'm not in."
"Right."
"If the phone rings I'll figure the building's on fire because otherwise I don't want any calls."
"I understand."
We rode up in the elevator, walked down the hallway to my door. I opened it and stood aside to let her in. With her at my side the little room looked starker and more barren than ever.
"I thought of other places we could go," I told her. "A better hotel or a friend's apartment, but I decided that I wanted you to see where I live."
"I'm glad, Matthew."
"Is it all right?"
"Of course it's all right."
We kissed. We held each other for a long time. I smelled her perfume and tasted the sweetness of her mouth. After a time I released her. She moved slowly and deliberately around my room, examining things, getting a sense of the place. Then she turned to me and smiled a very gentle smile, and we began undressing.
Chapter 14
All through the night one of us would wake and awaken the other.
Then I woke up for the last time and found I was alone. Pale sunlight filtered by bad air gave the room a golden cast. I got out of bed and picked my watch up from the bedside table. It was almost noon.
I had almost finished dressing when I found her note. It was wedged between the glass and the frame of the mirror over my dresser.
Her handwriting was very neat and quite small.
I read:
Darling-
What is it that the children say? Last night was the first night of the rest of my life. I have so much to say, but I am in no condition to express my thoughts well.
Please call me. And call me, please,
YourLady
I read it through a couple of times. Then I folded it carefully and tucked it into my wallet.