Now I must lie in my bed, sickly and alone, longing to be with her that we might comfort each other. If Lady Salisbury could have come to me, that would have helped. But my father did not want me to be helped… unless it was to the grave.
He did come to visit me because of the grumbling discontent in the country. I was vaguely aware of him at my bedside.
I heard him mutter to Lady Shelton, “There lies my greatest enemy.”
Afterward I discovered that he had not asked to see me but that the good Dr. Butts had forced himself into his presence and told him how ill I was and that he knew the cause and begged him to send my mother to me; whereupon the King rounded on him, calling him disloyal and declaring that he was making too much of my illness for political reasons.
The doctor was abashed but nothing could shift him from his ground. He insisted that if I could be with my mother that would do more for me than a hundred remedies.
Why did I want to go to Kimbolton? demanded the King. So that I and my mother could plot against him, raise armies against him? “The Dowager Princess Katharine is another such as her mother, Queen Isabella of Castile,” he said; and he went on to rave about my stubborn behavior, which was part of a plot to raise people against him. Already people in high places were turning to us.
Yes, he was certainly afraid.
I wondered if he knew then that certain nobles in the North were intimating to Chapuys that they would be ready to support the Emperor if he invaded England in an attempt to bring the Church back to Rome and restore my mother to her rightful place and make me the Queen after dethroning my father.
A story was being circulated about a girl of seventeen or so—my age— who impersonated me in the North of England, where it was unlikely anybody had seen me. She went from village to village telling a sad story of the persecution she had suffered, explaining that she had escaped and was trying to reach the Emperor. Her name turned out to be Anne Baynton and she collected a fair amount of money, so she did succeed in deceiving people. It showed their sympathy to me that none attempted to betray her and instead were willing to help her on her way.
Meanwhile I lay sick in my bed, hovering between life and death.
At length I did begin to recover, for Dr. Butts was determined that I should. He had to prove that my sickness was not incurable. I had always known that he was the best doctor in the kingdom. He was aware of the cause of my illness, and although it was due to a certain extent to illnourishment, it was the sheer misery which I had suffered which was the chief cause.
And as I returned to health there was born in me a determination to live to fight for my rights. I had been through so much that there was little worse that could happen to me. I was denied the company of those I loved; those of my friends who would visit me were turned away. I was kept from my mother; I was deprived of the company of my dear Countess; and Lady Bryan was no longer with me. I told myself I had touched the very nadir of my suffering.
I was very weak and scarcely able to walk across the room; but at least I was alive.
To my surprise, one day I had a visitor.
I was astonished when Lady Shelton came to my room. She said, “Her Grace the Queen commands you to her presence.”
I felt suddenly very cold, and my hands began to tremble.
Lady Shelton was smiling at the prospect, I presumed, of a royal princess having to obey the command of that woman.
I said, “You know my condition. I am unable to walk across the room without help.”
She smiled secretively with a lift of her shoulders.
“Her Grace the Queen commands your presence,” she repeated.
“If she wants to see me, she will perforce have to come to me.”
With a smirk, Lady Shelton nodded and disappeared.
I sat down on my bed, putting my hand to my heart. It was beating wildly. What had I done? I had shown my contempt for her. What would be the punishment for such conduct? Should I be sent to the Tower?
The door of my room was opened. I stared in surprise, for it was the woman herself. I could not believe it. I half rose.
She shook her head and signed for me to remain seated.
She was impressive, I could not deny it. She had an air of distinction. In that moment I could almost understand my father's obsession with her. She was most elegantly attired—not flamboyantly and yet more outstanding for the sheer elegance, the cut of her clothes and her style of wearing them.
I noticed the band about her neck which many had copied but none wore as she did. I noticed the long hanging sleeves to cover the sixth nail. Marks of the devil, I thought, which she has exploited to add to her grace.
Her enormous dark eyes held mine. I was trembling, unable to believe this was really happening. It must be something in a dream. I had thought of her so much. I had conjured up this vision. But there she was. She had seated herself on the bed facing me. She smiled. It changed her face. She was dazzling.
She said in a gentle voice, “You have been very ill.”
I did not answer and she went on, “But you are better now. This rift… it has gone on too long. I do not want it to continue. I understand your feelings, of course, and I have come to talk to you, to make a proposition. If you will come to Court I will do all in my power to restore your father's love for you.”
I listened dazed, becoming more and more convinced that I was dreaming.
She smiled graciously. What did it mean? I reminded myself that I hated her. There was some ulterior motive in this… some evil purpose. She must be thinking that I was overwhelmed by this show of friendship. Did she expect me to fall on my knees and thank her?
I remained silent. I could find no words to answer her.
She went on, “There must be an end to these differences between you and your father. It is not good for the King, for you or for the country. So let us put an end to them.”
I heard myself stammer: “How?”
She smiled confidently. “You will return to Court. I promise you, you will be well treated. There shall be no discord. Everything that you had before will be yours. Perhaps it will be even better. There is only one thing you must do to achieve this.”
“And what is that?” I asked.
“You must honor me as the Queen. You must be respectful … and accept that this is now a fact.”
I could listen to no more. I saw it all. She and my father wanted me there to tell the people that I was not being shut out and ill treated. They did not want me. They would not accept me as the Princess Mary. I was not to be a princess. That title was reserved for this woman's bastard.
I said to her, “I could not acknowledge you as Queen because you are not Queen. I know of only one Queen of England, and that is my mother.”
Her eyes narrowed. “You are a fool,” she said. “A stubborn little fool.”
“I can only speak the truth,” I retorted. “If you would speak to my father on my behalf … if you would persuade him to allow me to join my mother…I should appreciate that.”