I was greeted with some respect by the Court. I saw speculation in the eyes of many. The King was ill. Moreover, he was suffering from several diseases. How could he possibly recover, and then…?
My sister Elizabeth was being very subdued. I guessed she was thinking that certain powerful men would never accept me as Queen. How could they were, all those men who had done everything they could to turn me from my religion, to browbeat me, to force me to deny the Mass. They would take her, she was thinking. They must take her. She was wily; she was clever; but she could not hide the ambition in her eyes.
The King's health did not improve. All through that winter he was hardly ever out of his bed. I heard horrifying reports of his illnesses, and I feared some of them were true. He coughed blood; his body was a mass of ulcers similar to those which had plagued the late King. He was on the point of death. No one was able to see him except his ministers. Parliament came to Whitehall because the King could not go to Westminster. It cannot be long, was being said all over the country, and then… what?
Lady Jane Grey came to see me at Newhall. She must have been about fifteen or sixteen years old at that time. She had a certain quiet charm but she was a clever girl of firm opinions. She was very sad at this time because of Edward's illness.
She talked about him a great deal. They had always been such good friends, and the happiest times of her life, she said, had been when they were together.
“Can it really be that he is dying?” she asked.
I replied that I could not say. Sometimes delicate people surprised everyone. They were often stronger than people thought and everyone was so intent on keeping them alive that they sometimes succeeded.
“We were so much together…”
“I know. He loved you as a sister.”
She nodded sadly.
I thought she was rather pathetic. She had had a sad childhood. Her parents had treated her with the utmost severity, I had heard. I remembered Mrs. Penn's indignantly saying that there were marks of physical punishment on her body. She had an air of frailty, but I guessed she would have a will of her own.
During that brief stay, she told me that her parents were proposing to marry her to Lord Guilford Dudley.
“Northumberland's son!”
She nodded. “He is the Duke's fourth son. It had to be he. The others are already married.”
I was aghast. It was clear that Northumberland wanted Jane in his family because she had royal blood through her mother, who was the daughter of Mary Tudor and Charles Brandon.
Jane was frightened at the idea. She did not want marriage yet, and she was in great awe of her prospective father-in-law. I wondered whether she would speak to my brother and ask him to intervene on her behalf. Of course, he was very much under Northumberland's influence, but on the other hand he was very fond of Jane.
I tried to soothe her by telling her of all the marriages which had been arranged for me, none of which had come to fruition.
She smiled wanly. “I think the Duke of Northumberland is very determined,” she said.
I was full of sympathy for the poor child but felt less so later when Lady Wharton, one of my ladies, told me what had happened in the chapel.
“I was passing through with Lady Jane,” she said. “There was no service in progress. As I passed the Host, I curtsied, as we always do.”
“Yes?” I asked, as she had paused. “And the lady Jane…? What was it she did?”
“She said to me, ‘Is the lady Mary here, that you curtsy? I did not see her.' I was amazed. I said, ‘But I curtsy to Him that made me.' Oh, my lady, I hesitate to say…”
“Please go on,” I said.
“She replied as though in all innocence, ‘But did not the baker make Him?' My lady, she was referring to the bread and wine…”
“I know to what she was referring. It is what she has been brought up to, Lady Wharton. Perhaps we should not blame her.”
“But such sacrilege, my lady… and in a holy place…”
“She was brought up with my brother,” I said. “It is the way they would have things throughout the country now.”
Lady Wharton looked at me earnestly, “Mayhap it will not always be so.”
“Hush,” I warned her. “You should not say such things…even here… even to me.”
We were silent but I could see she was asking herself the same question that I was asking myself.
What will happen next? We could not know. But we knew something must happen soon.
I HEARD NEWS of Lady Jane. I was sorry for her. She was little more than a child. She had no wish for marriage, and she seemed to be as much in fear of her future father-in-law as she was of her own parents. The girl had some spirit. Perhaps she drew that from her religion, for after that outburst in the chapel I tried to discover more about her convictions and learned they were very strong. She and my brother were alike in that; and misguided though she was in her faith, it might have helped her endure her hard life.
Susan told me she had heard how the girl resisted, declaring she would not marry, and how she had been beaten, starved and locked away until they feared for her health, for she would be no use to their schemes if she were dead.
All the same, the marriage took place in May, and at the same time Jane's sister Catharine—who was younger than she—was married to Lord Herbert, the Earl of Pembroke's son; and Northumberland's daughter, another Catharine, was married to Lord Hastings, son of the Earl of Huntingdon.
There was, of course, a method in these marriages. They were bringing together the most powerful families whose thoughts must be running in one direction. Edward's death was imminent, and they planned some drastic action. I could guess that action meant disaster for me, and I could think of only one solution which would bring them what they wanted; and that was my death.
I must be careful. If ever I was going to achieve my mission, everything would depend on how I acted now.
I wished that I could have seen my brother. I knew that the reports of his illness were not exaggerated; he must have been very sick indeed at that time. I had been so fond of him when he was younger and before religion had become such an impassable barrier to our friendship. I wanted to explain to him that I could not give up my faith any more than he could give up his. I thought I might have made him understand. He had a logical brain; he was extremely learned; but people were obdurate concerning religion. Perhaps I was myself. It was just that one knew one was right. It was a fusion of something divine… difficult to explain. No doubt he believed he had that divine guidance as I did.
But at least we could have talked.
He wanted to be a good king. He cared deeply about the poor and those in distress. He had decided that his palace at Bridewell should be given as a resort for those poor people who had no means of making a living for themselves. He had thought of poor children who, though they might be clever enough, received no education because their parents were too poor to give it to them. The monasteries had been suppressed, and that of Grey Friars was empty. Why should it not be used as a school for poor scholars? It was called Christ's Hospital. I heard it gave my brother great pleasure that he had done these things. Then there were the sick. He would set up a hospital at St. Thomas's where the poor could be treated free. He was sure the people of London would willingly help him to keep these charitable institutions in existence.
He cared for the people. He was good at heart—but oh so sick and weary of life, I knew. And he was in the hands of ambitious men.