Apparently, they were going to have this conversation, Henry realized, because Jason’s tone was too sincere, his expression too hurt for Henry to just pass the whole thing off as a joke.
“I left because I’d done what I’d come to do,” Henry told him.
“And offering yourself up in my place?” Jason asked and Henry could see the hurt in his face, though he kept his tone steady. “Was that just part of the job? Was sleeping with me?”
“No,” Henry told him, but Jason just bowed his head and scowled at his food.
Henry wished he could find the right words to make Jason happy—to make him understand. But Henry had never been good at talking—not like this.
He reached out and placed his rough, callused hand on top of Jason’s. What the hell did he care if a few gawkers saw them? Jason lifted his gaze to him questioningly.
“Look, I’m probably going to screw this up, but just…just hear me out, okay?”
“Okay,” Jason agreed.
“I’m no good with lovers. I haven’t been since—” Henry caught himself reflexively, but somehow it didn’t seem to hurt so much now. He continued, “since everything fell apart with Frank. After that, I went sort of dead inside. I screwed a lot of guys, but I never really gave a damn about them. And then I met you and…”
“And what,” Jason asked.
“I don’t know…You made me feel like I wasn’t such a bastard. You looked at me—the way you’re looking at me now. And you made me feel like I was good and decent and honest.”
“That’s because you actually are all of those things, Henry.”
“But I wasn’t. That’s what you don’t understand here,” Henry objected. “I went through the motions of upholding the law and keeping people safe because I knew that’s what decent people did. But I was like some ugly marionette just miming the actions of the flesh-and-blood people around me because I wanted to be one of them.”
Something like understanding lit Jason’s dark eyes, but he didn’t speak. He just turned his hand to lace his fingers with Henry’s. His long fingers felt warm and strong.
“I was walking around and talking, but I was dead inside and I knew it,” Henry admitted. “But then I met you and it brought something in me back to life. For the first time since I was twenty, I started to feel like there were things worth fighting for…I wanted to fight for you.”
“But then why did you leave?” Jason asked.
Henry didn’t answer right away. He didn’t want to admit the truth. But Jason had a right to know.
“Because I knew I’d screw it up, just like I screwed it up way back then,” Henry said at last.
Jason considered him for a long while before speaking.
“What happened back then was terrible, but that’s over. You and me, here and now, we’re just beginning.”
“Yeah.” Henry nodded. “I was starting to realize that…But I’d already left and you…Well, you had a kingdom of better candidates, didn’t you?”
“Dear God, no.” Jason wrinkled his nose in distaste at some memory. Then he gave Henry’s hand another squeeze. “My taste is more for the rough-and-ready type.”
“Rough and ready?” Henry laughed and he noticed Jason’s cheeks colore just a little.
“Well, I’m not going to lie and claim you won me over with fine dining and long walks on the beach,” Jason said, shrugging. “A bucket of chicken and a few beers isn’t exactly high romance, you know.”
“I suppose not.” Belatedly, Henry realized that he ought to have taken Jason out and shown him a good time. He wondered what it would be like to walk beside him and feel proud in the way he never could have been with Frank.
“Not that I couldn’t go for a few beers,” Jason suggested and Henry guessed he was trying to be sly.
“You doing anything tonight?” Henry asked.
Jason’s face lit up like Henry’d offered him a pot of gold.
“Are you asking me out?”
“Yeah, I am. But I won’t be offended if you turn me down for this one.” Henry handed him the card Gunther had given him. “The Cookie Jamboree isn’t all that rough and ready. Though I could always spike the punch.”
“It doesn’t look so bad. We could pick up a bucket of chicken and a couple of beers and head over to my place after it’s over. I have a loft in SoMa now. Plenty of space for equipment and Princess likes the big windows.” Jason stopped, seeming suddenly to grow shy. “If you’d like that, I mean.”
“Yeah,” Henry agreed. “I would like that.”
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
Nicole Kimberling lives in Bellingham, Washington, with her partner, Dawn Kimberling, and two bad cats as well as a wide and diverse variety of invasive and noxious weeds. Her first novel,
Turnskin
, won the Lambda Literary Award. She is also the author of the
Bellingham Mysteries
.
A distinct voice in gay fiction, multi-award-winning author Josh Lanyon has been writing gay mystery, adventure and romance for over a decade. In addition to numerous short stories, novellas, and novels, Josh is the author of the critically acclaimed Adrien English series, including
The Hell You Say
, winner of the 2006 USA BookNews award for GLBT fiction. Josh is an Eppie Award winner and a three-time Lambda Award finalist.
When Astrid Amara isn’t writing, she is either riding horses, goat herding, sleeping, or working as a civil servant. She is a Lambda Literary Award finalist and the author of
The Archer’s Heart
as well as numerous other titles.
Ginn Hale resides in the Pacific Northwest, donates blood as a pastime, and tinkers with things. Her first novel,
Wicked Gentlemen
, won the Spectrum Award for best novel and was a finalist for the Lambda Literary Award. She is also the author of the
Lord of the White Hell
books and the
Rifter
series.
Table of Contents
Cherries Worth Getting
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Green Glass Beads
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
No Life But This
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Things Unseen and Deadly
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
ABOUT THE AUTHORS