At last, Qui-Gon's enemy lay at his feet, just as he'd imagined. He stood over Balog, his lightsaber high, prepared for the stroke that would bring him so much satisfaction.
"No, Qui-Gon."
The voice seemed to come from far away, yet it was so close to his ear. It confused him.
He turned and met Obi-Wan's eyes. He felt he was seeing him from a great distance. Confusion swept over him.
Then it was as though clouds parted, and clarity came. He saw so much in a moment. In his Padawan's steady glance he saw both fear and compassion.
He was no longer far away. The distance compressed, and he was in the same room with Obi-Wan. Qui-Gon returned to himself, and saw how far he had gone. The dark side had risen in his blood. He had known it and encouraged it. Shaking, he deactivated his lightsaber and tucked it back in his belt.
He had come close to taking a life out of revenge. Only he would know how close. He would never forget it. He would never allow himself to forget it.
Balog closed his eyes in relief. Obi-Wan stood over him and reached for his comlink as Mace and Bant entered the room.
Chapter 18
The four Jedi stood on the landing platform high above the city of New Apsolon. Qui-Gon looked down at the stately gray buildings, the curving streets and wide boulevards. From high above it was easy to tell where the grand Civilized Sector began and the smaller, twisting neighborhoods of the Workers ended.
Manex had lent them the finest consular ship on New Apsolon, as well as his personal pilot. Tahl's body had been loaded aboard in a small room fragrant with native flowers. The Jedi would accompany her on her last journey back to the Temple.
They left behind them a government still torn by division. Alani, Eritha, and Balog had been arrested. There had been a huge outcry at the arrest of the twins. Both Workers and many Civilized did not believe they could be corrupt. Not the daughters of Ewane. lrini was recovering in a med center, but charges had been filed against her. The Worker movement had lost lrini and Lenz in one stroke. They were struggling to find new leaders.
The turbolift doors opened and Manex stepped out. He was dressed in a rich robe of his favorite shade of green. He walked forward and bowed to the Jedi.
"The people of New Apsolon owe you a great debt," he said.
"There is still unrest on New Apsolon," Mace said. "But the government will proceed with honesty."
Manex nodded. "The elections are now set for next week. Other Legislators have stepped forward to run. I know the Absolute movement has been damaged, but it has not disappeared completely. We still have enemies to fight. No doubt there are more troubles ahead as the Committee to Reinstate Justice deals with the list of Absolute informers. But I have committed myself to my world. If I'm elected, I'll take up where Roan left off."
"If you need us again, we will come," Mace told him.
Qui-Gon turned away. / will not be the one to come, he thought. He would never return to New Apsolon again.
"We thank you for your transport," Mace said to Manex. "And for all you have done."
Manex's brown eyes were full of sorrow. "I cannot begin to replace what you lost here. I can only promise you my service for the rest of my life, should you need it."
Manex signaled the pilot on board to lower the ramp of the ship.
Then, with a final bow, he walked away.
Qui-Gon stood a short distance from the others. He saw Bent move closer to Obi-Wan.
"Is Qui-Gon all right?" she asked in a low, concerned tone.
"I don't know," his Padawan said. "But he will be."
Will I? Qui-Gon wondered with a curious detachment.
Obi-Wan glanced at Bant. "Are we all right?"
Qui-Gon felt that if it were possible for his heart to be touched, it would be, at the warm look in Bant's eyes. He remembered when he and Tahl had been that close.
"Of course," she told Obi-Wan.
He owed Obi-Wan a word, too. He called him over to his side.
"I need to thank you," he told him. "When I stood over Balog with hate in my heart, you saved me. It was the sound of my name that brought me back to myself."
Obi-Wan looked at him, puzzled. "But I didn't speak."
Qui-Gon's heart swelled. It had been Tahl. Of course it had been Tahl. The voice had been so near and yet so far away. It was her voice, soft and warm, a voice he had heard rarely, and a tone, he now realized, she had reserved only for him.
She was still with him. It should have helped him to know that. But instead, fresh agony ripped through him. It was not enough to have her voice in a time of need. He needed her physical presence. He needed her warm and breathing, close enough to touch, near enough to exchange a private smile.
Obi-Wan must have seen something on his face. He placed a hand on Qui-Gon's shoulder. Qui-Gon did not feel the pressure. He did not want to feel his Padawan's touch. He was grateful to Obi-Wan for his compassion. He owed a debt to Mace and Bant for their silent understanding.
Yet he could not stand to be with them.
Qui-Gon turned away from them and strode up the ramp. He would spend the journey back to Coruscant watching over Tahl alone.
He knew one thing: This grief must be borne, and it would not be a load that lessened with time. It would appear and reappear. It would gather and lose strength, and when he thought it was diminishing, it would rise again. It was too big for Jedi acceptance to contain it.
And what does that mean, to be a Jedi and be unable to accept? Qui- Gon wondered. It was a question for another time.
He entered the ship and did not look behind him. He was leaving on New Apsolon the possibility of a different life, a life that he had looked forward to with a joy he did not know existed in the galaxy. He would return to the life he had, a life of solitary service. He did not know where else to go.
He hoped to find satisfaction in that service again someday. That day seemed far away. For now, he headed for the small room where Tahl lay for his last, long good-bye.