“I just want you to be happy. And I thought you were happy with Ethan. I just wanted to help get things back on track. Don’t you think you’ve punished him enough?”
“Just because you’ve already forgiven him doesn’t mean I can, too.”
My eyes start to tear up again when I see her sad smile, but I quickly pull myself together at a knock at the door. I open the door slowly and the waterworks come back when I find my brother Conner, standing in the hallway.
He’s taller than I remember, but his hair is still the same brown as mine, only curly and a tad bit shaggy, and his dark brown eyes feel like home. He pulls me into a hug as I sob into his white shirt.
“Calm down. It’s okay,” he says and then holds me at shoulder length to look me in the eye. “Aren’t these supposed to be the happiest moments in your life?” he asks and I laugh.
“You try being pregnant. Nothing happy about your clothes not fitting, throwing up at almost every smell, and—”
“Doing it alone is your choice, Kelsey,” Sara adds from her spot at the table. “Hey, Conner. It’s good to see you,” she says then closes her laptop and leaves us alone in the kitchen.
I close the door, point to the sofa, and grab a couple of waters before I join him.
“Alone, huh? What happened to the dad?” Conner asks.
“He… wasn’t who I thought he was,” I say, lowering my head. Conner never knew Ethan that well but, he knew him well enough to know who I’m talking about.
“Did you know I have a son?” he asks and I look at him with surprise. Conner is never the kind of person to beat around the bush. “Yep, you’re an aunt. For almost two years now.”
How did I not know any of this? My little brother has a kid and no one tells me!
“I just found out about him two weeks ago. His name is Jake,” he adds and gives me a weak smile as he pulls out a photo. The little boy in the phone looks just like him as he sits on the swing with a big smile and dirt all over his face.
“I went to tell Mom and Dad first, but Mom wouldn’t stop rambling on about what’s going on with you. I came here as soon as she stopped talking.” He laughs for a split second before his face falls serious again. “I’m not going to give you some big lecture, but I missed out on two years of his life and those are years I’ll never get back. We both know I’m not perfect and I probably did something to screw up bad enough she didn’t want me around. It sucks. I would do anything for this kid and I wish his mother would have told me so that no matter what our past was, we could have given the family thing a try.” He takes a deep breath. “But it sucks most of all that this little boy was caught in the middle of it and spent two years without a father. Don’t take your anger with this baby’s father out on your child. He or she didn’t do anything to deserve it, but they deserve to be happy, just like you. They deserve a family.”
* * *
I never thought I’d be so excited for a doctor’s appointment. Today I find out if my baby is a boy or girl. My fingers are crossed as I wait not so patiently, hoping he or she is in a position to know for sure. I want to call Ethan to tell him about it and invite him to join me, but I’m scared.
My mind is still going haywire since my brother left. I’m excited for him and his new son. And I hope things work out for him. What he said to me, about not being in his son’s life made sense, but I just don’t know if I have in me to risk being hurt again.
“It’s a girl,” the doctor’s voice distracts me as he runs the tools over my belly and watches the screen. “See right there, she’s bending over for us. No mistaking this one. You’re definitely having a girl.”
Tears form in my eyes. My baby is now my little girl, and there isn’t anyone here to share this moment with.
That’s your own fault, Kelsey.
“We’ll get you a copy so you can share it with your friends and family,” he says, leaving the room. I adjust my shirt over my round belly that’s now extremely noticeable to everyone. I was never hiding it, but there was a time where you couldn’t tell whether I was pregnant or putting on some extra weight.
I walk down the short hallway back to the waiting room to make my next appointment. There’s a man and a woman sitting together, both bent over with their attention on the baby carrier in front of them. The woman laughs and the man kisses her temple. I’ll never have that. I’ll never get to experience what it’s like to be a happy family. I sit down as I wait my turn, but I can’t take my eyes away from this new family.
Ethan hasn’t given up on us. God, he told me he loved me. I know he didn’t say it just because I’m pregnant. The emotion that comes with it went straight to my heart. I was mad then, but right now, I’m thinking clearer.
I shouldn’t have just walked away. I should have given him a chance to explain himself. Just because we can’t get a relationship right the first time, or second, or even third doesn’t mean we can’t make one work in the end.
“Ms. Brian,” the nurse behind the counter calls my name. The new mother gives me a small, sad smile. She must have noticed me watching her and how alone I am.
I give my paper to the nurse, she types a few buttons, and we schedule my next appointment. Another nurse hands me the picture of my baby girl. At the door, I take a final look back at the family. I could have that. I could be happy. It’s clear what I need to do.
I close myself inside my car and pull out my phone. I need to call Sara and find out where Ethan is. I’ve been wrong this whole time and hope it’s not too late for him to take me back.
“Hi, how was it?” Sara answers.
“Do you know where Ethan is?” I ask her instead of answering her question.
“What?”
“Ethan, Sara…where is he?”
I hear her whispering—to who I don’t know, but I have a pretty good guess. She giggles and tells whoever she’s with to stop what they’re doing.
“He’s at home,” she says into the phone with a laugh. “Why do you ask?”
“I need to talk to him. I need to fix everything,” I say and hang up, tossing the phone onto the passenger’s seat as I drive straight for Ethan’s house.
I stand outside his door waiting as patiently as I can. He has to be home. He has to answer this door right now. I’ve made countless mistakes in my life, but having a life without Ethan isn’t even an option anymore. I want it all. And I want it all with him. Please. Please answer the door.
Ethan
I really hope Logan isn’t messing with me. On cue, Kelsey’s car pulls into my driveway. I don’t take my eyes off her as she runs to the door, bundled in a winter coat and pair of jeans. Logan warned me, but Kelsey coming here doesn’t really sink in until I see her.
I stand with my hand over the knob, giving myself a quick pep talk before I open the door. I’m finally coming to terms with the way she wants things. She and I won’t be together and our baby will grow up in separate homes. I remind myself how hard it’s going to be when I see her, when I look into her eyes, and she doesn’t want me back. She doesn’t want us. And I need to stop convincing myself she’ll change her mind.
I turn the knob slowly and open the door. Kelsey looks just as beautiful as any other day I see her. Only this time, her coat is hanging loose at her sides and her belly is poking out toward me.
I swallow hard. Forget what I just said. I’m not giving up.
“Did you mean it?” she asks, not missing a beat.
“Mean what?” I gesture for her to come inside.
“That you loved me.”
I hold her hand before she can walk inside any farther, turning her to face me until her eyes line up with mine.
“Yes.”
“Then how could you hurt me like that?” A tear slips down her check and I brush it away with my thumb.