“That doesn't frighten me.” She'd been alone all her life. She was used to it. In fact, she liked it that way, no one could hurt her or let her down, or betray her that way.
She was an odd girl, he thought, and he had never known anyone as independent as she was. He took her home that night, and hoped she would invite him upstairs but she only shook his hand with a warm smile and thanked him for the evening. And he went home so horny for her, that as soon as he got upstairs, he called her. He didn't even care if he woke her up, and he doubted that she was asleep yet.
Her voice was husky when she picked up the phone, and he closed his eyes, listening to her. He was a nice guy, and he hated living alone. And she was so damn beautiful … he knew his boys would love her too … “Hello?”
“Hi, Hilary … I just wanted to tell you what a nice time I had tonight.”
She laughed softly at him, and he liked the sound of that too. “So did I. But don't you try to distract me at work, Mr. Kane. I'm not planning to lose my job over anyone. Not even you.”
“I got that. Want to have lunch sometime this week?”
“Sure. If I'm not too swamped.”
“Tomorrow sound okay?”
She laughed again, a delicious mixture of hot smoke and icy cool. “Why don't you relax, Adam. I told you, I'm not going anywhere.”
“Good. Then let's take advantage of it. I'll pick you up in your office at twelve-fifteen. Okay?” He sounded like a little kid, and she was smiling in the dark, lying in bed, and much as she hated to admit it, even to herself, he did something to her no other man had till then. And she trusted him. Maybe it was all right … just for a lunch or two … what harm could that do? She hadn't allowed herself anything more since coming to New York, and oddly enough she had never wanted anyone. Other people had boyfriends, and affairs, and broken hearts. And all Hilary wanted were promotions and raises and work. That was her lover, and so far it had treated her very well. “Twelve-fifteen?” he repeated in the face of silence from her.
“Fine.” Her voice flowed over the single word, and he felt as though he were floating when he hung up.
There was a single rose on her desk the next day, and they had lunch at the Veau d'Or and she didn't get back to her office till three o'clock.
“This is terrible, Adam. I never do things like this.” She threw the long black hair over her shoulder, and rolled up the sleeves of her shirt. It was a beautiful warm day and she didn't even feel like going back to work. “You're a miserable influence. I just got a promotion and now you're going to get me canned.”
“Good, then will you marry me? We can move to New Jersey and have ten kids.”
“How depressing.” She looked at him with her icy green eyes, and he felt something he never had before. She became a challenge. There was a wall around her he would have done anything to climb, but he still wasn't sure how far she'd let him go. They were still circling each other carefully, but he had so much to say to her and she was such intelligent company. And he appealed to her in a way no one had before. It was a dangerous combination, and at times it frightened her, particularly when he distracted her from her work, but after all he was her boss.
He invited her to dinner on Saturday, but she declined, and she turned down his next two invitations to lunch, but he looked so unhappy about it when he stopped to talk to her that she finally relented and agreed to go out with him the following Friday night. They went to P. J. Clarke's for a hamburger, and then a walk up Third Avenue to her new apartment on Fifty-ninth Street.
“Why do you keep such a distance between us?” He looked sincerely unhappy about it. He was crazy about her, and he was dying for her to let him get closer.
“I'm not sure it's such a good idea. It could make things awfully complicated at work. You're my boss, Adam.” She smiled up at him, and as attracted to him as she was, she was afraid of repercussions at the office.
And then he smiled at her regretfully. “Not for much longer, I'm afraid, if that makes any difference to you. I'm being transferred to sales in two weeks. I just heard about it today.”
“How do you feel about that?” She was concerned for him. It was kind of a sidestep, and in his shoes she'd have been crushed, but he didn't look too disturbed as he shrugged and smiled at her.
“No big deal. I might like it better than where I am … except for you, of course. Will you see me more often then?” It would certainly make things easier for her, but she still wasn't sure if she should get involved with him. Life was so much easier living as a celibate.
Celibacy had become a way of life to her, and giving it up meant risking a part of herself. “Hilary?” He was looking down at her as they walked, and he gently took her hand. He seemed very young as he smiled at her, and in some ways he still was. “I want to be with you … you mean a lot to me …”
“Adam, you don't even know who I am … I could be anyone … La femme aux yeux verts …” The words slipped out and she laughed.
“What does that mean?”
“It's French.” She had revived her French in college, and was surprised to find it was still there, dormant but not dead, a final gift from her mother. “It means the woman with green eyes.”
“How come you speak French?” He wanted to know everything about her, and there was so little she wanted to tell him.
“I spoke it a long time ago … when I was a little girl. And I picked it up again in college.”
“Did your parents speak French?” She could have told him then, could have begun to open up, could have said something about Solange, but she decided it was safer not to.
“No, I just learned it at school, I guess.” He nodded, satisfied with the answer she'd given him, and when they reached her apartment, after a moment's hesitation, she invited him upstairs. They listened to Roberta Flack on her stereo, and talked for hours over a bottle of wine, and he stood up regretfully around one o'clock and looked down at her with a wistful smile.
“I'd like to spend the night with you, Hilary, but I get the feeling you're not ready for that … are you?” She shook her head, not sure she would ever be. People had tried to get close to her but she was not even remotely tempted. “Are you involved with anyone?” He had meant to ask before but he had put it off. She shook her head in answer, looking at him strangely.
“No, I'm not … I haven't been in … a long time….”
“For any particular reason?”
“A lot of them. Most of them too complicated to explain.” He sat on her couch and looked at her quietly.
“Why don't you try me?”
She shrugged again. She didn't want to tell him what she'd been through. That was nobody's business. She led a different life now, in another place, another world. She didn't want to drag those things with her, and yet she did, in spite of all her efforts to deny them. “I'm sorry, Adam … I can't….”
“Why not?” He reached out and took her hands in his. “Don't you trust me?”
“It's not that.” She felt her eyes fill with tears and she hated herself for it. “I don't want to talk about it … really….” She stood up and walked away, her. proud shoulders straightened against the world and all it had done to her. And without knowing it, she looked exactly like her mother.
“Hilary …” He walked up to her from behind and put his arms around her. “Why don't you let yourself go? I know how strong you are, I've seen it at work, but this is different … this is us … this isn't a war zone.”
Her voice was tired as she spoke to him with her head bowed. “Life is a war zone, Adam.”
“It doesn't have to be.” He was so gentle, and so innocent. She envied him his simple life. The most difficult thing that had ever happened to him was his wife's deciding she wanted to be free and no longer married. But he knew nothing of the agonies Hilary had endured. He couldn't even begin to understand them, “life can be so sweet … if you let it….”