When I awoke, I was rolling in my own filth and vomit, wearing the shackles of a slave. Part II Some Made Slaves War is the king and father of all, and some he shows as gods, others as men; some men are freed, and some are made slaves. Heraclitus, fr. 53
6
Hard to imagine what that awakening was like for me.
I had a fever. My wound was oozing pus – not that I knew that yet, I was off my head. And I had never been on a ship. I had no idea why I was wet, why the world swayed, why it was so cold.
It didn't take me long to know, to know, honey, that I was dead and in Tartarus for some forgotten sin. I didn't think that I was dead. I knew it. I flailed and swallowed my own filth. I was shackled under a rowing bench in the bottom rank of rowers. No one expected me to row – only free men rowed, back then – but I was shackled flat with eight other slaves, destined for market. Not that I understood. I knew nothing.
I went down again.
I awoke a second time when a tall man poured water over me while another man held his nose. They looked at the pus – that's when I saw my leg, red and angry and inflamed – and flinched. The tall man with the pointed beard prodded my leg and I was gone again.
I surfaced a third time in a pen, somewhere in Asia, I learned. I wasn't shackled, but my thigh still bled pus like a boy's spots. I had a fever like a child. And the other slaves – there were hundreds – avoided me as if I had the plague. For all they knew, I did. Slaves don't help each other, honey. That lesson hits you right away, when you go from the brotherhood of the phalanx to slavery.
I was never completely out again. I raved – and no one bought me. I wasn't worth an obol. The wound on my thigh wept pus, as they say, and because of it, no one buggered me, not even the sick bastards who live at the bottom of the muck of the slave trade. No one made me play their flute, or any of the other things they do to slave boys and girls. You ever wonder why Harmonia flinches every time you move your hand, honey? You don't want to know.
Have you seen the kind of slaves who sit in corners rambling, talking crazy, and never raise their eyes? No – you haven't. I never buy 'em, not even for rough work. People can be broken, just like toys.
I missed being broken because I was so disgusting. Bless the Lord of the Silver Bow and his deadly arrows. His ravens sit on my shield to this day because of that beautiful, stinking pus. I watched it – they raped a boy until he stopped complaining just a spear's length from where I lay. He was Thracian, and he got up silently from their abuse and killed himself, ripping his guts out with a stick, but few are so determined. Honey, you have no idea what a person can put up with, what depth of cowardice we discover when, by small surrenders, we can stay alive. Eh?
Oh, yes. Me, too. I'm sure I'd have given in. I was just a boy, and unlike the brave Thracian, I was utterly disoriented. I couldn't imagine how I'd come to be a slave, and I couldn't get my feet under me, so to speak, and I had a wound.
The slaves themselves prey on the weak. Oh yes! No honour among slaves. I had no food – ever. No honest boy came and brought me bread. They ate my gruel and my soup, and one day I awoke to find two bigger boys discussing my squalor and deciding I wasn't worth 'a fuck' – pardon me, honey, but they meant it. And then they pulled up their rags and pissed on me.
This is harder for you than the death of Pater, isn't it? Hard to picture the noble aristocrat as a victim, your own father with boys raining yellow urine in contempt. Hard to imagine me as a worthless slave. The dishonour. The shame. Eh?
Listen, honey – you know what Achilles says? Better to be the slave of a bad master than King of the Dead. Right? I was alive.
I told you that I tell the truth, at least as I remember it. Who is this fellow you've brought to listen to me? You look like an Ionian, young man. Well – eat well. You are my guest, and guest-friendship still counts for something, eh?
Odd as it sounds, I've always thought that the urine saved me. Being pissed on. It made me angry, and I think it washed the wound. Persians and Aegyptians use piss that way. Maybe not. Maybe the Deadly Archer simply looked the other way and I healed.
But, by the Lady, I was weak. I was so weak that I couldn't stand. I hadn't eaten for two weeks at least. I didn't even know where I was, but I knew that I was angry, and I wasn't going to die so that they could defecate on my corpse. I decided that I had to eat. And to eat, I had to fight off all comers and take food. The thing is, I couldn't fight. I could barely drag myself to the place where the food trough was filled. The boys who ate the most food were bigger, tougher, and none of them had a wound.
I'd like to say that I thought of something noble, like the Plataeans at Oinoe. They didn't win by fighting better. They merely refused to break. Fair enough. But I didn't really have a thought in my head. I was an animal. I decided that if I could endure pain, I could eat. I noticed that other slaves tried to take their food off into a corner and eat, like animals on a kill ripping a haunch and running. But it occurred to me in my feverish desperation that I could simply eat while they beat me. I'd tear food out of their hands and put it in my mouth. I've seen a starving cat do the same, on a wharf in Aegypt.
That was my plan, and it worked well enough.
It only worked because they feared the guards.
We had Scythian guards. Now that I know the Sakje better, I suspect that few, if any, were actually Sakje. They were probably a rabble of Persian bastards, half-Medes, half-Sakje and Bactrians. Scum. But armed scum, soldiers with bows.
They didn't do a lot, except prevent escape and punish us if we hurt each other too much. After all, we were worth money. But they watched us with the lazy, amused contempt of the better man for the worse. All free people know they are better than slaves. Slaves have no honour, no beauty, no dignity, nothing that makes them worth knowing. Why? It's all taken from them with their freedom, that's why. The ones who might have had dignity kill themselves.
They watched us for entertainment. They loved it when we fought, and they would wager money on their favourites.
One old fellow had wagered money that I would live. I figured it out from listening to him argue – he felt that I'd already beaten the odds. So the first day that I decided to eat, when I grabbed bread from the trough and stuck it in my mouth, and when a bigger man hit me with his fist, I kept eating.
I took a blow to the head, and my nose broke, and blood sprayed.
I kept eating.
Then the cage opened and the old Sakje waddled in and kicked my tormentor in the head.
I ate his food, too. While he lay unconscious, I ate it all.
The next morning, he was groggy. I ate his food again. His partner, one of the boys who had pissed on me, hit me in the face, where my nose had been broken, and I vomited from the pain. Then I picked up my bread and ate it. Disgusted yet?
In the evening, I felt better, despite the inflammation of my whole face. I got to the food trough and waited.
When the bread loaves began to fall into the trough, I waited for the food melee to begin and then I punched the biggest boy in the ear. Down he went. Once he was down, I kicked him in the head and took his bread. While I ate, I kicked him again and hurt my foot.
The next morning, the other slaves gave me space at the trough. My guard laughed when he saw me. Later I heard him demand payment, but the other soldier told him I would be dead before the end of the day. He said this in Ionian Greek, a variant on our language – well, you know, honey. And this fellow you brought with you grew up with it, so I won't bore you with how it still sounds alien to me now.
It didn't take long to realize that my two tormentors were planning to kill me. Murder was not so infrequent in the slave pens. I watched them from under my hair – my lank, filthy hair, full of bugs – and saw they were together. I had united them. Or perhaps they were allies before my coming, although, as I say, such alliances are rare for slaves.