I expected him to get angry or to fight me, which was why I got a surprise when a pained smile shaped his lips. “You haven’t changed a bit, have you?”
I returned his smile, the tiny expression practically lighting me up from the inside out. I wanted to keep that smile, box it up as proof that happiness was still possible for him. “Nah, if anything, I’ve only gotten better with age.”
His intense eyes practically bored a hole in me. “I don’t doubt it.”
I shivered, and it was clear that he saw. “Cold?”
I shook my head. His eyes heated, and his chest rose and fell slowly as he took a deep breath. “What, then?”
“Just….” I sighed. “Memories.”
He raised a questioning brow. I kept staring at him until he finally understood, and then something in his posture shifted. He was less of the sick, vulnerable man and more of the old, confident King I once knew. It was only a glimpse, yet it affected me right down to the tips of my toes. A shudder ran through me, and King shifted closer, gaze alight, his words barely a whisper. “Tell me.”
“Do you remember the photo shoot?”
King smiled again, and my heart thudded. More, it urged, I need more of those to place in the sacred box of smiles. “The one where I figured out you were a dirty little liar? Why, yes, I believe I do.”
He was teasing me now, and my stomach did a somersault of glee. I needed to keep this going, keep him from thinking about the pain he was in.
“Well, I was just thinking of you in those jeans and how you didn’t even care that you were half-naked in a room full of people. You were so at ease with yourself.”
He shrugged and glanced down at the table, then back at me. “Nudity never bothered me.”
“I could tell. It was so fucking sexy. I was like, kill me now because there’s no way I’m gonna be able to keep pretending I’m a lesbo with this perfect male specimen.” I loved the sound of his soft answering chuckle and watched his reaction to my words carefully. I was delighted that they’d had the desired effect. They made him feel complimented, proud, to have once been worthy of female admiration. It meant he could feel that way again. I wanted him to see that there were things worth living for, and sometimes the small things were the best ones. Like when a woman notices you walking down the street, or when someone flirts with you and signals their attraction.
“I had started to become suspicious,” King admitted. “The way you looked at me sometimes….”
“What?” I prompted, eager to know what he’d been about to say.
He levelled me with his eyes. “Sometimes you’d look at me like you wanted me.”
I grew hot suddenly, and laughed to try to defuse the moment. “Well, your suspicions were spot on.”
He turned to face me fully then, his head tilting to the side in curiosity as his gaze drifted down my body acutely. “How long has it been for you?”
His question both surprised and took me off guard. Oh, how he could read me so well, even after all these years. It made my pores tingle to think he’d been paying attention. Yes, I knew exactly what he was asking, but the honest answer embarrassed me. In truth, it had been years since I’d last had sex.
King had been gone for months, disappeared without a trace. I’d just found out I was pregnant and was feeling terribly sorry for myself. Lee was still sniffing around Karla as they played their old I hate you, but I want to fuck you head games with each other. We were at a pub one night when the brothers had shown up. I wasn’t drinking, of course, but I wasn’t in my right mind, either. And when Stu came over and started laying on the moves, I succumbed to them. Admittedly, not my finest hour, but I was lonely and depressed and just wanted to feel the comfort of another human being. That was six years ago, and also the very last time I’d had sex.
I decided immediately that I wasn’t going to tell King about that night with Stu, because it would be counterproductive and pointless. However, I also wasn’t going to mislead him into believing I’d been with no one since him, either.
“Too many years,” I answered finally.
His eyes lingered on my mouth before moving up to meet my gaze. “You’re not with anyone now?”
I shook my head. He frowned and asked another question. “Why not?”
I pulled self-consciously at the hem of my blouse. I’d been wearing it all day, and it was starting to feel a bit clammy. “I’ve just been busy,” I answered, then hastened to add, “With the agency, keeping everything running smoothly. You hardly get a moment to yourself when you run your own business.” And have a five-year-old to take care of, my conscience put in.
King stared at me, and the silence lasted for a long time until I had to break it. “What about you?” I whispered, and now it was his turn to become self-conscious.
“I haven’t, I mean…some of the women here, they try with me, but I’m always…I’m never really present enough, you know.”
What he said caused my protective instincts to kick into high gear. “They never tried to be with you against your will, did they?”
King’s eyes flared at my question, and he hurried to correct me. “God, no.”
I let out a sigh of relief. “So you haven’t?”
He shook his head, and my heart ached for him. He really had been imprisoned. So alone. It shocked me to realise that I might have preferred for him to have someone. Don’t get me wrong, I hated the idea at the same time, because in my heart he belonged to me and no one else. But the fact that he hadn’t had any companionship shone a stark light on his suffering. I would have wanted him to have a moment of relief amidst the turmoil, even if it did make me jealous as all hell.
We shared a moment of deep, intense eye contact, and then I heard music begin to play from inside the circus tent. It was a sound check, and light, tinkling piano drifted all around us. King’s expression morphed at the very sound of it, and I knew he was remembering how much he used to love playing.
“I told you that Elaine started playing again, didn’t I?” King stared at me. I cleared my throat. “Well, not for audiences or anything like that. Just at home. I think it’s therapeutic for her. You should think about….”
“I’m not playing the piano again, so please stop pushing.”
“I’m only trying to help you,” I whispered.
“You are helping me. Just by being here, you’re helping. Trust me.”
I swallowed. “Okay.” A pause. “Will you at least consider seeing a doctor? That cough doesn’t sound too pretty, and if left unchecked, it could turn into something nasty.” It already sounded like it had turned into something nasty, but I was just so desperate for him to go and get checked out that I’d latch on to any reason.
He stared at the floor. “I told you I didn’t want to.”
“Yeah, you did,” I said, losing my gentle tone. “And do you know what else that tells me? It tells me that you don’t care about yourself enough to worry that you might be badly sick, and that is the scariest fucking thing, Oliver. The scariest.”
He let out a dark, miserable laugh. “Look at me, Alexis. Everything about me should tell you that.”
Now I grew upset, my voice shaky with unshed tears. “But I want you to care.”
I saw his self-hatred wriggle its way into his expression. It was awful to look at, so ugly. I wanted to kill it dead, but it had been corrupting him for years. You didn’t kill corruption like that in a day. What he believed to be true had moulded him to hate himself.
“It’s hard to care for something that’s already falling apart,” he said vehemently.
I stared at him, suddenly pissed off at the way he spoke. “That’s a fucking cop-out, and you know it. Just because something’s broken doesn’t mean it can’t be fixed. It’s just takes guts, guts and a whole lot of effort. But clearly you don’t want to even try.” My words were a challenge, and I desperately needed him to stand up to them, counter them. I saw the flash of temper in his eyes and knew what I’d said had riled him.