” The best way to fight something that frightens you is to go right up to it and look it in the face.”
” I am doing that.”
” Well, what is the worst that could happen?”
That another Catherine Carder should be taken to that place. That her child should be born there. “
“We’ll not let it happen. Nobody could do that, could they?”
” Could they not? If the doctor was convinced that it was the best place for me?”
” It’s all such nonsense. I never knew anyone so sane. You’re as sane as I am.”
I turned to him and said vehemently: ” I am, Simon, I am.”
He took my hands and, to my astonishment—for I had not until this moment thought him capable of such a gesture towards me—he kissed them, and I could feel the fervour of those kisses through my gloves.
Then he pressed my hand so tightly that I winced at the pain of his grip.
” I’m with you in this,” he said.
I knew a moment of great happiness. I felt the strength of him flowing into my body, and I was grateful, so grateful that I wondered whether such gratitude must be love.
” Do you mean it?”
” Heart and soul,” he answered. ” Nobody shall take you where you don’t want to go.”
” The way things have been going alarms me, Simon. I’m looking this right in the face, as you said. And I am frightened. I thought I should fight it better by pretending not to be afraid, but pretence isn’t going to help, is it? Ever since I saw the monk the first time, life has changed for me. I’ve been like a different person … a frightened person. I now know that all the time I’ve been wondering what is going to happen next. It has made me nervous … different, Simon, different.”
” Anyone would feel so. There’s nothing strange about that.”
“You don’t believe in ghosts, Simon, do you? If people say they see a ghost, you think they’re lying or that they’ve imagined they saw something.”
” I don’t think that about you.”
” Then you can only think that inside the monk’s robe was a real person.”
” Yes, I think that.”
“Then I must tell you all the truth. Nothing must be held back.” And I told him of the apparition I had seen in the Abbey when Damaris was with me, and how she had declared there had been nothing there. ” I think that was the worst moment of all because then I began to doubt myself.”
” We must assume that Damaris knows what’s going on; she must be a party to the plot. “
” I am sure Luke wants to marry her, but does she want to marry Luke?”
” Perhaps she wants to marry the Revels,” said Simon;
” and she couldn’t do that, could she, unless the place was Luke’s.”
” You’re helping me … you’re helping me a lot.”
” It’s what I want to do more than anything.”
” How can I thank you!”
His arm was round me now ; he drew me to him and kissed me lightly on the cheek. I could feel his cold face pressed against mine for a few seconds and the warmth which enveloped me surprised me.
” It is strange that I should look to you for comfort.”
” Not at all strange. We’re two of a kind.”
” Oh yes, you admire my common sense. You thought it was very clever of me to marry Gabriel … for his possessions.”
” So you remember that.”
” It is not the sort of thing one is likely to forget. I suppose you would not blame whoever it is who wants to drive me mad … if they succeed.”
” I’d wring his neck … if I could find him.”
” Then your attitude has changed.”
” Not in the least. I didn’t admire you for, as I thought, marrying Gabriel for what he could give you. I admired you for your sharp wits and your courage … which I knew were there.”
” I am not being very courageous now.”
” You are going to be.”
” I must be, it seems, if I am to retain your good opinion.”
He was pleased by the lightness which had crept into our conversation; as for myself I was surprised that, with the burden of suspicion that was lying heavily upon me, I could indulge in it; but it did me good that much I knew.
” Yes,” he repeated, ” you are going to be. And I am here to help you.”
” Thank you, Simon.”
He looked at me intently for a few seconds and I read in his looks the knowledge which he wished me to share. He and I were about to embark on a new relationship; it was an exciting one; it would be one of stimulation to us both, of fierce disagreements and splendid accord.
We were two of a kind. He had recognised that, as I did now. I knew what he was telling me, and I wanted to listen so much.
I went on: ” There have been times when I did not know whom I could trust.”
” You will trust me,” he said.
” It sounds like a command.” I smiled. ” It often does when you make a statement.”
” That is a command.”
” And you think you have a right to command me?”
” Yes … in view of … everything, I do.”
I did not want to move from this spot. I felt as though I had found a peaceful place in which to rest and be happy. Behind me lay that grim institution with its dark secrets; ahead of me the Revels and, somewhere not far distant, was my father’s house. But here I was suspended between threats of disaster, and here I wanted to stay.
I believed in that moment that I was in love with Simon Redvers and he with me. It was a strange conclusion to arrive at at such a time in a cold country lane.
It did not seem strange to me that these strong emotions I felt were for Simon Redvers. In some way he reminded me of Gabriel; he was Gabriel without his weakness. When I was with Simon I understood what had made me hurry into that marriage with Gabriel. I had seen something to love and protect there, and that was what I needed; I had loved him in a way, for there are many kinds of love. Pity is love, I thought; the need to protect is love. But there was a deep and passionate love of which I knew nothing; I knew, though, that to love completely one must know every phase of loving, and that was the real adventure, to widen one’s emotions, to discover their depths as the years passed.
But I was a long way from such an adventure. There was so much to be lived through first. I had to be delivered of a child and of my fear.
And at this moment I could not peer very far into the mist which hid the future.
But Simon was with me, and such a thought, even at this time, could set my senses singing.
” Very well,” I said, ” I am ready to listen to your commands.”
“Ready then. The first thing we’re going to do is drive to an inn a mile along this road. There we are going to eat,” ” I couldn’t eat.”
” You have forgotten that you suggested I should command
” But the thought of food revolts me.”
” There is a quiet little room just off the inn parlour where the host serves his special guests. I am always a special guest. His speciality is a pudding made with steak and mushrooms. It has to be tasted to be believed. We’ll have a claret which he will bring from his cellar especially for us. I defy you to resist when you smell the aroma of mine host’s speciality.”
” I will come with you and watch you enjoy it.”
He took my hand again, brought it half-way to his lips, then pressed it and smiled at me.
It was strange that I could be almost happy as we bowled along that road with the wind in our faces and the wintry sun trying to smile at us; but I was.
I even ate a little of the special pudding; and the claret warmed me.
Simon was practical as he always would be.
” Your next step,” he said, ” is to write to your father. You must ask him for the truth. But mind you, whatever the truth, we are not going to be downhearted.”