He squeezed my shoulder. “If I was only half as trusting as you.” A smile hovered on his face.
“Oh, come on,” I said with a playful smack on his shoulder. “Who do you think taught trust by example? You did. And I’m so grateful. Now,” my gaze flicked to a cobweb in the corner, “I have to see what Brad’s position is on all this.”
“Let’s get supper going and you can visit him first thing tomorrow morning.”
My stomach growled at the mention of food. “Good idea.” I forced my heart to stay calm at the thought of seeing Brad again, pushing back the fear. I was going to be direct with him. Firm. Take charge, just like Monique’s girlfriend had done. And Brad would be thrilled to see me and happy to hear everything I had to say.
But even as Puppa and I walked to the kitchen, I knew that nothing about tomorrow was going to be fun-or easy.
40
Puppa and I ate breakfast together, a silent meal peppered with private emotion.
“Thanks for the eggs,” I said, bringing my dish to the kitchen and rinsing off traces of yolk.
“I’ll do the cleanup, Patricia. You get on with your day.” He squirted dish soap into the sink as it filled with water.
“I don’t mind helping.” I wet a dishcloth and wiped down the dining room table, knowing that any delay in going to see Brad could only be a good thing. I scratched at a piece of food stuck to the wood. What if he still refused to see me? Candice had said that after I left his apartment last time, he had a crew of doctors in with him the next day. But what if his plans for recovery didn’t include me? Could I handle it?
I gave a final swipe with my cloth. Of course I could. I had plans of my own. That was the whole point. Lives that were separate, but together. Just like things had always been for us.
In the kitchen, I tossed the cloth into the sink. How dumb did that sound? If Brad and I were going to be a couple, we should be together, not apart. But I didn’t want to give up on college. Not this time. Not again. Not for Brad, or for anyone. Finishing up at Del Gloria was something I had to do for myself. I could be part of a couple and still have my own goals, couldn’t I?
By the time the swirling thoughts subsided for a moment, I had both hands planted on the kitchen counter and was on the verge of hyperventilating.
Puppa dried his hands. “Hey. Don’t make this bigger than it is. Brad loves you. It’s going to be okay.”
I nodded and evened out my breathing. “You’re right. I know you’re right. It’ll be okay.”
“Get moving, before you talk yourself out of it.” He flicked water at me with his fingers.
I gave a little scream and laughed. “Okay. I’m going.” Upstairs, I checked my hair and makeup one last time, smoothing on a fresh dab of lipstick.
My eyes, with their downward turn in the corners, sparkled in the mirror. My cheeks were rosy, my hair glossy. I looked like a kid on Christmas morning ready to rip open every gift under the tree. I blinked hard, hoping I wasn’t setting myself up for more disappointment.
I made the drive to Manistique. As the snowy landscape passed by, I realized I hadn’t experienced this area in the summertime since I was a kid. I still hadn’t swum in the lake, or watched the fireworks on the Fourth of July, I hadn’t hiked down the jetty to the lighthouse in Manistique Harbor, or explored the boardwalk along the shore. I’d wanted to save all that for Brad. Now it looked like I’d have to do it on my own after all.
The turn for River’s Edge appeared in front of me, as if I’d driven on automatic all the way. I pulled in, hands shaking, stomach cramping, brain seizing.
Inside the assisted living home, I forced my feet to move in the direction of Brad’s apartment. A brass number shone on the door in front of me. I stared at the digits as if they offered some magical escape route. Then I knocked.
Austin answered, wearing his trademark blue scrubs. “Oh. It’s you. Thought you moved to Canada or something.” “Hate to disappoint you. Can I come in, please?” I tried to keep my voice casual and steady.
“Wait here. I’ll see.”
Austin shut the door, leaving me in the hallway. He reappeared a moment later, an amused look on his face. “Yes. You may come in.”
I blew out the breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding. “Thanks.” I stepped inside and glanced around the tiny living room/kitchenette combination. I pointed to the bedroom door. “May I?”
“Absolutely.” He stepped aside, one hand ushering me closer to the dreaded moment.
I looked with wonder at Austin, amazed how his attitude had gone from “no way” to “okay” in just over a week. “All right, then. Thank you.” I turned the knob, easing the door open. My eyes shot to the bed. Empty. “You came back.” Brad’s voice came from a chair by the window. All I could see was the top of his head over the tall, leather back. Pillows in white cases spilled over the sides.
I stepped toward him, coming into his line of vision. “Hi.” I leaned against the window ledge, studying his face in the cool light. He’d gotten thinner since I’d first seen him across the fence that separated our backyards in Rawlings. His cheeks seemed a touch on the hollow side, the laugh lines around his eyes looking more like deep wrinkles these days. His body was wedged into the chair and supported by puffs of pillows.
“It’s good to see you out of bed,” I ventured, convinced that anything I said would probably be the wrong thing.
“Thank you.” He seemed to struggle for words. “I’m surprised to see you here.”
My fingers twisted together and I simply stared at him. We were like two strangers who’d never spent time looking into each other’s eyes. Who’d never touched and felt the electricity flow between them. Who’d never put their hearts on the line and told each other their secret hopes and dreams. I could accept that and leave things the way they were, or I could take charge and fight back.
“Of course I’m here. A little bellowing won’t scare me off. You’ll have to do worse than that if you never want to see me again.”
His eyes flickered, as if afraid to hope. “I heard you went to Canada. I didn’t think you’d be back.”
“Long story short, I went there to find Candice and bring her to justice. Instead, I found my father. He’s married and has three daughters.” My face broke out in a smile that couldn’t be suppressed. “I have sisters now.” But dark events blotted out my happiness. “In the end, Candice gave her life to save mine. She paid for what she did to you.” My eyes watered. “I wish I could say I felt better about the whole thing.”
His finger twitched against a pillow, as if asking for comfort. I reached out, slowly, and touched the skin of his hand. I closed my eyes and remembered the soft feel of it against my cheek. Then suddenly I was on my knees in front of him, crushing the warmth of his hand to my face. The blankets on his lap caught my tears as I rubbed his palm to my temple, my cheek, my neck, then my lips. I held his hand there, weeping over it, glad for the warmth and life it contained, but saddened by Brad’s inability to respond to my love.
At the sound of a sniffle, I looked up. Tears ran in rivulets down Brad’s face.
“You still love me?” he asked.
“How do you stop loving someone who is a part of you? My past, present, and future are wrapped up with yours. I’m not giving up my dreams because of a little bullet. You still have your life. Your mind. You’re still the man I fell in love with.”
A cry ripped from his throat. “I want to hold you and I can’t. I want to take care of you and I can’t. Nothing works anymore.”
“Shhh.” I scooted up and put my ear to his chest, basking in the simple sound of his heartbeat. I looked into his eyes. “Your heart works okay. You can still love me.”