“Listen, Ackie, am I barred?”
“Yeah,” he said, “you’re washed up. What can I do about it for you?”
I thought a moment. “This is Spencer’s idea of getting me out of town.”
“Looks like it.”
“I’m in a spot, Mo,” I said. “I want some money.”
Ackie gave a groan. “Hell! Is it as bad as that?”
“Well, I guess not as bad as all that. I can run for a couple of weeks, but I’ve gotta get some dough.”
“You can count on me. I’ll let you have some.”
I grinned ruefully into the mouthpiece. “That’s swell of you, but I’ve gotta earn a livin’. You can’t keep me and Mardi all your life.”
“Maybe it’ll clear up by then, or maybe you’d better get moving.”
I said, “I’ll let you know,” and I hung up.
So I was barred. This was serious. I walked out into the street thinking. Spencer looked like getting his own way. I knew I was up against a powerful mob, and I knew when to quit. It looked to me right then that I’d better pack up and move to another State.
I was feeling pretty low by the time I got back to the fishing-lodge. I didn’t want to worry Mardi, but at the same time I wanted her to know just how I stood. I didn’t know how far Spencer’s influence carried. He was rich enough to carry weight with all the nationals. If the bosses had shares in this phoney business, they’d be glad to give him my head on a plate.
I walked up the drive, after I had parked the car in the garage. There was no sign of Mardi. I went quietly so that I should surprise her.
On my way up-town I’d got her two pairs of silk stockings. I’d felt pretty mushy buying them, but once I got clear of the shop I was glad. I guessed she would be pleased, because up to now I hadn’t bought her anything.
I beetled into the hall and made for the kitchen. She wasn’t there. So I went into the dining-room. The light was burning, but she wasn’t there either. I was just going upstairs when I saw something that brought me up short.
I stood there feeling cold chills running through me, and a sick feeling gathering inside me. I tried to kid myself that the two dark stains at my feet were paint stains, but I knew they weren’t. Slowly, I knelt down and touched one of them with my finger-tips. It was wet and sticky.
I stood up, looking at my fingers in the electric light. They were a bright red. Without knowing what I was doing I walked into the kitchen and let the water from the sink tap run over my hands. Deliberately I took a towel and wiped them dry.
I was so scared and sick that I was afraid to do anything else. I just stood there holding the towel, sweating ice. I heard myself say out loud: “Don’t let them have killed her… don’t let them have killed her… please, God… don’t let them have killed her.”
I told myself I’d have to go and look. I had to go upstairs and see where she was, but that’s as far as I could go. Nothing would get me out of the kitchen and upstairs.
I put the towel away after folding it carefully. I had to do something. I went back to the middle of the kitchen and stood there waiting. I said to myself that Mardi would come in in a moment from the garden, but I knew she wouldn’t. Katz had found her, and he had killed her; that I knew was what had happened, but I wouldn’t let myself believe it. I kept saying she’d be along in a moment or so, that the stuff on the floor outside was paint, it just couldn’t be Mardi’s blood, but I knew it was.
Then I thought of her all alone when Katz came. I could see her against the wall, her big, smoky eyes very wide, but her chin up. That would be the way she’d face up to Katz. She’d be thinking of me, and all the time she was going away from me I was talking to that bastard Johnson. I was worrying about dough when Mardi was being killed.
The sick feeling inside me began to ease a little, and the first shock gave way to a numbed feeling at the back of my brain. I went outside and stood looking at the bloodstains in the sitting-room. They were near the wall. When I looked closer I could see two bruises on the paint on the wainscoting. They looked like two heel marks. I could picture Mardi trying to press herself into the wall as Katz came at her. It made me feel so bad that I had to sit down.
Then I did a thing I’d never done since I was a kid. I didn’t know I was doing it until I tasted the salt in my mouth. Going on like this wouldn’t get me anywhere so I got up and gave myself a shot of Scotch. I took three-quarters of a tumbler and it went down like water. I guess it did the trick all right, because I got a grip on myself and I began to use my brain.
I went over to the telephone and dialled. I knew I couldn’t handle this on my own. I had to share this with someone.
I said to Ackie: “Come on out here fast.”
That’s the big thing about Ackie, he always knew when you wanted him bad. He didn’t ask why, nor did he make excuses. I knew that he was right in the middle of going to press, but he just said: “Keep your shirt on, I’m on my way,” and he hung up.
If he came fast he could make it an hour. I knew I couldn’t wait an hour before going upstairs. I went over to the sideboard and belted the Scotch again, then I decided to go on up and see.
I went into the hall and looked up the stairs. The lodge was silent. Standing there, facing the stairs, I realized how much Mardi meant to me. I began to walk forward. The stairs seemed to go on a long way. I couldn’t hurry, but I kept on. When I reached the top I felt heavy in the legs, just as if I’d been walking through glue.
On the landing there were two bathrooms, two bedrooms and a dressing-room. All the five doors were shut. Mardi might be behind any one of these. I knew the most likely would be our bedroom, but I didn’t try that first. I went into one of the bathrooms. She wasn’t there. I left the door open and the light on and went into the dressing-room. She wasn’t there either.
I went out on to the landing and stood looking at the other doors and I felt bad. It took me a little while before I could go on. This time I went to our bedroom. I turned the handle slowly and pushed the door open, then I put my hand round and turned on the light. I didn’t go in at once. I just stood looking in.
I looked everywhere but at the bed, because I knew she would be there. Then I brought my eyes down to the bed. I felt the cold trickle of sweat running down my back.
There was a large red stain on the white sheet, which was drawn over her face. I could see, from where I was standing, the small hills that marked her feet, her hands, her breasts, and her nose. The sheet was drawn tight and I could clearly see those small hills.
I leant against the doorpost and just looked. Then I began to hate Spencer and his wife and Katz and the fat guy and Gus and the whole hellish business as I had never hated anything before. I wanted to get close to them all and get my hands on them. I wanted to hurt and kill them all because of what they had done to me. I no longer cared what would happen to me. I just wanted to even things up, knew that I was just kidding myself, because if I did kill them all it wouldn’t help me. It wouldn’t bring Mardi back and it would never take the picture I had of her facing what she had faced alone.
If only I had been there with her we could have gone out together. I know she wouldn’t have minded.
I didn’t go into the room. I turned off the light and went downstairs again. In the sitting-room I sat down and fumbled for my cigarette case. I noticed, as I struck a match, that my hands were very steady. I was a little surprised. I just sat there smoking with a blank mind until Ackie came.
I heard his car roaring up the drive and I went out to meet him. He had come faster than I thought. He was out of the car before I could get to the front door, and when he had a look at me he just pushed me back into the lodge and shut the front door.
“What is, it, Nick?”