Steve replies that he didn’t mean to give that impression and he wasn’t planning on disappearing, but he remains breezy and distant, saying “Keep in touch.”
Kelly goes out drinking with her friend Mina and sends him an email at 2:25 a.m. “Cause you know. . it’s not just for the homos anymore. So, my friend Mina and I just returned from karaoke night at the bar (and possibly one too many cranberry and vodkas. .) and we have decided to launch a campaign to take back the rainbow. . because damnit, we like rainbows and we don’t want people thinking we are gay because of it. So join us in our worthy crusade!:) Are you free on Sunday morning? I was thinking that if you are, that would be a good time for you to come over. I don’t work until 3pm! I was going to go to church, but I mean, I could be persuaded into staying home for some sex instead. So. . let me know.:)”
What’s it like for Steve to read this email? He’s told his gay sister that he thinks he’s gay. He’s been with men. It’s possible that sex with women is only a cover, a desire to be different than what he is. But no one in his life ever knows all of him, so he’s often caught in this kind of conversation. His politics are the same contradictory mix. His friends at NIU think he’s to the left and that he wants to go into social work because he wants to help people, believes in rehabilitation, etc. They can imagine him in support of the Rainbow Coalition. But really he thinks they’re all naive bleeding heart liberals, and his own faith rests only on the individual, above morality, above social code, ultra — right wing. One time after he’s been reading his copy of Nietzsche’s The Anti-Christ, he sets it down and Jessica picks it up. This upsets him — he’s really angry, it’s a violation — and he tells her the book is “very personal.” Nearly every sentence of The Anti-Christ is an incitement to mass murder. Many of my fellow professors disagree with that, but I studied German and the history of German thought, and I have no sympathy for the church (I’m an atheist), so I should theoretically be a good reader for this book, but I still think it’s the single ugliest book ever written. Steve loved it. No morality, just kill, kill, kill. Assert your will because you’re bigger and better.
Steve’s response to Kelly’s email is short and doesn’t reveal much: “Take back the Rainbow for freedom and democracy! Perhaps it can be a future campaign platform? Sunday morning will not work for me, as I’ll be too busy sacrificing virgins to the almighty dark lord Satan on that day. Well that, and I’ll be in Schaumburg.”
Steve contacts the Navy recruiter in Champaign a few days later, on January 28, and says he’d like to enlist, not as an officer, even though his college education would make that possible now. He wants to be a grunt, told what to do, every day structured, no decisions. Is this a last attempt to grab a lifeline? Does he know where he’s headed otherwise? He and the recruiter, Nole Scoville, discuss his previous discharge and Prozac in the past, and it seems that nothing will actually prohibit Steve from reenlisting. “The applicant revealed to me that he had been an entry level separation from the Army for failure to adjust,” reads Scoville’s report. “He had also revealed that he had taken Prozac in the past but had been off the medication for 8 years. The applicant also told me that he had a screw in his knee. By our instruction there were no blueprinting hits that would immediately disqualify him.”
Steve is careful during the call, and afterward he’s worried. He didn’t tell the recruiter that he’s currently on Prozac. If he goes into a psychiatric exam and says he’s taking Prozac, that will disqualify him, won’t it? And they might take a blood test.
Steve needs to return to the military. He talks about law school, about public administration, about corrections, about academia, but he’s lost. A safe, controlled environment, daily structure, that’s what he needs. He knows this about himself.
So he stops taking the Prozac. He has to do that. And just like when he went off it in the fall, everything gets worse. His obsessive compulsive disorder, his checking behaviors, his anxiety. He only has to get through maybe three weeks of it, and then he should be clean for a drug test. Does he realize, though, that his Army history is likely to repeat, that the Navy will likely find out he’s lied about mental health in his application? Does this add to the stress, his sense of doom, his inevitable failure?
~ ~ ~
STEVE SITS ON THE COUCH CRUISING CRAIGSLIST. He keeps the screen facing away from Jessica, closes it if she gets too close. Sometimes she’s talking, and he doesn’t even realize she’s been talking. She says he’s acting strange, won’t get off his case until finally he admits he’s off his meds.
Then she wants to know why, of course, and he tells her, and she thinks the military is a stupid waste of his education and intelligence. But he knows he’s not really that smart. He’s not going to make it in academia or law school or public administration. He could work in prisons, or be some other kind of social worker, but right now, that just sounds like hell.
On January 31, 2008, two weeks before his shooting, Steve sends Kelly a link to the V-Tech Rampage game, asking, “Have you seen this? It’s old, but was amazingly controversial for some reason.” Her response is odd: “No, I hadn’t seen that and I can’t imagine why that would be so controversial. I lost the first round.” By first round, I think she means she’s played the trial version of the game. “I forgot to shoot that girl,” she continues, “and I was just going after all the black people. Sort of practice for what I would actually do in such a situation. =) Just kidding. .! Sorry to hear that school is so insane for you. I’m sure you’re learning lots of useful and awesome stuff. When things calm down, maybe you can come for a visit and some ‘stress relief’. . and we can shoot at black people together!”
Steve replies by sending Kelly a link to snopes.com of “Misspelled Martin Luther King Day Signs,” reading “I HAVE A DRAEM” and “I HAVE A DERAM.”
Steve sends the link to V-Tech Rampage to Mark, also: “Some history: I originally played this game when it was released, but it has since been edited due to an apparent RIAA legal threat, (music copyright violation). The original songs were significant and have been transferred into 8 bit NES-style [Nintendo] music. In case you’re curious, the original songs were “Shine” by Collective Soul and “Mr. Brownstone” by Guns N’ Roses; the former was Cho’s favorite song while the latter was (as you know) a short play written by Cho in one of his undergraduate classes. The last song should still be there, which is actually pretty funny if you listen to the whole thing, (it’s a home-made song called Ke-Ke-Ke). The phrase Ke-Ke-Ke means LOL and is popular amongst Asian users of Starcraft. The significance of Ke-Ke-Ke here is lost on me, but the lyrics are hilarious and the hook isn’t half bad. . I used to play Starcraft online and get my ass kicked by Asians.”
Steve and Kelly have a conversation about mass murder for the next three days, mixed up with sex and race. Steve sends her a link on February 1 to a story about a woman who microwaved her baby, asking “Defrost or Timed Cook?” and Kelly responds, “You should know that nothing much offends me, that’s just kinda sad. makes we want to hunt down people and off them. then again, a lot of things have that effect on me. . im off mon thru thu this week, so maybe we will both have a free day. sometime anyway! i have something i want to try, haha (note evil laugh. .)”