“I like you Pete. I’m happy here in this moment.” He nodded.
His fingers found the buttons on her blouse. As he twisted the tiny pieces of plastic she closed her eyes to savour the illicit pleasure that had come so unexpectedly. As he pulled the fabric from her shoulders she felt a frisson of fear. What would he think of her? She was no longer a girl. She had stayed slim, kept herself fit, but her breasts and her stomach were those of a forty-year old. He lowered his head and his lips played across her shoulders. She felt the flutter of his kisses on her neck and then her breath was taken as he raised a hand to her breast, to hold and to gently tease.
She pulled at his shirt and the belt of his jeans. When they were unfastened and in a heap at his feet he stepped out of them and with a grin he pulled of his socks.
Pauline slipped out of her trousers and climbed onto the bed dragging the chilly duvet over her. He pulled it aside to snuggle underneath and then wrapped her to him and held her in his warm arms. Their legs twined and their breath mingled and she found with him a kindness, a generosity and a pleasure that she had never known before.
Chapter 46
Unfamiliar greys and shadows disoriented her and the bulk of a body in the bed was strange and unsettling in her half-waking state. Pauline lay still and quiet until dream and reality divided and she remembered it all. Where and who and why. Pete murmured and turning, drew her into the warmth of his sleeping body. As she curled into him tears came to her eyes for she knew that this could not be and it broke her heart to have what she couldn’t hold.
She didn’t sleep again. The curtains were open and dawn unveiled a new day and the rustle of leaves and patter of rain on the window spoke of dying summer. She pressed closer to the man beside her and revelled in the comfort and what she knew was to be a fleeting happiness.
Pete woke and smiled across the rumpled pillows and kissed her face and neck and they made love slowly. His hands caressed the rounds and hollows of her body. As they stroked and teased and nibbled she lost herself in his gentleness and generosity and finally in the urgency of their mutual need. She had never known it could be like this…
Later she slid from the bed and dragged on Pete’s discarded T-Shirt. She pulled it down to cover her behind and then laughed as he raised his eyebrows at the coyness after their recent familiarity. She felt sated and soothed by their intimacy and more than that he had made her feel whole, and even more yet she felt beautiful and womanly.
She didn’t want to spoil the moment but knew life would go on and they must leave this room and this moment.
“Can I have a shower?”
“Did I do the electric thing last night?”
“I don’t know. I don’t think so.”
“Right. Give me a minute and I’ll sort it. God I’m starving.”
His legs swung from the bed and he leaned to retrieve his boxers from the tangle of clothes on the floor. She watched and felt emotion flood her body. She could love this man.
His voice came from downstairs in the hallway. “Okay Pauline, the heat’s on. I’m going to fish in the freezer and get breakfast underway.”
“Thanks.” The bathroom was spotless and it was obvious that, though the house had been unlived in, someone kept it clean. The airing cupboard held a pile of towels and there was shampoo. She paused at the sight of the bottle on the glass shelf. Shampoo.
It wasn’t her business. She picked up the bottle and realised with a tiny thud of disappointment that it was open and partly used. So, someone else came here and used the bathroom and cleaned and polished. It wasn’t her business.
The smell of bacon and coffee made her mouth water. With a hint of distaste she pulled on yesterday’s underwear and blouse. Her fingers hovered over the handle of a drawer but in the end it was too much of an invasion of privacy to pull it forward. In truth she didn’t want to see. If there was underwear in there, women’s underwear, she couldn’t borrow it anyway and the bright, loving morning would be besmirched. Shampoo? Well shampoo could just be a cheap shower gel or perhaps he sometimes let his hair grow and so would need it, but underwear, women’s clothes… There would be no denying the meaning of those.
The kitchen was bright and the pine table held plates of bacon sandwiches. Coffee dripped into a pitcher on the machine beside the sink. It was homely and cosy. Pauline was starving, because of course they had eaten very little yesterday. She fell on the food with an enthusiasm that brought a smile to Pete’s face.
“How come you have all this?”
“I keep bread, bacon and so on in the freezer. I never know when I’m going to come here and so I try to keep it stocked.”
“Is this your house then? Your own… not a police house or something?”
“Yes, this is mine. I bought it a few years ago. I needed to know that no matter what, I had a place that was wholly mine and was safe. I needed a home.”
“It’s lovely.”
“Thanks. I have someone come in to keep an eye on things. Marie, from the farm back the way we came in. She thinks I work abroad. It’s safer for her that way.”
“It’s dangerous isn’t it? Your job, what you do?”
“Sometimes it is. Sometimes it’s boring and tedious.”
“How long have you been doing it?”
He leaned across the space between them and laid his hand on hers. “Pauline. I think it’s best, for now at least, if you don’t know too much about what’s going on. Too much about me.”
There it was, the barrier. His life, the things that he did. His past and his future; she wasn’t to be a real part of any of it and now the sandwich stuck in her throat as her heart filled with sadness and reality hit her in the gut.
Chapter 47
He had gone. “Don’t worry, you’re safe here. Don’t go out though. It’s best if you stay in for now.”
With Pete’s final word of warning ringing in her ears she had stood by the window and watched as he drove back down the little lane.
Before he left he had offered to pick up some essentials while he was out. “I’ll be a couple of hours but on the way back I can go to town.” It had been a strange conversation and the memory brought a grin to her face. He stood before her indicating with a sweep of his hand down the length of her body. “What erm, size are you? You know… for underwear and… well I don’t really know what you’d buy.”
“I take size twelve knickers, anything will do, not a thong though.”
“Knickers, right.” He lowered his eyes to hide the laughter, but she saw his shoulders quake and rescued him with a giggle.
“Don’t worry about a bra, I can manage if you don’t mind me washing it through tonight.”
“Shall I look for a t-shirt?”
“Oh would you? Yes, please. A t-shirt and something to sleep in would be great. The knickers, and perhaps some conditioner. My hair feels like straw after the beach.”
“You look fine to me.” He had grinned widely at her then and held out a hand. She walked to him and leaned into his hug. While her face was buried in his chest he had spoken quietly. “Are you okay with what happened? I mean, you know, you don’t regret it?”
“No, no I don’t. It was lovely. I like you a lot Pete.” She lifted her eyes and a glimpse of something in his expression had stopped her there. She knew. Deep down she knew that there was no future for them. He knew it too didn’t he? Well, didn’t he?