If others say, “‘Wife’ is a form that’s used,”142
I’ll say “spouse” without feminine declension.
I find nothing of the feminine in her deportment—
Nay, ’gainst stallions in battle, there’d be no contention!’
“Next the sixth came forward with smiling face and friendly mien and said, ‘Let me pass on, on my husband’s say-so (though he’s an inveterate liar), these verses twain:
My wife watches over me in sickness and in health,
By day and by night, from afar and from nearby.
It’s gotten so that when, dreaming, I hug the phantom of the one I love,
By the doorstep I see her watchful eye.’
3.13.6
“Up walked the seventh, with ample booty armed and countenance charmed, and declared, ‘My libelous husband along the same lines has said, with audacity unprecedented by husband toward the spouse who shares his bed:
My wife’s so jealous of me that,
If she sees me sick, she too falls ill.
She never sees me with a given condition
But she takes a chance on it as well.’
“Then the eighth appeared before me, wantonly strutting, one well equipped to please her husband in his rutting, and said, ‘I heard my husband singing these verses after going two weeks with head bowed looking at the ground, like one who, having first lost an eye, is then given the news that he’s about to die:
My wife would love it dearly
If I had two things quite off-putting—
A what’s-it like a donkey’s when it’s pissing
And a horn like a bull’s when it’s butting.’
3.13.7
“At this the ninth did me invite—lips parting, revealing pearls of shining white—saying, ‘Similar are what my offsprings’ father of me has said—words that to many in this and other lands he’s fed:
Should any, scholar or ignoramus, come to see me,
My wife accosts him and puts him to the test.
Then, should she find he’s an expert lover, she declares,
“All the sciences are gathered in this man’s breast!”’
“The tenth — of well-formed figure and roving eye — now blocked my path, saying, ‘More terrible still is what my husband recites, on the highway and before the hearth:
Should a youth of good morals some day come to see me,
My wife will corrupt him and he’ll depart a profligate,
Or if he’s a doting debauchee already, she’ll feed him
And hover over him, jealous and infatuate.’
3.13.8
“Then the eleventh—willowy and of well-formed presence—called to me and said, ‘My husband — who’s the suspicious kind—accuses me wildly of every thought to cross his mind, saying:
My wife sees men, then hides from their sight
But this owes nothing to any love of what is right.
In fact she fears a cardiac syncopation
Resulting from excessive desire for copulation.’
“Then the twelfth — short and stout, plump and hot—leaned toward me and said: ‘Barrenness and infertility to the likes of my raving husband, since he has cast on women a wholesale blot! He says:
Chastity in women’s no natural trait
But an occasion that to corruption doth persuade.
Like when you pull one tooth to save another
And your regret for the one you lost is plainly displayed!’143
3.13.9
“So I said, ‘No question, I must go to where these poets congregate and make of each an associate. Who knows, perhaps I’ll acquire from them good sense, discover some guidance in their vehemence, for their words are very wise and from seeking them out some clarity may well arise.’ Now it was their custom to hide away, each day, and from after the afternoon prayer till the evening prayer was called, swap tales of this world, and how it turned, especially where women were concerned. I therefore enquired as to their congregation and was directed to their destination, and there I found them all together, a bench by the sea their seat, under an awning set up to protect them from the heat. Having approached their meeting and offered them my greeting, I asked, ‘Will you agree to let one sit with you who feels toward you the ties of affection and has been led by your words to seek you out in hope of direction?’ ‘To the new arrival,’ they replied, ‘we extend a welcome, even if he be no longtime companion!’
3.13.10
“No sooner had I settled in my chair than one burst out, addressing those assembled there, ‘I must finish what I began, its essence and import reveal. As I was saying, for what was this universe created if not women’s weal? Is there a man who hasn’t been the victim of their guile, not suffered to attain their love, not by their impossible demands been put to trial? They are the ones who enjoy the good things of life and its luxuries, its pleasures and its flavor, who its jewelry and gems, curios and curiosities, get to savor. They present us with ideas both practical and quite out of the equation, and task us with things that can lead to decapitation. For each limb they have a specific trinket; sometimes they acquire two or three and still there’s room for more, though you wouldn’t think it.’
3.13.11
“Then he bared his teeth, smiled, and continued with his speech: ‘And on each member of ours are wounds that they’ve inflicted, never to be cured, bite marks to which we’ll ne’er become inured. Master and man alike are, by their love, prostrated, rich man and vagabond, in their need for them, conflated. They cast men into perilous places, confused situations and constricted spaces so that they may provide their womenfolk with a sufficiency of food and copulation144 and award them the opportunities presented by separation—for they sail seas, brave deserts, expose themselves to blade of sword and summer’s heat, winter’s cold and terror from the elite, enemy assault and the breaking of their noses by heavy packs, agonies of thirst and famine, toil and fatigue that break their backs, the humoring of the watchful and competition with the reproachful, to shame a closing of the eyes and final submission to an early demise; and each time a husband returns, he finds the lock on his honor smashed, his secret affairs in every corner splashed, and sees in his place rivals for her favors and customers, intimates and cuckolders.