We sat with our legs crossed. Our hair was neat and pulled back over the ears. We were not allowed to wear jeans more than once a week until we reached high school. We had to wear a dress to school at least once a week. No heels except pumps from Pappagallo, which were primarily for church and, even then, the heels did not exceed 1.5 inches. I was told whores and waitresses chewed gum and only tiny women could wear turtlenecks and ankle straps.
I knew, now that I had been raped, I should try to look good for my parents. Having gained the regulation freshman fifteen meant that my skirt that day fit. I was trying to prove to them and to myself that I was still who I had always been. I was beautiful, if fat. I was smart, if loud. I was good, if ruined.
While I dressed, Tricia, a representative from the Rape Crisis Center, arrived. She passed out pamphlets to my friends and left stacks of them in the front hall of the dorm. If anyone had wondered what all the commotion the night before had been about, now they knew for sure. Tricia was tall and thin with light brown hair that fell about her head in thin and wispy waves. Her approach, a sort of comforting "I'm here for you" stance, was not one I trusted. I had Mary Alice. My mother was coming. I did not appreciate the soft touch of this stranger and I did not want to belong to her club.
I got a two-minute warning that my mother was coming up the stairs. I wanted Tricia to shut up-didn't see how what she was saying could help me with this encounter-and I paced the room, wondering if I should go out and greet my mother in the hall.
"Open the door," I said to Mary Alice. I breathed deeply and stood in the middle of the room. I wanted my mother to know I was all right. Nothing could get to me. I'd been raped but I was fine.
Within seconds, I saw that my mother, who I had expected would collapse, had the kind of fresh energy that was needed to get me through the rest of that day.
"I'm here now," she said. Both of our chins wobbled when we were on the verge of tears, a trait we shared and hated.
I told her about the police, that we had to go back. They needed a formal affidavit and there were mug books to look at. My mother spoke to Tricia and to Cindy, thanked Tree and Diane, and especially Mary Alice, whom she had met previously. I watched as she took over. I let her do it, willingly, for now not questioning its toll on her.
The girls helped my mother pack and bring my things out to the car. Victor helped too. I stayed in the room. The hallway had become a difficult place for me. Doorways there led into rooms where people knew about me.
Before my mother and I took our leave, and as a final way to show her love, Mary Alice worked among the tangles in my hair to make a French braid. It was something she knew how to do that I didn't. Something she had tons of practice with, from having groomed horses whose manes she braided for competition. It hurt while she did it, my scalp was very sore from the rapist yanking and pulling me by my hair, but with each hank of hair she braided in, I tried to gather what energy I had left. I knew before Mary Alice and my mother walked me downstairs and to the car, where Mary Alice hugged me and said good-bye, that I was going to pretend, as best as I could, that I was fine.
We drove downtown to the Public Safety Building. There was this one chore before we could go home.
I looked at mug shots, but I didn't see the man who raped me. At 9:00 A.M. Sergeant Lorenz arrived and the first order of business was to take my affidavit. My body was shutting down now and I was having trouble staying awake. Lorenz led me to the interrogation room, the walls of which were covered with thick carpet. While I told my story, he sat at a desk behind an upright typewriter, typing slowly in a hunt-and-peck style. I was drifting, trying hard to remain alert, but I told him everything. It was Lorenz's job to pare it down to one page for the file and to this effect he would at times bark angrily, "That's inconsequential, just the facts." I took each reprimand for what it was: an awareness that the specificity of my rape did not matter, but only how and if it conformed to an established charge. Rape 1, Sodomy 1, etc. How he twisted my breasts or shoved his fist up inside me, my virginity: inconsequential.
Through my struggle to remain conscious, I took the temperature of this man. He was tired, fatigued, did not like the paperwork side of being a member of the Syracuse PD, and taking an affidavit in a rape case was a crappy way to start his day.
He was also uncomfortable around me. First because I was a rape victim and had facts that would make anyone uncomfortable to hear, but also because I was having trouble staying awake. He squinted hard at me, sizing me up from behind his typewriter.
When I said I did not know a man had to be erect in order to enter me, Lorenz looked over at me.
"Come on, Alice," he said and smiled. "You and I both know that isn't possible."
"I'm sorry," I said, chastened. "I don't know that, I've never had sex with a man before."
He was quiet and then looked down. "I'm not used to virgins in my line of work," he said.
I decided to like Sergeant Lorenz and to think of him as fatherly. He was the first person to whom I had uttered the details of what had happened. I could not fathom that he might not believe me.
On 8 May 811 left my friend's home on 321 Westcott St. at approx 12:00 AM. I proceeded to walk towards my dorm at 305 Waverly Ave by walking through Thorden Park. At approx 12:05 AM while walking on the path past the bathhouse and near the amphitheater I heard someone walking behind me. I started to walk faster and was suddenly overtaken from behind and grabbed around the mouth. This man said "be quiet I'm not going to hurt you, if you do what I say." He loosened up his grip on my mouth and I screamed. He then threw me on the ground and yanks my hair and said "don't ask any questions, I could kill you right now." We were both on the ground and he threatened me with a knife I never saw. He then began to struggle with me and told me to walk over to the area of the amphitheater. While walking I fell down and he became angry, grabbed my hair and pulled me into the amphitheater. He proceeded to undress me until I was left with my bra and panties. I took off my bra and panties, he told me to lie down which I did. He took off his pants and proceeded to have intercourse with me. After he was done he got up and asked me to give him a "blow job." I said that I didn't know what it meant and he said "just suck on it." He then took my head and forced my mouth on his penis. After he was done he told me to lie down on the ground and again had intercourse with me. He fell asleep on me for a short time. He got up and helped me dress and took $9.00 from my back pocket. I was then allowed to leave and went back to Marion Dorm where I notified the University police. I wish to state that the man I encountered in the park is a Negro approx 16-18 years of age, small and muscular build of 150 lbs, wearing dark blue sweatshirt and dark jeans, with short afro-style hair cut. I desire prosecution in the event this individual is caught.
Lorenz handed me the voluntary affidavit to sign.
"It was eight dollars, not nine," I said. "And what about what he did to my breasts and his fist?" I asked. "We fought more than that." All I saw were what I thought of as the errors he had made, the things he had left out or the words he had substituted for what had actually been said.
"All that doesn't matter," he said. "We just need the gist of it. As soon as you sign it, you can go home."
I did. I left for Pennsylvania with my mother.
Early that morning, once my mother had arrived at the dorm, I'd asked her if she had to tell Dad. By that time she already had. He was the first person she called. They debated in that phone call whether to tell my sister just then. She had one more final to take at Perm. But my father needed to tell my sister as much as my mother needed to tell him. He called her in her dorm room in Philadelphia that morning as my mother and I made our way home. Mary would take her last exam knowing I had been raped.