Roger began to court me in earnest. He would leave small gifts for me at the dinner table, or on my pillow - a set of earrings or a bangle, always something pretty and relatively inexpensive. I was acutely aware that although of the gentry, he wasn’t wealthy. He had a small income from invested inheritance, but it amounted to a few hundred pounds a year. We dined together most evenings, and he was always the charming host. He never broke down again, but he was noticeably more cheerful.
Katie had changed too, as we sat in the schoolroom one very wet December day, she stopped reading and came to sit at my feet.
“Jane?”
“Yes dear?”
“Do you remember telling me about the special secret?”
“Of course.”
“I think I know what it is.”
“Oh?”
“It is that giving is so much better than taking.”
I smiled. “How did you find out that?”
“By watching you.”
“Oh?”
“You never take, but you give of yourself all the time. You give to Daddy, you give to me, and you even give to Aunt Maud. You never take, yet everyone loves you and gives you back whatever you need, but you never have to ask for.”
I smiled. “Well done! You see, it is so much easier to give, so everyone naturally responds in kind. The real secret is love. If you give in love, then so you shall receive, but you are right, it starts with giving. You are no longer a selfish little girl who wants to take all the time. You have found the joy of giving, and does it make you feel better?”
“Oh yes. I am much happier. I can see why those other governesses hated me so.”
“I am glad, but they didn’t hate you. I just think they were frustrated because you were hurting, yet they could not seem to be able to help you. Because you are a lovely girl, and I do love you,” I said.
“Are you going to marry Daddy?” she asked out of the blue. I flushed slightly and smiled.
“He hasn’t asked me,” I said.
“If he did, would you?”
“I don’t know. Do you think I should?”
“It is up to you. He loves you, I think.”
“What makes you think that?”
“When you are in a room, he looks at you with a soppy smile on his face. Whenever you say anything, he laughs or smiles. You have changed his life too.”
“I am glad, no one should be sad.”
“Do you love him?”
I looked at this little girl, who was suddenly so wise.
“What do you think?” I asked.
“I think you do. You see, I have watched you too. And whenever he walks into the room you look at him and wait for his eyes to meet yours, and then you both smile the same secret little smile.”
So much for being a child.
“I think then, I just might,” I said, and she grinned at me.
“I should like you as my mama,” she said, returning to her desk, where she continued to read.
My mind was in a whirl. I had a job to do, and yet I had to survive, to establish a secure and safe cover. I thought of Roger, and smiled, as his smile would warm my heart. I was in danger of forgetting why I was here. It was just so wonderful being Jane. Even if I’d sell my soul for a Jacuzzi.
I spent most days scouring the newspapers for any signs of strange activities. I had no real idea what I was looking for, and my training had been vague. “You will know it when you see it,” they had said. But with Roger becoming more obvious in his affection for me, this was a complication I had not bargained on; certainly not so early in my mission.
We had studiously avoided close intimate contact since that first evening, as it was not proper for us, despite our personal feelings regarding the mores of society. The last thing either of us wanted was any scandal.
He had gone to London on business a few days ago, leaving me in charge of the household. Groves and I understood each other, so we treated each other with respect. He believed that I was going to marry the Major, so therefore he saw me as the future Mrs De Lambert, and his employer. I recognised his loyalty and understood that his responsibility would never be usurped.
The nurse, Miss Riggs, was a pleasant, if rather a dim woman, but little William was devoted to her, and she to him. He was a bright boy. I would spend time with him, so he knew that whenever I was there, he would get some fun, either a piggyback ride, or a funny song.
I constantly amazed myself, as I was Jane, there was nothing in my personality or character that was Edward Ryan, yet I knew that my old skills and training lay beneath the surface. It was my body that gave me the most pleasure. Not a day went past that I did not awaken with the most enormous grin, as I touched myself, revelling in my glorious femininity - my smooth limbs, my full breasts and that jewel of my gender, that luxurious cleft that nestled between my legs. I yearned for Roger to make me complete.
Every night, I quietly hoped he would come to my room and make me his. However, every night, I would be disappointed, and resort to pleasuring myself by hand, whilst imagining what he would do to me.
The hardest thing I had to deal with was the lack of basic facilities that I had always taken for granted. A hot bath was a major operation, with vast amounts of hot water being heated and carried in jugs to the bathroom. I became used to washing with only a small amount of water every day. I would kill for a hot shower.
So much so that on a visit to Abingdon one day, I visited the blacksmith and commissioned him to make me certain pipes and cylinders. I was aware that certain modern conveniences were in the future, but I was adamant that the least I could do would be to make a working shower.
I spent much of my spare time working on my wardrobe. I was reluctant to spend my carefully saved money, and so I worked on Marjorie’s old clothes, altering many fine dresses and outfits. I had to visit the cobblers, to have three pairs of boots made. One for riding, as mentioned, and two for walking and everyday wear. I also bought a few pairs of high-heeled shoes, just in case I had occasion to be elegant.
I made up my own make up box, with mascara brushes and pencils, lipstick and the like. I made some decent eye shadow, and on another visit to Abingdon, had my ears pierced so I could wear some pretty earrings that Roger gave me.
My long golden blonde hair, I wore up, only letting down at night. I slept in the nude, enjoying the feel of the linen sheets on my skin. About four weeks after my arrival, I felt rotten, guessing correctly that I was about to bleed. I cursed the fact that tampons were a few hundred years in the future, as I struggled with the towels. Luckily, my efficient body was not a heavy bleeder, so after a couple of days, I virtually stopped. I wondered about my fertility, or lack of it. In a way, I should like to experience pregnancy and childbirth.
Roger returned from London in a very good mood. After the children were in bed, he once more asked me to dine with him. I accepted, feeling quite excited.
We had a very nice roast duck and, as usual, my place was set to his right, to save me moving.
He told me two things that excited him; one was that his business deal had been successful, so he was now a part owner of a new industry, a canning factory.
“It is quite wonderful. You can take some fruit or vegetable, place it in a can, seal the metal lid on, and it lasts for a very long time. Think of the ramifications for the military, and for expeditions across Africa.”
“How clever, and how clever of you to think of investing in it,” I said.
He smiled.
“My brother was supposed to be the clever one, whilst I am the clod of a soldier. Now look at us, he is fighting and I am in commerce.”