I offer her a simple smile. “Not exactly. He had to get home early. Big day...”
She curiously ask, “Something important happening?”
“A funeral,” the word hurts almost as much as the other.
I know I'm not the one putting the nails in his coffin but God, every time I say it, I feel like it's me.
“Oh no,” she instantly squeaks. “I'm so sorry for his loss. Someone close to him?”
“Cousin,” I answer and immediately realize how I'm not doing them justice. “His best friend.”
Nadie's jaw drops and she's barely able to say, “I'm so sorry, Jovi.”
I whisper, “Me too.”
“You knew him then?”
“Yeah. He was...” Ben's cocky smiling face pops in my head and I feel tears trying to seal my throat closed. Struggling through it I finish with, “One of a kind.”
Her face tightens before she embraces me. For just a moment, I let my guard down and give up the tears I didn't want Merrick to see.
He needed me to be strong, so I was. Doesn't mean that it didn't hurt. Doesn't mean I'm not sad. Doesn't mean I'm not gonna miss Ben. You're gonna miss him too aren't you?
She lets me fall apart in her arms for a few moments, no words needing to be spoken. I softly sob knowing I need to get it all out now. Hayli's going to need me to support her. Merrick's going to need it even more. Holding both of them up is what matters most. What should come first. I know I need a minute too. I guess I'll just take this one.
When my tears finally subside, Nadie offers to make me breakfast to allow more grieving to occur. The two of us relocate to the kitchen where I flop down in one of the chairs at the table. Trying to shake away the dazed feeling, I pull my legs underneath me in the seat. Through the process of grabbing pans, Nadie attempts to pry, but at the same time tries not to cross any lines.
Should it matter now if I confess everything? Ben's gone. I'll be married to Merrick in a couple days. Why not just let it all out? What's the big risk now?
Still cautious as if a court reporter is going to read back my answers to me to be used in sentencing, I slowly give more details than I have in the past about my relationship with Merrick. Just as I open my mouth to answer one of the questions I had been avoiding before now, my father storms around the corner.
Right. That's why.
“Good morning, Nick,” Nadie warmly greets him.
He tugs at his tie. “Is it?”
“You're alive aren't you?”
Her words hit me square in the chest like she intended. I slump over again.
Suspiciously he looks at her. “Why would you use that phrase this morning? This morning in particular.”
“What's this morning?”
“The morning after one of those street racing thugs we've been fighting against died.”
Hearing him talk about Ben so carelessly causes my eyes to shut.
I know. I know. I gotta keep it together.
Nadie doesn't reply at first. Instead all I hear is the soft sizzle of bacon. After what feels like a life time passes, she questions, “Which one?”
“Ben McCoy.” His name isn't what pops my eyes back open. It's Nadie's gasp. She's a smart woman and by the look of shock on her face, she's put the entire puzzle together.
I was leading the conversation that direction...
Dad turns his attention to me. “Remember, I told you and Hayli to stay away from him?”
A sharp breath comes out of me, but I don't answer.
I can't. I can't keep this up.
“Another reason why. Dead at 23 from reckless driving.” He shakes his head. “I should be grateful with one less of his kind off the road but-”
Unconsciously I snap, “Don't talk about him like that.”
My father slowly approaches me, his full attention now on me.
Not well done, Jovi. Not well done at all. Why didn't you stop me?
“Excuse me?”
“Maybe we should just have breakfast,” Nadie speaks up loudly. “Bacon's ready. Waffles are warm.”
He doesn't fall for her distraction tactics. “What did you say to me, Jo'?”
I meekly repeat myself, “Don't talk about him like that.” Shaking my head I fight more tears. “You didn't know him.”
“You didn't either.”
Mindlessly I confess, “I did.”
His voice booms, “What?”
With a shrug I answer, “I did. I knew him and as much as it kills you to know that, it should kill you more to know you're not right about him.”
He scoffs, “Not right about him? I've got stacks of police reports about him!”
“There's more to a person than paperwork, dad!”
“Are you yelling at me?”
“Are you listening to me?” I shout again. “Ben McCoy was a friend.”
“Friend? Did you really just say he was a friend?”
“Yes. A friend. I know you didn't approve of him.”
“I told you to stay away from him!”
“And I didn't listen.” I do my best to ignore the sting of betrayal in his eyes. “I don't give a shit how unhappy that makes you or however it is you wanna punish me for it, but the least you can do right now is just give a fuck that he mattered to me and stop being so fucking careless about the way you're talking about him! He wasn't just a case! He was a person! He was important! He mattered!”
My father's mouth drops open, but he doesn't argue.
Oh I could've handled that better. I didn't have to yell and cuss at him. What's wrong with me?
“Can we just eat?” Nadie softly suggests bringing food to the table. “I think it would be better to talk about all this on a full stomach.”
In a soft whisper I declare, “I'm not hungry.”
“You have to eat something. A funeral on an empty stomach is not a good idea.”
“Funeral?” He sharply snaps. His eyes shift to Nadie. “You knew she was friends with him? You knew and didn't tell me?”
Nadie defends herself, “Not until this morning-”
I stand up. “It wasn't her business any more than it was yours.”
“N-n-n-ot my business,” he stutters. “Not my business?”
“No. It wasn't.”
“Who my daughter associates with is my business!”
“Maybe if I was still that twelve year old girl who had to answer to you for my every move, but not now.”
Who would've thought all it would take was death to encourage me to stand my ground with him.
“It doesn't matter if you're 12 or 21 or 41! I am your father Jovi. Who you surround yourself is my business!”
“I'm not in a prison cell. You're not the warden. It's only your business if I make it.”
He bellows, “What has gotten into you!”
“I can't have this fight right now.” A sigh escapes me. “Not today. Not before his funeral. I don't have the strength for it.”
“You think you're going to his funeral?”
Nadie tries to reel him in, “Nick-”
“Don't you Nick me!” He turns to snap at her. “We will discuss why you think it's alright to withhold information about my daughter for me shortly.” When he whips back around he states, “You're not going to that funeral.”
I correct him before I head out of the room, “I am going to his funeral. No matter what you say.”
“We aren't finished Jovi Reese,” his voice rises.
Turning around abruptly, I toss my hands in the air. “We are for now.”
Those are my final words even though he continues yelling.
Not sure if it's at me or Nadie. It doesn't matter. I'm not listening. I don't have to. Not anymore. Things are about to change. I know they have too. But I don't have to deal with those changes right now. Not today. Especially not before they put my future husband's best friend, what would have been one of my in-laws, into the ground.