I should be in that hole.
Finally he stops digging and looks to Drew, who is holding a vintage motor oil can.
“Keep dad and Uncle D good company. If they offer you a beer… take it.”
Drew faintly smiles, gives the can a double tap, clears his throat and passes the can to the right.
Now in Daniel's grip he says, “Never forget it was me who taught you how to get a chick's number and how to give them a reason to always wanna come back. Keep the McCoy name strong. Even now kid.”
After a double tap he passes it to Destin. “I hated tracking you on GPS. It's right on red only. Not left or right.”
Ben never understood that.
“Maybe you'll drive better with Dad on your ass instead of me.”
Destin double taps it and offers it for me to take.
I can't. I don't think I can...
Jovi gives me a tight squeeze of encouragement. I take the can. It wobbles in my grip. Quivers in my clutches.
I can't do this. I can't say...no. I can't say goodbye.
Shaking my head, I look down at my girl who's looking up at me with support. Strength. Fearlessness. Most importantly, with love I could never live without. I look down at the can in my grip and breathlessly announce, “Cuz...You were a dick to me in your final days.”
He was.
“But that's how we are when we feel threatened. We fight back. Always fight back, Ben.”
Lightly I tap it twice and hand it to Jovi who I'm expecting to panic. I prepare to tell her she can just pass it on, when she bravely speaks up.
“You taught me that family comes in many forms. Thank you.” With a double tap she passes it to Hayli and holds onto me tighter.
“Any time I hear Proud Mary by Tina Turner, I'll sing a little louder for you.”
That's fucking weird. Jovi's right. They had a really fucking weird friendship.
Shelby holds the can and looks down at with a soft smile. “I'll miss your name on the board.”
She gives her double tap, leans her head on Vinnie's arm, and hands it to him. “Ride hard. Ride fast. In everything.”
He repeats the action and passes it to Krissy. With a scolding expression, she looks at the can in her hands. “Your eyes were always wandering. Maybe you'll find them a home now.”
Ben didn't want one of anything. He's was always after anything he could have. That was a curse much more than a blessing if you ask me.
Krissy kisses the top of the can, double taps it and hands it Aunt Kelli who's wearing the same dress she did when Uncle D and Dad died.
I hate that dress. You're right. I probably don't hate it as much as she does. Or us. I imagine she hates us for letting this happen to him. I don't blame my brothers though. I blame myself. I should've protected him more. Been a better wing man. Went out with him that night and made sure his ass came home instead of...wherever it was he wandered to.
“Kiss your father for me,” she states softly and taps the can.
With the can now in her hands, Knox lets out a sigh at the same time a tear drops onto the top. “You never failed to try to give me gray hairs. You know damn well I don't look good like that. Try not to give others the same trouble you gave me.”
She sniffles, double taps the can, and hands it to Madden.
You know, I don't remember much about when we buried dad and Uncle D, just a few things. Aunt Kelli's black dress that looks like someone had dipped a wedding gown in licorice. The leaves were crispy brown. There had been a cold front that required me to wear one of Triple D's hand me down jackets. And I remember the look on Madden's face. The same one he has now. A permanent hollowness. Except this time I won't just remember it. I'll always feel it.
Madden sniffles once and says, “I failed them. I failed you. For that...I'm sorry.”
Unconsciously my body stiffens so harshly my lungs constrict to the point of suffocation.
I should suffocate. That would be fair. That would be what I fucking deserve.
My oldest brother double taps the can, gently places it in the hole, and tosses dirt on top of it. In silence we watch as he evenly spreads it, burying what is left of my best fucking friend. My partner in crime. The reason I shouted I was a McCoy from rooftops. Steadily tears fall from my eyes as my body trembles in the stillness.
No more crazy Ben. No more wild nights and ways. No more...best friend to look over my shoulder for me. What the fuck am I supposed to do? What the fuck is left for me now?
After a few more moments of silence, Aunt Kelli announces, “There's beer in the fridge. Liquor in the cabinet. Knox ordered pizza and there are cookies on the stove. Please...help your selves. Enjoy. Celebrate what was my son...the man he grew into and the man he wanted to become.”
She starts to head towards the house, which is when Madden makes a gesture to help her. Immediately she moves her body away from his not allowing contact to be made.
Fuck. That hurt to watch.
Knox makes a move for Madden and he brushes her off almost identically to the way Aunt Kelli did him.
What the fuck is wrong with my family? Why can't they just let each other be there when they really fucking need it? Fuck. Ben wasn't any different! He didn't let us help when he needed it most! He wasn't there to support me when I needed it! Changing my life for Jovi! Moving onto better, safer things! That would have been the time for support! Fuck! I hate this fucking family!
Jovi gives my side a gentle stroke causing my attention to drop down to her. Each rub eases some of the turmoil that's tumbling around inside.
This is the family I need. Her. That's all I really need, right?
I toss my head the direction of the house and she takes the hint to start walking. For some reason Hayli lingers behind, which is fine by me. I could use the moment alone to just breathe my girl in.
As we head back for the house she whispers, “Can I ask you something?”
“Anything.”
“Why'd we double tap the can?”
There's a brief tug at the corners of my lips. “It's an old McCoy tale. One of my grandfather's tapped the door of the car that he drove his son home in. One time for safe passage into this world and when he died his son tapped his casket twice for safe passage out. Tradition stuck.”
“You really are just an amazing family, you know that?”
The compliment makes me want to smile, but I can't. I don't deserve to.
They're an amazing family. Strength of the Greek Gods. Loyalty of a million warriors. Remarkable honor even among thieves....then there's me. Fucking me. I'm a piece of shit. First to betray them. First to want to escape. First one ready to cut and leave them without looking back. How the fuck can I do that to them? Stop. Okay? Just stop. I fucking hear you. I know I love Jovi. I wouldn't give her up for the fucking world, but do I have to give them up for her? Can I not live in some sort of fucking balance? I can't do this with you right now. I can't...just...fucking give me some space please.
Jovi
I don't think anyone handles death well. I'm not even sure there's a good way to handle death. I know there's the whole five stages thing, but in reality, I don't know...even that doesn't sound healthy.