Khan Sahib liked Khalifa’s tantalizing conversations more than his food. He said, ‘When the speaker and the listener both know that everything’s a lie, then there’s no harm in it.’ He encouraged Khalifa’s bragging. Every second or third day, Khalifa massaged Khan Sahib’s soles with almond oil. Khalifa used to say that it refreshed the mind. One day suddenly Khan Sahib thought of something. He said, ‘Are you saying that my brain is in the soles of my feet?’ But Khalifa had been right because after a couple of minutes he was snoring with his revolver tucked beneath his pillow. Every so often, he would startle awake, his snoring would modulate to another key, and then he would fall fast asleep again. One day he was snoring in his upper register and Khalifa was massaging his feet, when, who knows how, but Khalifa’s hand reached into his waistcoat’s pocket. Without opening his eyes, Khan Sahib said, ‘Hey, now, my cash is in my jacket pocket!’
In fact, Khalifa had got on Khan Sahib’s good side. Attendant, courtier, chillum filler, storyteller, chief cook, personal assistant, guide, informer, counsellor — he was everything to him. For three days or so they were locked in some intimate conversations. On some excuse or another, Khalifa came every evening to Basharat’s. Basharat’s wife kept saying that these visits weren’t free of subterfuge and potential danger.
The Easy Way to Recognize a Man-eating Lion
One day, as soon as he woke up, Khan Sahib proposed to Basharat that he deduct the price of the vehicle that had been standing idle for so long from the amount that he was owed and then give the vehicle to him. Basharat said, ‘Your wood wasn’t worth a penny more than 7,000, and the vehicle, with its new body and new parts, isn’t worth anything less than 9,000. Moreover, the British officer who had used to ride around in it was in line to be knighted.’ Khan Sahib replied, ‘At the very most, this vehicle’s worth 5,000, whereas my wood was worth 9,000. You’ve added to the car’s price the cost of gas, tire repairs, Khalifa’s salary, and his wife’s bride price.’ After a lot of back and forth, after a lot of haggling, the amount that Khan Sahib was demanding was fixed at what it had first been, meaning 2,513 rupees, 9 annas, and 3 paisas. But now Khan Sahib wanted the vehicle and not the money.
‘Khan Sahib, are you doing business or bartering?’
‘What’s that?’
‘It’s what you’re doing.’
‘There’s a real bad word in Pashto for that.’
When he referred to Pashto, no one had the courage to ask what he really meant. He often said, ‘Pashto isn’t a language for pleading and lamenting. It’s the language of real men.’ He meant that it was the language to be used to spread your news far and wide, or if you want to go into a sleeping lion’s den, pull on its whiskers, and engage it in dialogue. Back then Mirza used to say that Khan Sahib was one of those men who wasn’t content to pull on the lion’s whiskers but he also wanted to stick his head into its mouth to conduct the scholarly research into whether lions were vegetarians or man-eaters!
Arranged Marriages, Tribal Style
For Khan Sahib’s ease of understanding, Basharat used the phrase ‘exchange of goods and services’ instead of ‘barter.’ Then he explained what he meant. After the long explanation, Khan Sahib said, ‘Yaraji! Why don’t you just call it an arranged marriage in which both parties think they’ve got the short end of the stick!’
This clumsy example had in it an irrefutable logic. They used this to seal the deal. Khan Sahib was very happy, even proud, to announce that he was ready for an ‘exchange of goods and services.’ Each congratulated the other, and they hugged like the sad folks whose sister’s husband is also their wife’s brother.
Basharat was secretly happy to get rid of the ramshackle vehicle for 7,000, and Khan Sahib was even happier to get a car worth 9,000 in exchange for a load of horrible wood. Each party considered the outcome a victory for truth, while if you ask me, I would say that lies defeated lies, and trash was exchanged for trash. Khan Sahib began to caress the car. He said, ‘I’ll take it on a drive through Torkham and Landi Kotal. I’ll park it in the shade of walnut trees. In Kabul, I’ll load it with karakul hats, carpets, and pine nuts and then drive it home. On my honour, I swear that one pine nut from the northern reaches of Kabul has the power of ten wedding dates!’
As soon as the matter was resolved, Khan Sahib threw off his newly acquired Lucknavi Urdu and Kanpuri accent. After defeating his eloquent enemy, he had no need for camouflage.
Since for Khan Sahib there was no better means of transport than a black stallion not only in this world but also on the Sirat Bridge leading to heaven and hell, he started calling his new car a black stallion as well.
The History of Balushahi Donuts
Basharat secretly offered two prayers of thanks, but Khan Sahib couldn’t keep a lid on his happiness. Having received divine intervention, he had defeated Basharat, and now he was itching to do a victory lap around his house. From Basharat’s shop on Harchandrai Road, he looked out greedily at all the horses pulling carts. It was the moment for riding dressage21 around his enemy’s house. When he couldn’t control himself, he patted his black stallion’s thigh — that is, the car’s mudguards. He put his hand on its snout and praised it. He wanted to feed it grass and currycomb it. When a horse-drawn cart pulled up in front of Spencer Eye Hospital and the driver unyoked his horse, Khan Sahib raced over, leapt on the horse’s back, and rode in circles around Basharat’s shop two times. Then he asked none other than Basharat to give him a jug of cold water, which he poured over his own head, and then ordered seven kilos of balushahi donuts and distributed them to everyone. Khan Sahib set aside donuts for three of Basharat’s relatives and went to deliver them himself. Basharat couldn’t believe it. It was too much to take. Even in his most distrustful state of mind, he would never have imagined that the three men would turn out to be such crafty hypocrites that they would secretly join forces with Khan Sahib. Anyway, it was the first example in the history of the exposure of hypocrisy through donuts. I mean, it was the first time in the history of donuts.