I look over at Devon’s chest. The air from the heat pump is making the sheet lift up just a bit. Then it stops dead. I look back at the Bambi video and put it back on the shelf because it’s giving me a recess feeling in my stomach and I don’t know why.
CHAPTER 9
NO RUNNING. WALKING.
WHEN I GO TO MRS. BROOK TIME she says to go get my coat because we’re switching our schedule.
Today?
She nods. And for the rest of the year. She shuts her door and her shoes start squeaking across the floor toward the coat hooks outside my classroom.
Why? I don’t like switching things. It’s always recess first — yuck — then Mrs. Brook time. Her shoes keep squeaking down the hall so I have to walk-run to catch up with her because there’s No Running In The Halls. What’s the schedule going to be now?
We’re going to have our time together while we walk around the playground during your regular recess. Then you can stay outside and have recess with the kindergarten through second graders.
I Look At The Person. Two recesses? I don’t even like one recess.
But the little kids are very sweet and I’ll be with you for recess with the older kids because sometimes they can be… She presses her lips together. I think it’s a mad face. A little rough.
I think about Josh. And I wonder why a grown-up wants to go to recess at all. Okay. But don’t even try getting on the monkey bars. It’s too dangerous.
Mrs. Brook smiles. I promise you I’ll avoid the monkey bars.
I take my jacket from the hook and put it on as Mrs. Brook pushes the bar on the door to the playground and it clanks open. The brightness outside hurts my eyes and the wind makes them water and the screaming on the playground stabs my ears. I suck my sleeve and walk fast to try to get away from it even though it follows me everywhere.
Caitlin! What are you doing so far ahead of me?
I’m walking. And you’re slow.
Usually when two people go for a walk together, Mrs. Brook says, they actually walk together.
Oh, I say, and keep walking.
Caitlin! Walk back to me. Please.
So I walk backward to her and stop. Now what?
Let’s walk next to each other. That’s what going for a walk together means. She puts her right foot out first then her left.
I do the exact same thing.
You don’t need to stare at my feet, she says. And you don’t need to match my exact stride or use your left foot when I use mine.
Then how is that walking together? I ask.
We’re going to keep pace with each other because we’re talking to each other while we walk. Sometimes we’ll make eye contact too. That lets the other person know that we’re listening and interested.
What if we’re not interested?
She Looks At The Person and she opens her eyes wide and she speaks slowly. We’re going to act like we’re interested. Okay? We’ll use this time to observe people and maybe talk to them. We really need to work hard on making friends.
Why? I ask. Don’t you have any? Recess isn’t the best place to make friends.
I want to work on friendships for YOU. You’ll be going to the middle school soon and I want you to have some friends there.
Middle school is sixth grade, I remind her. That’s next year.
Actually you only have a few months left in elementary school. Sixth grade starts in August.
She’s right. Why does everyone say next year? It’s not next year. It’s this year. I suck on my sleeve some more even though I know Mrs. Brook doesn’t like me to.
There’ll be more group projects in middle school so you’ll have to learn to Deal With That. Having friends will help.
Can’t I Deal With It by being my own group?
Mrs. Brook shakes her head. This means no.
I keep sucking my sleeve.
Caitlin. Why don’t you try clasping your hands together or putting your hands in your pockets and squeezing them into fists or one of the other things we’ve talked about instead of sucking your sleeve?
I stop sucking my sleeve but I’ll go back to it later when she forgets because I’m persistent.
She nods at kids on the playground and tells me what they’re doing and how they’re feeling but I don’t know how she can tell. I don’t even know which kids she’s talking about. They all move around too fast. When she mentions the boy in the purple hooded sweatshirt I try to keep up with him and I wish I had a purple sweatshirt like that because purple is my favorite color and I think I might like a hood and it’s fun to watch the flying purple when he runs really fast.
Caitlin!
What?
You’re far ahead of me again. We’re supposed to be keeping pace with each other so we can talk.
Oh. I thought you were done talking.
Look in my eyes while we walk and talk. That will help you keep pace.
I keep switching my eyes away to give them a break but she keeps catching me.
Finally she says, There. That’s much better.
Except that my eyes hurt and my neck is stiff. How is that better?
When the bell rings Mrs. Brook tells me I have twenty minutes of recess with the little kids and then I have to go back to my classroom like they do. If you have any trouble go see one of the teachers.
Inside?
No. There are always at least three teachers on recess duty out here.
Really? I never see any teachers outside at big kid recess.
We always have several outside but they’re kept quite busy because there are a lot of kids on the playground at the same time.
I know. Too many. It’s way too loud.
CHAPTER 10
MICHAEL AND MANNERS
IT’S LOUD AT LITTLE KID RECESS too but I like these kids much better. They don’t hurt as much when they run into you. They’re my size or smaller. I look around and smile.
I see a little boy in a red baseball cap that reminds me of Devon’s red Potomac Nationals baseball cap. And I remember seeing that boy at the memorial service for Devon because I remember that cap. He was sitting hunched over on a pew just the way he’s sitting hunched over on a bench right now. I wonder why he’s sitting like that. There’s no teacher next to him so I don’t think he’s in trouble. He’s rubbing his eyes so he’s either sleepy or sad. I think those are the only two things it could be.
I walk closer to see if I can figure out which it is. He looks up when I’m near and I can see his reddish wet face.
Are you sad?
He nods.
Why?
He doesn’t say anything.
I look around for Josh but then remember that he’s not out at this recess. Is someone else being mean to you?