Suddenly I was getting to be a little tired of Mary Foxe.
“Drop it,” I said to her. “Just be quiet. In fact — you can’t speak. You’ve just lost your voice, Mary. You’re real hoarse today.” And I closed her voice up in my hand.
Mary’s lips shaped words, a fast and furious stream of them, but none of them sounded. She clasped her throat, horrified. She’d been forgetting who was boss.
Undo this, she mimed, furiously.
In time, I mimed back.
But the damage was done. I’d addressed her too loudly; Daphne and Pizarsky had heard me, and they’d stopped talking. I couldn’t stay where I was a second longer. I strode round the corner and stepped up onto the porch, car key dangling from my hand. “Hi, there, D. Afternoon, Pizarsky. Thanks for bringing her home. Had a nice time at—?”
“The Wainwrights’,” they supplied quickly. Oh, sure. The Wainwrights’.
Daphne got up and went into the house without kissing Pizarsky good-bye. It bugged me that she didn’t kiss him good-bye, as if now even a simple kiss on the cheek could mean something between them. Pizarsky’s leave-taking was good, quiet, neither hurried nor labored — good in that I didn’t really even have to say anything to him, or look his way. I thought that if our eyes met I’d have to take a swing at him.
Daphne went upstairs but not into our room. She went into one of the spare bedrooms and put her flowers on the bedside table. I followed her in; the predominant smell was mothballs. We haven’t had an overnight guest for a long time.
“Hi,” I said.
“Hi,” Daphne said. She fluffed the pillows, pushed all the blankets onto the floor, and jumped onto the bed.
“Like the flowers?” She flung out an arm in their direction.
“They’re okay,” I said.
“First prize for this afternoon’s croquet. Pizarsky won them, but he doesn’t care about flowers, so he let me have them.”
“Good of him.”
“I’m hot,” she said. “Could you bring me some ice?”
“Just ice?”
“Just ice. .”
“What are you going to do with it?”
“Look at it. Feel cool. God, St. John. Does it matter what I do with the ice?”
“I’ll get it in a second. What’s going on? Why are you taking a nap in here? Don’t you like your bed anymore?”
“Oh — don’t let’s fight,” she said. My right hand was still closed up tight, to keep Mary quiet, and Daphne looked at that hand for a couple of seconds, then at my face. I guess she thought I was making a fist at her.
I wanted to ask her if she meant to spend the night here as well, but I didn’t want her to say yes. It could be that she was in some kind of mood and just wanted a nap and my question might force her to adopt a stance. She does that, I’ve noticed; she lashes out when she thinks she’s been given a cue.
“Is it okay if I host a luncheon for some underprivileged inner-city girls next Wednesday? Not too many, five or so.”
“Fine by me. Got your underprivileged inner-city-girl bait? Want me to drive you down to the city so you can catch them?”
“Be serious. I want to join Bea Wainwright’s Culture Club, and the luncheon is kind of an audition for me.”
“That’s fine. Just don’t let them into my study. I mean it — that’s off-limits.”
“Of course.”
She stood up before I could go and get that ice she’d asked for. “I’ll get it myself, okay?” She went up on her tiptoes and kissed my forehead. Quite sadly, I thought.
On my study desk I found a brand-new notebook open on my desk, neatly placed in the centre. There was a list written on the first page. I looked at the list for a minute or two. Points in favour of “D.” and “M.” It was almost my handwriting, so close that for a second it seemed to me that I’d made the list and forgotten about it. But I hadn’t written it. These weren’t even thoughts I recognised.
So Mary was writing things down now.
I looked up and she was laughing. Soundlessly, of course. She was even more appealing as a mute. Like an image my eye was chasing through one of those flip books — she wasn’t moving, I was. I beckoned her.
“You wrote this,” I said. Mary came closer, gesturing helplessly towards her mouth.
“Just nod or shake your head,” I said. “You wrote this, didn’t you?”
She folded her arms.
“Did Daphne see this?”
No visible response. I closed the notebook and laid my fist on top of it. It was starting to ache, vaguely, but with a throbbing that promised to get stronger.
“This is childish, Mary. Don’t do anything like this again.”
She curtseyed wickedly, and left me.
I tore the list out of the notebook and ripped it to shreds — I needed both hands for that. Even if Daphne had found the list and taken any notice of it, she must know that I couldn’t write a thing like this in earnest and leave it somewhere she’d find it. But Daphne knew something, or thought she knew something. That tiny kiss on my forehead — why had she given me that? It stayed with me unbearably, like ashes at the start of Lent, the slap on the hand I got whenever I went to brush them away as a kid.
I must have been twenty-five years old when I realised Christ never came back from the dead. Some people would say it wasn’t a big deal, it was just that I wised up. But I’m talking about something I’d always believed until then. I damn near knocked myself flat with these new thoughts. I mean, the resurrection could be true — it could be, I wasn’t there, so I can’t say for sure. But it probably isn’t true. So that means Christ was killed and that was the end for him. He’d gotten mixed up with some pretty intense people in his lifetime, though, and those people thought he was too important to let go. And they made themselves important with this idea that their friend couldn’t be killed, told everyone all about it. And hundreds died because they believed Christ couldn’t be killed, and thousands more suffered, I mean, the martyrs, think of all the martyrs, and — I was walking down a street in Salzburg, eating an apple, when these thoughts came to me, and I just kept right on chewing and swallowing, chewing and swallowing, since it was something to do.
Love. I’m not capable of it, can’t even approach it from the side, let alone head-on. Nor am I alone in this — everyone is like this, the liars. Singing songs and painting pictures and telling each other stories about love and its mysteries and its marvelous properties, myths to keep morale up — maybe one day it’ll materialize. But I can say it ten times a day, a hundred times, “I love you,” to anyone and anything, to a woman, to a pair of pruning shears. I’ve said it without meaning it at all, taken love’s name in vain and gone dismally unpunished. Love will never be real, or if it is, it has no power. No power. There’s only covetousness, and if what we covet can’t be won with gentle words — and often it can’t — then there is force. Those boys at the bar downtown, coming round talking idly about more ideas to die for. Something terrible’s coming, and everyone in the world is working to bring it on. They won’t rest until they’ve brought it on. Mary, come back — distract me. No, stay away, you’re the problem.
31 RULES FOR LOVERS (CIRCA 1186)[1]
From The Art of Courtly Love by Andreas Cappelanus
1. Marriage is no real excuse for not loving.
2. He who is not jealous cannot love.
3. No one can be bound by a double love.
4. It is well known that love is always increasing or decreasing.
5. That which a lover takes against the will of his beloved has no relish.
1
Rules of particular interest to Daphne Fox, Mary Foxe, and St. John Fox have been highlighted by those persons in the order mentioned.