"Ow, shit, I just bit my-"
"Shut up. Here he comes. Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!," squealed Shoniqua. "Lupe, you ready to get out of here, I've got a jammin' party for us to go to," she said with more enthusiasm than a QVC representative after a six-pack of Red Bull.
One of Shoniqua's friends was releasing his new hip-hop album and we were scheduled to attend the party. Ordinarily, it would have been fun, but I definitely wasn't going to let Lupe see me dancing next to black people.
"Why don't we stop by the hotel and freshen up?" I said, giving her the "pay attention" stare.
"Okay, okay, sure," she said, catching on.
We got the check and Lupe offered to put in some money, but I wouldn't think of it, considering what I had in store for him. "You can pay for me too, bitch," Shoniqua said. I'd have had to be Helen Keller not to have seen that one coming.
As we stood up to leave, Shoniqua whispered to me, "It's taken care of, you're gettin' it, and I'm going to the party without you."
"Fine," I said. "Just pretend you're coming back to the room to get us, so it doesn't seem so obvious." I always assumed anyone with an accent was automatically slow on the uptake, when in actuality the only one a few pom-poms short of a pep rally was me.
The three of us climbed into a cab, with Lupe in the middle. I turned and said, "I think you're really gonna love America."
"Copy that," Shoniqua said.
"Two such beautiful women, I am very lucky," Lupe said.
"Well, Lupe, that's just how we fuckin' roll,'" Shoniqua said.
When we got back to the hotel, we bid adieu to Shoniqua and I asked Lupe to come up with me to my room. Once inside the elevator, he said, "We are not going to the party right away, are we?"
"We're actually not going to the party at all," I replied.
He had a big smile on his face and I was glad he was happy with this decision. "I was hoping to get some time alone with you, to talk," he said, gazing at me with his big bedroom eyes. "You were very quiet at dinner. But you have beautiful smile…" He hesitated. It seemed as if he was searching for the right words to say. I didn't have all night, so I made my first move.
We were making out in the elevator and it was hot-just like in the movies. And it was a pretty nice elevator too. I had never had sex in an elevator, and this seemed like the perfect opportunity.
"Do you have a condom?" I whispered in between kisses.
"A who?" he asked.
"A condom… protection."
"Oh," he said, "no, no, no, I do not own condom."
This was very cute to me.
"It's okay," I said. "We can run out and buy some."
He stopped kissing me and held my face in his hands. "I would rather spend the evening with you talking and having nice time. No condom necessary." He paused and then followed it up with, "I don't feel comfortable spending our first night… together."
"Listen, Lupe," I said, "this is our last night! Don't get your hopes up. It's cold and I'm tired, so get out that pinata and let's get this party started."
I didn't understand what was happening. This had never happened to me before. I had been denied sex on certain occasions, sure, but they usually involved a three A.M. phone call.
"You are upset, are you not?" he asked.
Upset? I was stark-raving mad. I couldn't understand why a traveling man would come to the United States and not jump at the opportunity to be manhandled by an American girl.
I knew that I couldn't physically overpower Lupe, but there was a chance of him losing some strength after a couple more drinks. I wasn't a huge fan of being on top, but desperate times called for desperate measures, and it looked like I was going to have to ride him like a pony.
"I'm not upset," I told him, "not at all. That's very sweet. Let's go have some drinks in my room."
I got a water glass from the bathroom and poured Lupe a nice long whiskey straight from the minibar. "Let's do a shot," I said.
We started kissing again, standing up, and then fell onto the bed. After a good thirty seconds, I reached for his penis, but he stopped me. "Slow down, slow down," he said.
This guy was really pissing me off. What was the story? I appreciated the idea of taking our time in bed, but not beforehand. After I got him naked, I would gladly roll around for hours if that was what he wanted.
"Are you seriously not going to have sex with me?" I asked.
He pulled me to him into a sort of cuddling position, which suspiciously felt like a full nelson.
This guy was gonna drive me to drink… more. I lost my steam, grabbed the remote control, and found the Animal Planet channel.
The next hour consisted of us snuggling and watching eight morons compete in different challenges with animals. I had heard about men getting blue balls before, but didn't know it could happen to a female. At that very moment, my vagina was turning a deep shade of navy.
"Do you want to go to that party?" I asked him.
"Not really, this is nice," he said and burrowed his face into my shoulder.
This guy was a hot mess. Who on earth behaved like this? What was the point of traveling if you wanted to sit in hotel rooms and watch TV? He must have grown up in the wild, with no civilization at all, to think this was a good time. I was struggling to come up with ways to get him to leave, but I was too exhausted. I tried to fart, but nothing came out. Then he started to snore.
I fell asleep shortly after I resigned myself to the idea that I was, in fact, sharing a bed with someone who wouldn't put out. This was not the ending I had envisioned for the evening. Instead of steamy South American sex, the entire night was spent with Lupe holding on to me for dear life like a koala bear to a tree branch. Being cuddled while awake is nice, but when I'm sleeping, I need space. I kept waking up every hour, trying to nudge him toward the other side of the bed, but he slept like a big dead log. My shoulder started to ache from lying on my side, but there wasn't any other choice; whenever I turned around all I got was hot breath in my face. I was close to tears and thought about calling hotel security, but I didn't want Lupe to end up in the clinker.
At around seven A.M. I picked up the hotel telephone, went into the bathroom, and called myself on my cell, which I had placed next to Lupe's head with the ringer on high. I ran out of the bathroom in a fit of panic to answer my cell and saw his eyes open slightly. "Hello?" I answered inquisitively. "Oh, no, we do? Oh, of course, I'm just, I'm just aaaah… okay, I'll be here." I hung up. "Shit!" I screamed.
Lupe bounced up. "What is it?"
"I have a meeting in ten minutes, and it's in this room. You're gonna have to go. I am sooooo sorry."
"It's okay, it's okay, what kind of meeting is it?" he asked.
I wasn't prepared for his English to work first thing in the morning and was thrown off guard by the question.
"It's with the manager of this hotel, actually. Shoniqua and I are thinking about buying it."
"Oh, I didn't know you were into real estate. Shoniqua told me you were a professional ballerina."
This was news to me. "I am… a ballerina… but I also buy buildings… hotels mostly… and then fix them up and sell them." I said this with about as much believability as Pamela Anderson as a lifeguard.
"Oh, okay… when do you think you'll be done?"
"It's gonna be a long one," I said. "Why don't you give me your cell number and I'll call you tonight."
"I thought maybe we could go to the zoo today," he said.
This came as no surprise to me, considering his affinity for things in captivity. "Probably not, but I'll call you later," I said. He told me he had no cell phone and asked for my number. I gave him Shoniqua's.
He got dressed and came over to kiss me good-bye, grabbing my face for what felt like an hour. He just kept staring into my eyes. "I had a beautiful time last night."
"Yeah, it was a real hoot," I said.
After he left, I locked the door, slept for another three hours, then put on a robe and went straight to Shoniqua's room.