"I don't have any full panties, only my period underwear and those are too ugly."
"What color are they?"
"Red," I said. "Not from my period, they're just red."
They were nylon tummy tuckers and they sucked everything in when you were bloated. These weren't panties I wanted to show off. Generally, this type of underwear wasn't worn by anyone under sixty.
"No one will see them, it will be dark out, just wear something that covers your ass. Or wear a bathing suit bottom."
"What color are the pants?" I asked Ivory.
" Chelsea, just give it a rest. Be over at Lydia 's by eight and we'll get ready there."
Parking at Lydia 's was always a nightmare, so I called our friend Holden who lived around the corner and parked in his garage. Holden is like one of the girls. He's a sweet guy and we've all been friends with him for years. Holden's only fault is that he has a severe case of ADD. He's the type of person who asks you a question and then interrupts the answer with another question. This habit can be very annoying, especially if you're upset-which has resulted in many dramatic breakup scenes with his girlfriends involving clothes and furniture being thrown off balconies. Holden doesn't mind being yelled at, so that would help release the anger related to him not listening in the first place.
Holden didn't know about the party, probably because he wasn't paying attention when he got invited, so I invited him again. He didn't have a costume either, so I told him to wear one of his wet suits. Holden owns his own beachwear company, where he sells everything from scuba suits to surfboards. He keeps all his equipment at his apartment, and it comes in handy every time I decide to spend more time underwater.
When I got to Lydia 's place, all three girls were already dressed. Ivory was a sexy schoolgirl, Lydia was a sexy cop, and Jen was an M &M.
The genie costume was really cute and fit me perfectly. As soon as Jen saw it on me I caught a look on her face that said, "Take that off, I'm wearing it."
" Chelsea," Jen said. "I have an idea. You can be the M &M!"
"That's okay," I said. "You keep it. You like chocolate more."
"I insist," she said, grinning like one of those crazed cheerleaders after they've been hurled into the air. "And anyway, the genie's my costume in the first place. I brought it for you."
I put on the M &M suit. The top part was the shape of a pumpkin and formed a perfect green sphere around my body. It came with matching green tights that I wore over my red period panties. Jen's shoes for the M &M outfit didn't fit me and none of Lydia 's shoes fit either. The only shoes I had with me were the ones I had worn over. Black Adidas slides. This became my outfit.
"I need your panties," Jen said while checking herself out in the full-length mirror. You could see right through her genie pants, and she was wearing a leopard thong.
"I'm not giving you my panties," I said, "and can we please stop using that word?" There are three words that gross me out: "panties," "moist," and "slick." They all seem like words a child molester would use. Together.
"You need to give me them. I can't wear this outfit with a thong," Jen insisted.
"Fine!" I huffed as I took them off and put my tights back on.
"Don't you want some underwear?" Lydia asked.
"No, I'll just free-ball it." I wasn't in the business of borrowing other people's underwear and could not believe Jen was willing to wear mine.
"Do you want the green paint for your face?" Jen asked.
"No thanks," I said, shooting her a dirty look.
There's a fine line between being easygoing and being taken advantage of, and allowing someone to paint my face green would have been the latter.
"What's the matter? You look adorable," Jen said in the same voice you'd use talking to a girl who was going to her prom in a wheelchair.
Holden waddled up to me, wearing a scuba suit with a mask.
"I guess the two of us will be hanging out together tonight," I said.
The party had potential, but I never got into the swing of things due to my somber mood. Holden and I sat in a corner, making fun of people's costumes, and when we tired of that, I started making fun of Holden, who was sweating so profusely that he had taken down the top half of his scuba suit and was now topless.
At the end of the party, Lydia told us that we were all going to after-hours at some guy in a Batman suit's apartment. The only selling point was that the apartment was in Santa Monica, located conveniently around the corner from Lydia 's.
We were approaching the building when I thought it looked eerily familiar. There are many apartment buildings in Santa Monica that are nearly identical; I figured that was the case here. But as Ivory, Jen, Lydia, Holden, and I piled upstairs into Batman's apartment, I glanced around the place and got a not so melancholy feeling. I never forget an apartment. A face, maybe, but not an apartment. I eyed Batman carefully but didn't recognize him at all.
"How long have you lived here?" I asked as I was checking my e-mail from his computer.
"About ten years," he told me.
"Do I look familiar to you?" I asked him as he handed me a beer and I sat there in my M &M costume. I clicked over to Oprah's Web site to see if they had decided on next month's book.
"Not really, what's your name?"
" Chelsea."
"No. Maybe we've seen each other around."
After realizing that this after-party was going nowhere fast, I went into the kitchen and made myself a bowl of Top Ramen. Unfortunately, I had to eat it right out of the pot with a pair of unused chopsticks, because I didn't spot a dishwasher and judging by the looks of this place, he wasn't a good cleaner. The girls were all sitting on his couch as they listened to music. I was tired and reminded them that nothing positive happens after two A.M.
Batman looked at me with devilment in his eyes and said, "That's not true."
I didn't like his tone and left the room. I walked into his bedroom and found a Nintendo box attached to his TV.
Nintendo had been replaced by Play Station years earlier; I hadn't seen one of these boxes since middle school. The excitement I felt at that moment could be paralleled only by J. Lo releasing another album.
I was on level four of Super Mario Brothers when Ivory came in and told me that she thought Jen and Batman were going to hook up.
"She can't," I said. "I think I may have already slept with him."
"You did?"
"I'm not sure, but this place seems familiar."
Ivory left and got Lydia. They stood above me with their arms crossed, watching me play.
"Well, did you or didn't you?" Ivory asked.
"I don't remember, but I know I've been here, and I can't imagine sleeping over at a stranger's house without having sex with him." Then Batman walked into his bedroom holding a black piece of tar and asked if any of us were interested in smoking hash.
"Are you serious?" I said. The thought of smoking a brick had about as much appeal as seeing Michael Bolton perform live.
"Who smokes hash?" Lydia asked.
"Wait a minute. I know how I know you," I said.
Upon being offered hash, the memory flooded back. I was once partying late night at the Compound with some of Lydia 's neighbors and Batman was there. He lived about ten blocks from me at the time, so we shared a cab home, but I was so drunk that when we stopped at his place, I got out as well. He didn't remind me that I didn't live there. When I walked inside and realized I was at his house, he leaned in and tried to kiss me. I told him to back off and get me a cold compress, a fan, and a pillow for his couch.
"I crashed here one night a couple of years ago, remember? I slept on your couch and you brought me a cold compress and a fan? Remember, I didn't feel so well?"
"Oh yeah, kind of… you were pretty wasted," he said.
"Oh, my God, that is so funny! Where was I?" Lydia asked.
"You were probably dating Ass Breath," I told her.