"Did you guys hook up?" asked Ivory.
"No, I just slept over," I said.
It was true: we hadn't had sex. I felt an immense pride at that moment for having slept over a stranger's house without hooking up. All of a sudden it was as if I were the mature one in our group of girls, and I made a note to myself to counsel them later on how "no means no!"
"Didn't you clean my apartment?" he asked me.
"Yeah, a little bit," I said. I had cleaned up because when I woke up in the morning, I couldn't believe the squalor this guy was living in. I am not a neat freak, so if I'm tidying up around someone's place, it's got to be pretty unsanitary. I distinctly remember there being cold cuts stuck to the wall.
"How did you remember sleeping here after a couple years?" Ivory asked me.
"Because he offered me hash that night too, and these are the only two times in my life that has happened."
"I can't believe you didn't sleep with him," Lydia said.
"Well, Lydia," I said very condescendingly, "sometimes you have to make smarter choices."
"Shut up, asshole," said Ivory.
"Can we go, or does Jen want to hook up with him?" I asked.
"Yeah, let's go. You wanna sleep at my place?" Lydia asked.
Holden, Ivory, Lydia, and I called a cab while Jen stayed behind. We got dropped off at the Compound and Ivory had the cab take her home. Holden walked to his apartment and I told him I'd come by in the morning for my car.
People were still up at the Compound partying. There was loud music playing and strangers were dancing in the courtyard.
"I'm going to bed," I told Lydia. "Give me your keys."
She looked through her purse for an amount of time that I knew could only result in her not having them. "Shit," she said. "I think I left them at Batman's or in the cab." She didn't seem bothered by this at all. "Oh, well. We'll figure it out," she said.
Lydia 's neighbor Gary moseyed over in his cowboy costume to say hi. He tipped up his five-gallon hat and asked what was wrong.
" Lydia lost her house keys and I need to sleep," I said.
"My door's open," he told me. "Just go crash. I'll take the sofa."
"Great," I said. "Thanks, Dubya."
Not knowing Gary or his hygiene very well, I decided to keep my M &M outfit on. My tights and green rotunda would protect me from any potential bedbugs. I passed out and remember feeling Lydia climb into bed some time later that night and then someone else climbing into bed with us.
At around six in the morning I awoke to noises that can be associated only with heavy petting.
They were coming from the bathroom. Suddenly, there were loud crashes of what I presumed were toiletries falling to the floor.
"Oh! Oh! Oh, my God! G-G-G-G-Gary! Yes… right there, no up more, oh, my GOD!" yelled Lydia.
Though I couldn't see myself, I knew I had the same look on my face that Macaulay Culkin had in Home Alone when he finds out that his parents have forgotten him.
I rolled out of bed, fell on the floor, and crawled out the door, keeping my head down like I was dodging enemy fire. I hadn't walked two steps outside before I realized I needed my cell phone, purse, and shoes. I tried the door. Locked. I knocked, but no one answered.
I looked around for any sign of life but quickly realized that at some point the night before I had taken my contacts out. Everything beyond twenty feet was blurry. This was not good. I paced back and forth, wondering what my next move would be, when I remembered my car was only blocks away at Holden's.
Could I walk the five blocks to Holden's in my M &M outfit? I knocked on the door of Gary 's apartment again, but to no avail. I could still hear Lydia moaning. I felt as if I might become physically ill. This was a complete disaster. I couldn't believe Lydia would have sex while I was feet away in the same apartment. This wasn't high school!
Hearing your friend moaning someone's name during sex is down there with seeing your parents have sex. I know because, luckily for me, I had now experienced both.
There was no other choice. I ran down the steps of the complex and started sprinting along the sidewalk toward Holden's apartment. I stubbed my toe almost immediately, which slowed me to a brisk limp.
What I could barely make out as a woman walking her dog toward me crossed to the other side of the street upon seeing me. A guy in a passing car slowed down and yelled out the window, "Rough night?" This was humiliating. I had never been outside this early before and I didn't like the crowd.
It was one thing to wander around in an M &M costume on Halloween or maybe even the day after, but it was a whole other turn of events for me to be doing it in February. To make it worse, with every step, the thick cottony upper-body part of my costume, the actual M &M, kept riding up above my butt, and I kept having to hold it down with one hand behind my back. And this little M &M had to pee so badly.
When I arrived at Holden's, I immediately started throwing rocks at his sliding glass door. "Holden!" I screamed.
"Keep it down," one of his neighbors yelled, then came out on to his balcony. "Lady… oh," he paused. "How would you like it if I called the police?"
"Oh, please, go ahead," I said. "And tell them what, there's a crazy M &M outside?"
The neighbor shook his head and went back inside.
After what seemed like a year, Holden finally came out, rubbing his eyes. As soon as he saw me, he burst out laughing.
"Can you just please come down and get me?" I said. More laughing. Now he was doubled over on his balcony, his face turning red.
"You know what, asshole? Can you laugh at me after I come inside instead of while I'm standing on a street corner?"
Holden went back inside only to come back out thirty seconds later with a camera. After his third snapshot of me at my worst, another neighbor appeared on a balcony. "Here we go again! Can't you and your girlfriends just give it a rest?"
That snapped Holden out of it. He went inside to open the door for me. "I'm not his girlfriend," I shouted up to his neighbor.
Holden came down and let me in. I went inside and peed for close to five minutes. This outfit was a disaster and the panty hose were starting to give me a rash.
"Take me home. I can break into my kitchen window," I told him.
I needed to be in my bed, at my house-now. I had been through enough humiliation for one day. And it was maybe time to start focusing on the path my life was taking.
We got to my apartment at around eight-fifteen. I asked Holden to wait outside just in case I couldn't get in. It shouldn't be hard, I figured; since I lived on the first floor, all I had to do was push myself up to the kitchen window and climb through. I punched in the code to open the gate and made my way over to the kitchen window.
It was higher than I had remembered. I looked around nervously. I had never done this before. I knew it was possible because Lydia had done it once, but then again, she had help. Instead of going to get Holden, I tried on my own. It was unlocked, but I needed to hoist myself up in order to squeeze through. Halfway through, my M &M costume got stuck. The wiring that kept the shape of the M &M wouldn't budge. I either had to take it off my head or climb back down. If I took it off, I knew I could get in-I was already halfway there. So I squirmed out of the costume.
That's when I heard the back gate open and shut. There was the sound of approaching footsteps and then they stopped. Here I was with green tights and no underwear hanging out of my kitchen window with my head in my sink. "Holden, if you take a picture…"
"It's not Holden," said the voice of my ex-boyfriend/ landlord.
Shit. Shit. Shit. Please tell me this isn't happening to me.
"Do you need a hand, Chelsea?" he asked.
"No, thanks, I'm cool," I said offhandedly. As if people entered their apartments like this all the time.
He sighed deeply, ruffling his keys. Then he opened my door, entered the kitchen, and pulled me through. When I got to the floor I kneeled down with my arms around myself in order to cover my bra and my beaver that you could easily see through my tights. He had taken the M &M part of the costume from outside and put it next to me.