“Katie, don’t be sorry,” he says at once, his voice rough with some emotion I can’t read. “Love, there’s nothing for you to be sorry about. You’ve had a hard time of it, and I just wish we’d known…I wish we could have helped…but there it is.” He leans forward and takes my hands tightly in his big ones. “Katie, all we care about is your happiness. Sod the lot of them. Sod them. You come back here. You run Ansters Farm for us. You’re a brilliant, brilliant girl, and if they can’t see it, well, we can. Right, Biddy?”
I don’t know how to respond. I glance over at Biddy, and she’s shaking her head, a little frown notched between her brows.
“But, Mick,” she says in those quiet, measured tones of hers, “I don’t think it’s quite as simple as that. I don’t think Katie wants to make her life and career here. Do you, darling? Or am I wrong?”
I’ve never felt such tension in this room; it’s like the air is viscous with it. I need to speak; I need to tell the truth. But without hurting my dad.
“Dad…” My voice trembles so much, I can hardly utter the words. “I want to live in London. I still want to give it a go. I know you’ll never understand it, but it’s my dream.” I rub my face hard, feeling desperate. “But I don’t want to break your heart. If I go to London I know I will. And so I’m stuck. I don’t know what to do. I don’t…I can’t…”
My words are all mixed up and incoherent in my head. Tears are running down my face again. I dart a glance at Dad and he appears stricken.
“Katie!” he says, and exhales. “Love. What gave you the idea I don’t want you to live in London?”
Is he serious?
“Well…you know,” I gulp. “Like, saying London’s overpriced and dangerous and dirty…telling me to buy a flat in Howells Mill…”
“Mick!” exclaims Biddy. “Why did you tell Katie to buy a flat in Howells Mill?”
“I only suggested it,” says Dad, looking caught out.
“I feel guilty all the time. All the time.” As I say the words out loud, I feel a massive relief. And dread. I’m venturing into places I would never have dared to tread before. But maybe they need venturing into.
“You know what? I want to say something.” Biddy’s voice makes me start. As I turn to her in surprise, I can see that her cheeks are pink. She looks nervous but resolute. “I always try to stand back when it’s the two of you at odds. I try not to put my oar in when it’s not wanted. But I think right now it’s needed. Because I can see two people I love—I love the pair of you, you know that, don’t you?” Biddy adds, her cheeks flaming even darker pink. “I can see two people who are hurting each other, and I won’t stand it anymore. Mick, can’t you see what pressure it puts on Katie, telling her to buy a flat in Howells Mill, for Pete’s sake? Why would she do that? And you know what I thought about our last trip to London….” Biddy turns to me and adds, “I told your dad he should apologize to you, some of the ridiculous things he said.” She lifts a hand as Dad opens his mouth to protest. “I know you worry about Katie, Mick. But eight million people live in London safely enough, don’t they? They haven’t all been gunned down or mugged, have they?”
Dad is looking a bit shamefaced. Meanwhile, I’m so gobsmacked by Biddy’s sudden eloquence, I can’t find a response.
“But there’s something else, Katie.” She turns back to me. “You know, we’re not stupid. We know life in London is tough and expensive and all the rest of it. We see the headlines; we watch the news reports. You always sound so positive, as though everything’s a dream come true…but it can’t be that easy all the time? Is it?”
There’s a huge pause. I’m feeling slightly as though I want to throw myself to Biddy’s knees and hug her.
“No,” I admit at last. “It’s not. It’s not at all.”
“No one’s life has to be perfect.” Biddy leans over and puts an arm round me, tight. “Don’t put so much pressure on yourself, love. Whoever started the rumor that life has to be perfect is a very wicked person, if you ask me. Of course it’s not! And none of this nonsense about breaking your dad’s heart,” she adds. “How could you ever break his heart?”
Slowly, almost not daring to, I raise my eyes to meet Dad’s. Dad’s eyes. They’ve been my benchmark all my life, my North Pole. I gaze into their blue depths, allowing myself to see his love, burning amid the twinkles. And just a few splinters, still.
I think Biddy hasn’t got it quite right. I think maybe I did break Dad’s heart a little. But maybe I did that just by growing up.
“Love…” Dad exhales slowly. “I’m sorry. I know what it must look like to you. And I’ll be honest: I’m not the greatest fan of London. But if you like it, maybe I’ll come to like it.” He glances at Biddy and hastily amends: “I will come to like it.”
“Well, you may not need to.” I make an attempt at a lighthearted laugh. “If I stay unemployed.”
“Those bastards…” Dad instinctively clenches a fist, and Biddy puts a soothing hand on his arm.
“Mick,” she says. “Katie’s a grown-up. She’ll find her way. Let her do that. And now we’d better all get on, don’t you think?” As she stands up, she winks at me, and I can’t help smiling back.
I’m not quite up to rejoining the merry singsong round the campfire. So I wander along to the kitchen, thinking I’ll have some tea—to find Demeter sitting at the table, dressed in dry clothes with a towel turban round her head.
“Oh.” I stop dead. “Hi.”
“I just bumped into Biddy,” says Demeter. “She told me I might find you here. Katie, I need to apologize. I didn’t mean to betray your confidence.”
“Don’t worry, it’s fine.” I shrug awkwardly. “I was planning to tell my dad, anyway. It just forced my hand a bit.”
“Even so. I shouldn’t have, and I’m truly sorry.” Demeter fiddles with her sleeve for a few seconds, her face drawn. “I gather I owe you thanks too,” she adds, darting me a glance. “I hear you were very helpful with Coco. Hal told me.”
“Right.” I nod. I can understand that. Poor Hal seemed a bit freaked out by the whole thing. He probably saw his mum and couldn’t help blabbing the whole story.
“And I don’t know what you said to them, Katie, but Hal had put a bouquet of flowers on my bed. He’d gathered them from the garden, so I’ll have to apologize to Biddy,” she adds with a short laugh. “And Coco was—” She breaks off, her eyes wide. “I’ve never heard Coco so conciliatory. So mature.”
“Well, I guess she’s started looking at the world from your point of view a bit more. Demeter…” I hesitate. How on earth do I put this? “I think you could be a bit tougher on your kids,” I say at last. “I think they take you for granted.”
There’s a long pause. Demeter is still twiddling at her sleeve. She’s going to wear it away to a shred if she doesn’t stop.
“I know.” She breathes out. “But it’s not easy. I barely ever see them. I feel so guilty. So when they ask for things I just want to please them.”
“You’re a totally different person with your kids from how you are at the office.” I try to impress this on her. “Totally different. And not in a good way.”