Choking back a sob, I unglued my feet and rushed to him. I wasn’t sure how he’d react to my touch, or if he’d react to it at all, but I had to put my arms around him. I had to hold him like he’d held me so many times, almost like he was holding me together. I crouched down beside him and scooted into the corner until my body was pressed into the side of his. Slowly, I wound my arms around him and drew him close. It was hard to describe, because he was still six-foot and two hundred pounds of muscle and bone, but somehow Jesse felt . . . frail. For the first time and what I hoped would be the last time. There were lapses of momentary weakness, and then there was frail. Like one gust of wind could blow him away from me.
“Jesse. Come back to me.” I was trembling from keeping my emotions contained. “Please. I love you. You’re safe. Just . . . come back to me. I need you.” A sob sneaked out at the last part and another was about to when Jesse’s body flinched.
“Rowen,” he whispered as one arm circled me.
His whole body was so tense it looked as if some of his muscles were about to burst through the skin, but I sighed in relief at that one word. It was to date, and probably for every date forward, the most incredible sound I’d ever heard. Jesse was back. Wherever he’d gone, whatever dark place he’d been trapped in, he was back.
“Oh my god, are you okay? Wait. Stupid question.” Tucking my chin over his head, I held him close and rocked him in my arms. “What can I do? What do you need?” I didn’t know what to say, and in my loss of knowing exactly what to say, I ended up unable to shut up.
“Just this.” His head was still curled into his knees, but his body relaxed little by little with every passing second. The more he relaxed, the tighter my arms went. When his head finally lifted, his gaze shifted my way. His eyes didn’t give away that he’d been crying, but they did look different. Almost . . . hollow. Void. I would have preferred to see devastation or rage. “I shouldn’t have run off like that. I shouldn’t have left you alone. I’m sorry.” Jesse’s voice was strained, almost raspy, like each word was a fight to form.
I whipped my head from side to side. “Why are you apologizing to me? I’m the one who needs to apologize. I’m the one who’s going to need to apologize to you for the rest of my life.” I fitted my hand to his face, touching my thumb to the corner of his lips. “I’m so sorry, Jesse. I fucked up. I fucked up big time. I had no idea that . . . that woman . . . was your birth mother.”
“Don’t use that word. Please don’t use that word.” I must have looked confused. “That woman was never a mother to me. She never showed an ounce of love, or compassion, or nurturing. She doesn’t deserve that title. Even with ‘birth’ preceding it.”
I stared at the most incredible man in the world. A man who’d showed me unparalleled love, who was hard working, respected, and had a heart bigger than the giant state he lived in. I stared at an exceptional man who’d been hurt by awful people. The unfairness of it all made me so mad I wanted to hit something. I wanted to hit it until my knuckles bled and my tears were gone. I knew the laws of the spherical mass we lived on; I knew them because I’d tried to break just about every one and failed. I knew the rule was that life wasn’t fair and one was a fool to expect it, but the Jesse Walkers of the world should have been the exception. People who were so good they didn’t seem like they were of our world shouldn’t have been punished by the heinous rules of it.
I wanted to hit something . . .
So I curled my fingers deeper into Jesse and let that be my outlet. “What can I do?” Having no clue how to ease his pain was almost as bad as knowing I was responsible for it.
“Just . . . let me figure all this out for a while. Let me process before you start firing off questions because I’m sure you’ve got hundreds.”
I did have hundreds. Possibly thousands and, hard as it would be, that was a request I could accommodate. “Do you want me to go?” The thought made me sick. I didn’t want to leave him—I wasn’t sure if I could—but if that’s what he needed, I’d just have to. I’d brought that mess on him; I would do whatever it took to clean it up.
If it even could be cleaned up . . .
“No. Stay.” The arm around me tightened, and I breathed my second breath of relief in five minutes.
We sat like that for a while, or maybe it wasn’t long at all. I couldn’t tell. I’d lost all understanding of time. So many questions flew through my mind; so many almost burst free. The only thing that slipped free, the only thing I couldn’t hold back, was, “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t, Rowen. This isn’t your fault, and it isn’t about you. This is about me and dealing with”—Jesse sighed, looking like he was fighting to find the right words—“dealing with something I thought I’d left behind . . .” He had to stop again. His chest was rising and falling hard again, and his face was twisted in pain.
I kissed the spot below his ear. “It’s all right, Jesse. I can handle it. You can tell me whatever it is.”
I was going to add more, but a couple of raised voices caught my attention. They were growing louder. Alex kept saying that now wasn’t a good time, now was a very bad time. When I deciphered the other voice, I swallowed. It was too late to rush to the door and lock it. Not that that would have stopped Jax.
“Chill out, Alex. I’m not here with a chainsaw. I’m just here to talk to her.”
Jesse’s head whipped up right as Jax stormed inside. Such bad timing.
“Oh, well, sure. Boyfriend’s in town. That explains why you’ve been avoiding my calls.”
“What the hell are you doing here? And who the hell do you think you are bursting into my room? Why don’t you get the hell out?” Apparently, I was in a hell raising kind of mood.
“Nice to see you, too, Cupcake.”
Jesse’s body stiffened. “Jax, I don’t have anything against you, but I’m about to. Rowen asked you to leave. Either be a man and listen to her, or I’ll have to be the man for both of us and show you the way out.” Jesse’s voice was low and level, making it a thousand times scarier than if he was yelling.
“Easy, Cowboy. I don’t do the testosterone-fueled intimidation thing, and from the looks of it, you’ve already been in the middle of something today.” Jax looked purposefully at Jesse’s black-smudged clothing.
“Jax. Leave,” I ordered, standing. “And, trust me, if I’m the one who has to make you go, you’re going to wish Jesse had gotten to you first.”
“Unlikely.” Jesse stood beside me and crossed his arms. He’d taken a one-eighty from the broken form on the ground he’d been moments ago.
“Down, boy. And girl.” Jax’s smile curled in amusement as he inspected me. “I just have one quick question to ask you, and then I’ll be happy to show myself to the door.”
I knew what that question was. I knew the words about to come from Jax’s mouth would undo Jesse all over again. I knew my betrayal, hot on the heels of being brought face to face with his childhood abuser, could send Jesse into another tailspin. The next one even worse.
“Jax . . .” I gave my head a small shake and pleaded with my eyes. “Don’t.”
“Have you decided on that internship yet, Rowen? How much longer do you think the museum is going to wait? After all, this is pretty much the opportunity of a lifetime and there are dozens, if not hundreds, of applicants in line behind you.” Jax’s smile was still in place. After that stunt, I’d normally want to slap it off of him. Instead, I felt deflated. Utterly and totally depleted of everything.
That probably had a lot to do with the way Jesse was looking at me. Not with betrayal but with confusion. “You got an internship?”
“I haven’t accepted it yet.” I studied the floor, unable to look him in the eyes.
“When did you apply?” His arms uncrossed and he stepped in front of me.
None of the answers would be easy ones, so I forced myself to go with the honest ones. “At the start of the school year.”