Once he’d shown up at Mojo that night, I knew I needed to tell him. I knew I couldn’t keep it from him any longer. And then the unthinkable mess with Mar happened . . .
How could I could tell him, the same night he’d come face to face with her, that I’d applied to an internship months ago without telling him and had just found out I’d gotten it? Hell, the internship wasn’t even on my radar at that point. Nothing but finding Jesse and comforting him was on my mind. I had been on the find-and-comfort-Jesse autopilot.
Then, barely a minute after Jesse had come back to me, Jax had burst in and dropped the internship bombshell. Worst timing in the history of bad timing.
I’d never forget the look on Jesse’s face that night when he looked into the face of the woman who’d given birth to him, and I’d never forget the look on his face when he found out I’d lied to him. Never.
So, betrayal. Yeah, I felt that hardcore, too. Not the betrayed, but the betrayer. After being on both ends of the betray spectrum, I could confidently say being the betrayer was just as bad. In my case, maybe worse. I’d done some serious damage to a person I loved, and that was something I’d hoped to avoid with Jesse. I guess I should have known better.
The past three days had been the worst, having no contact with Jesse being the pinnacle. I could have called Rose or Lily. Even Garth or Josie would have been better than sitting in “radio silence,” but I didn’t call them either. Jesse had asked me to give him space; calling any one of the four people closest to him seemed like cheating the system.
“Hey, Mopey. Stop crying into your coffee and go get some fresh air.”
Who needed to call anyone when I had that kind of support in arm’s reach? Yes, that was sarcasm. “No, thanks. I’m planning on wallowing the day away. You have fun with the fresh air, though.” I was sitting on one of the three folding chairs staggered around a card table, also known as our dining set, staring at closed blinds. I was back to keeping out the light.
“Please tell me you’re not going to wind up being one of those girls who throws her life away because she and her boyfriend got into a fight. Please, for the love of Julio, tell me I haven’t been roommates all year with a flake like that.” Alex dropped her backpack on the counter and grabbed a cup of coffee. I guess it was morning, time for classes. I’d lost track of time, and when the blinds were closed, I had no way of knowing if it was light or dark.
“I’m not throwing it away. I’ve just put it on . . . hold for a little while.”
“Why?” she asked, dumping a mountain of sugar into her coffee.
“Why? Why, Alex?” I said in disbelief. “Have you really not listened to a single word I’ve said over the past three days?” She’d been the only shoulder I’d had to cry on since I couldn’t call anyone at Willow Springs and Jax was still on my shit list.
“Well, I know what happened between you and Jesse, but why’s that deserving of putting your life on hold?”
If she had to ask, she really didn’t get anything that had happened.
“So what? You fucked up. You fucked up big time,” she added when I lifted an eyebrow. “We’re human, Rowen. An occasional fucking up big time is written in the fine print. You can’t just throw away, pause, fast forward, or delay your life because you made a mistake.” She slapped the counter when I lifted the other eyebrow. “When you made a huge mistake.”
“It wouldn’t be so bad if my huge mistake only hurt me, but it hurt Jesse in a way I’d taken a silent vow to keep from ever doing. I just can’t . . . It’s not so easy to move on when you devastate someone you love more than yourself.”
“Trust me. You love someone long enough and hard enough, you’re going to make an epic screw up or two along the way. Love makes us stupid sometimes,” Alex said, pouring a bowl of cereal and milk. “Deal with it.”
“I don’t feel comforted.”
Alex laughed a few notes. “I’m not trying to comfort you, china doll. I’m trying to bitch slap you back to reality.”
“Then you’re doing an awesome job. I feel successfully bitch slapped.” I rubbed my cheek as Alex dropped the cereal in front of me and gave me the Eat or else look. I’d had that look directed my way a bunch of times lately.
“Fine, look at it this way.” Alex crossed her arms and looked down at me. “Would you rather have a man like Jesse in your life and have some fucks up along the way, or would you rather stay alone, an old mopey shrew, whose fuck ups only affect herself?”
My immediate answer was one thing, my non-selfish answer the other. After going back and forth a few times, I decided I wasn’t in the right state of mind to make that decision. Of course I wanted to spend my life with Jesse—I’d never known life could feel so big and hopeful before experiencing it with him at my side—but after witnessing the damage I’d done to him after my mega “fuck up,” I was pretty sure if I had to witness those expressions on his face again, it would kill me.
Apparently my deliberation was taking too long for the impatient person hovering above me because she let out an exaggerated sigh, snagged my phone off the counter, and tossed it in front of me. “Why don’t you call him already? Apologize, help him work through whatever shit he’s going through, then get back to being the cutest, most nauseating couple on the planet.”
“I can’t,” I replied, staring at my phone.
“Bok, bok, bok,” was her intelligent reply.
“Alex . . .”
She grabbed her backpack from the counter and made her way to the door, wagging her elbows and repeating, “Bok, bok, bok.” After another dozen boks, she finally closed the door.
Alex’s words and encouragement were making me weak. Or were they making me strong? At that stage, it was hard to tell. I couldn’t stop staring at my phone, but I managed to keep from grabbing it and speed dialing Jesse.
My cereal was soggy when the will to call him finally tipped the scales on the will not to. My arm snapped toward my phone, and right then, my phone buzzed.
Other than Jax, who I’d ignored, and Alex, who I’d tried to ignore, I hadn’t had many calls the past few days. I held my breath, hoping Jesse was calling to announce his need for space was over. The number wasn’t his, but it was almost as familiar.
“Rose?” My heart leapt into my throat before she said a word. I felt the tension on the line.
“Rowen, it’s Jesse. Something’s wrong,” she said in a rushed voice. “Can you come to Willow Springs? Please?”
I was halfway to the door when I replied. “I’m coming.”
I BROKE.
I knew that with absolute certainty because it had happened before. It might have been years since I’d lost my grip on reality, but I’d never forget the way it felt. Feeling like I was holding on by my fingertips, then just barely by my nails, before falling. I fell for so long, I lost track of how long I’d been lost. It was an inexplicable feeling, and the only thing I was more sure of than I broke was my desire to never experience it again.
Given I’d been certain that part of my life was long behind me, but it had managed to creep up and surprise me, I wasn’t confident it wouldn’t happen again. That was paralyzing. I knew the person I’d been before all of it started, how strong and sure I’d been, and it took all of a month to revert back to the boy I’d been years ago.
I knew control was an illusion. I’d known that for a long time. However, I also knew control was an illusion I could manipulate. I’d been manipulating it for over a decade. I might not have been able to control the people, circumstances, and environment around me, but I could control myself. If that was the only thing I could control, then I’d take it. That was infinitely better than claiming no control in one’s life. I couldn’t control what happened around me, but I could control what happened within me.