Michael Buckley a former member of NERDS, now spends his time writing. In addition to the top secret file you are holding, Michael has written the New York Times bestselling Sisters Grimm series, which has been published in more than twenty languages. He has also created shows for Discovery Channel, Cartoon Network, Warner Bros., TLC, and Nickelodeon. He lives with his wife and their son, but if he told you where, he’d have to kill you.
This book was art directed and designed by Agent Chad W. Beckerman. The illustrations were created by Agent Ethen Beavers.
FINE. I’LL GIVE YOU
A PEEK AT THE NEXT
NERDS CASE FILE.
BUT YOU HAVE TO
BUY THE REST!
M is for Mama’s Boy
By Michael Buckley
Read NERDS: Book Two today!
Simon’s plan was not going exactly the way he wanted. He was trapped on a tiny ledge on the side of an enormous ice mountain at the top of the world—the North Pole, to be exact. The temperature was just above negative 35 degrees Fahrenheit, and in all directions there was little more than glaciers and drifting ice sheets. Firm ground was nearly a mile above, and the deadly cold waters of the Arctic Ocean were far below. He had been stranded on the ledge for two days, freezing, starving, and desperate for water. No, things were not going as planned at all!
Still, Simon (formerly known as Choppers, formerly known as Heathcliff Hodges) refused to ask his goon for a rescue. In his effort to become an evil mastermind, Simon had read many books, including one by business tycoon Donald Trump. It had argued that you should never let your underlings know you need help. It undermined their respect for you. No. He would save himself.
He pulled himself to his feet and balanced precariously on the tiny ledge. He searched the surface of the mountain for a handhold just as he had done so many times before, and once again he found nothing. Was he doomed to die? He went over everything he had ever been taught during his time as a secret agent. The NERDS headquarters was filled to the brim with gadgets that would save his life: grappling guns, antigravity sneakers, and much more. He had no gadgets with him. Right now he’d have settled for something as simple as a rope.
He thought of his former teammates, especially Duncan. He would be able to stick to the ice and climb to the top with ease. What good were Simon’s huge front teeth when there was no one around to hypnotize? But what had the hopelessly incompetent Agent Brand said to the team? “You don’t need gadgets. You are the gadgets.” That was it! Simon was the gadget. He slammed his face into the ice, driving his enormous front teeth deep into the mountain. Alternately using his teeth and the heavy cleated boots he wore, he began to slowly climb the mountain.
Perhaps Simon should have been grateful for his amazing upgrades and his many hours of training, but that wasn’t how he felt. He was boiling mad. Sure, being a member of NERDS had been exciting, but because the work was secret, when the young spies weren’t out on a mission, they went right back to being picked on by their classmates. He and the others had suffered hundreds of wet willies, power wedgies, and flicked ears, but had they ever fought back? NO! They had to protect their identities and the work they did around the world. Well, it was all bunk! What was the point of having superpowers if you couldn’t fight the bullies who tormented you? One day, while the school’s resident meanie was dunking his head in a toilet, Simon realized that knuckleheads would always torment people like him. The only way to change it would be to change everything. He decided to destroy the world. With society in shambles, people would be forced to rely on those with great intelligence—namely, himself. Once again, reading and learning would be held in high regard and people like Simon would be admired rather than abused and humiliated.
But his brilliant plan had been foiled by his own teammates. Of all the people in the world, he was sure his former friends would join him. They were misfits, outcasts, spazzes—they’d been bullied, stuffed in lockers, and forced to hand over their milk money on a daily basis. But Simon had failed to see the effect Duncan Dewey had on the others. The chubby kid had always been a walking ball of positive energy. The abuse he suffered time and time again seemed to roll right off his back. And his grating optimism had infected the team. They acted as if Simon had betrayed them!
Simon’s thirst for revenge kept him going through the painful climb, and after several hours he was close to the summit. At the top, he hoped to find the remains of Dr. Jigsaw’s secret fortress, or at least some clothing and food. But when he was only a few inches away from the top, the mountain shook violently. He bit hard on the ice with what was left of his strength, knowing full well the source of the tremors. Jigsaw’s continental-shift machine was still active and was forcing the mountain farther into the sky. There was another quake, and this time his teeth could not hold on. The next thing he knew he was falling—down, down, down into the sea. He hit the waves with a painful splash and, exhausted, he sank into the icy black abyss.
For Simon, death seemed immediate, but fate had another plan for him. It flash froze him like a fish stick. His heartbeat slowed to an almost undetectable rhythm, as did his brain function. Every molecule in his body crystallized, and a block of ice quickly formed around him, turning him into an ice cube of evil. For weeks he floated south with the currents, bumping into ice floes around Iceland and Greenland, drifting past Canada and right down the eastern seaboard of the United States. Several lobster boats tried to reel him in, but the block was simply too heavy, and by the time Coast Guard officials got there to investigate, Simon had drifted away. The cube shrank a bit as it bobbed along in the warm waters of the Florida Keys, and on down past Cuba. Eventually, what was left of the chunk of ice washed ashore on a tiny, uninhabited island in the Caribbean Sea.
The waves hurled it onto a pebbly beach where it was met by a squirrel with huge front teeth. Shocked by the cube’s sudden appearance, the squirrel fled into the jungle and didn’t return for three days. By then, the ice had melted considerably. When the squirrel mustered enough bravery, it hopped on top of the cube. It licked the ice and then spat the salty water out. Then, just as it was sure the ice posed no danger, nor any benefit, it peered into the crystal cube and saw Simon’s giant buckteeth. It let out a startled squeak and then began to dig at the ice with its little claws. Its excited chirps brought dozens of squirrels out of the jungle, and together they scratched and chipped at the ice, attempting to free the boy. Squirrels are not big thinkers, as a rule, but if one had read the minds of these particular squirrels, one would understand that they thought they had stumbled upon their god.
ARE YOU SATISFIED NOW?
GOOD! GET OUTTA HERE!