But all these thoughts lasted only an instant before they left Nilla's head. Livia closed her eyes in the pale yellow sun and appeared to doze. Nilla threaded her fingers in Burrus's hand again and kissed his lips.
'She does not mind how close we are,' said Burrus, who had been relieved to see Livia's reaction.
Nilla considered this. 'Perhaps it's because she knows how it is when the one you love most is enslaved.'
The Nones of February
AD 27
Four weeks later: seeking a scapegoat for the recent calamities, the people of Rome declare the Emperor's departure to Capri an evil omen
The sisters sat as close together as the tiny boat allowed, their teeth chattering in the chilly night air. Nilla squatted in the middle, with Drusilla and Julilla huddled on each side of her, their arms wrapped around her waist. They presented resolute, determined faces to the world and hid their terror behind their eyes. But Burrus could see it, rowing them across the three placid miles of sea from the Surrentum promontory to the landing on harbourless Capri. He felt terror too, and perhaps would have succumbed to it had the sisters not been present. But for their sake — for Nilla's most of all — he kept it down.
'What will happen to us?' asked Julilla again.
No one replied.
'What will happen?'
'Ssh,' Nilla whispered.
'Why can't you just tell me? Why do we have to go to this place at all?'
Nilla caught Burrus's eye in the moonlight as he rowed them. They found comfort in the looks of love they gave to each other. 'Because of our mother,' she whispered to Julilla. 'And our brother, Little Boots, too.'
'He could be all alone on the island. No one knows. Grandmother Antonia has tried sending letters but they remain unanswered. It is our duty to now take action on her behalf,' Drusilla said.
'Shouldn't we have told her we were going?'
'Julilla, please stop asking questions,' said Drusilla.
'Why didn't we ask our older brothers to help us?'
No one said anything more.
The sisters had received no contact from both Nero and Drusus in months. Nilla guessed they sought to keep their togas spotless from their mother's fall. They could not be blamed. When things improved, perhaps they would embrace their forgotten siblings again.
The only sound was that of Burrus's strong young arms slicing the oars through the waves.
'I want our mother,' Julilla said softly, after a time.
'We all do,' said Drusilla. Each girl felt tears come to her eyes at their continued prevention from seeing Agrippina or knowing of her fate.
'Your mother would want you to be brave, domina,' Burrus said to Julilla.
The youngest sister nodded, but her tears were wet upon her cheeks.
I had never seen such fury in Livilla. I knew her to be sly and scheming, but never so vicious as to beat another person physically. Yet the violence with which she kicked and struck her nephew Drusus was of a magnitude that her grandmother Livia would have respected. When the yelping Drusus fell under her slaps and punches, she struck him in the face with her heel. Then she aimed her foot at his privates, sparing him nothing with repeated sharp blows, while he writhed and screamed in torment. It was fascinating for me, a hidden witness, to see a patrician suffer this assault. Any slave in his place would have taken such treatment resignedly. But to see a patrician suffer it was to marvel that he was nothing so much as surprised.
When Livilla had finally spent herself, she sat down in a chair, exhausted. The dog Scylax, who had excitedly enjoyed the beating, ran to lick her reddened hand while Drusus tried to recover himself on the floor. Having stumbled upon this scene wholly by accident, I was conscious of not moving or even taking a breath from behind the partly open door from where I watched.
'Nothing,' said Livilla at last. 'Absolutely nothing at all.'
'I am sorry, Aunt,' Drusus whimpered.
'How can this be? You swore to me Nero was perverted — that he harboured desires for men. Yet what proof have you brought me of this?'
'I am sorry, Aunt.'
'Nothing at all.'
I was confused. What had Drusus done with the many pages of detailed notes on his brother's activities that I had secreted into his rooms upon my domina 's orders?
'You've failed me, Drusus. Get out of my sight.'
I sprung away from the door and made haste down the corridor before Drusus caught me witnessing this shameful exchange. I reached the end just as he hobbled from the room. I turned and was able to glance at his face before he ducked away. He was transfixed by fear. I almost pitied him. He had made a pact with a woman as captivating as she was terrifying. He was no different to me.
I lingered for a few moments, trying to decide my next course. Then I chastised myself. There was no other course left for me. Already feeling the inevitable blows from the rod, I prepared to stumble through the maze of Oxheads corridors until I found my domina. Within moments of my setting out, however, she found me.
'Iphicles.'
' Domina?' To my vague dismay, Lygdus was in attendance upon Livia as she made her progress through the halls. 'I was just coming to find you.'
'To confess your crimes?'
'Well, I… Yes.'
The look that passed between my domina and Lygdus was one of the deepest disgust. Lygdus came behind me and delivered two hard kicks to the backs of my knees. I fell forward with a shout.
'Better,' said Livia. Her fist was curled around a dozen sheets of papyrus. She flung them at my upturned face. 'Now eat them.'
I must have looked laughable in my confusion because Lygdus burst into giggles.
'Eat them,' said Livia.
'The papyrus sheets, domina?'
She thrust her face into mine. 'Filthy accusations about Nero, my grandson, and written in your hand. Eat them, slave. Then shit them into a sewer and flush them far from Rome.'
I began to tear up the first piece of papyrus, stuffing it into my mouth.
'When will he learn, domina?' Lygdus shook his head sadly.
'When my grandson Nero is the second king,' Livia said.
They remained until I had chewed and swallowed the last sheet. Then Lygdus was posted to ensure I didn't vomit them. He wouldn't speak or look at me.
Livia was playing an elaborate game, I knew. She was playing a game with all of us. She had devised the rules and twists and countermoves throughout her years of paralysis. She had polished and perfected what she would do to the most finite degree. And now that she was free of me again, she was playing her game with the whole of Rome. She would not kill me for what I had done to her. She would let me suffer her vindictive tortures, because she wanted me to see her award the prize at the game's end.
Moaning on the floor with Lygdus pressing his hand to my lips to stop me heaving up the sheets, I knew what Livia's prize was.
But I could not guess who would win it.
The two of them fled.
Burrus took Nilla's hand in his and dragged her from the terrace and into the moonlit garden even before Julilla's screaming had stopped and Little Boots had ceased his manic laughter. He dragged Nilla through the flowers with the sounds of Drusilla's sobbing still in his ears, and when the beds became hedges and the shrubs became trees, he dragged her through the undergrowth and would not let her stop to catch her breath even when she struck him in her hysteria and tried to bite his hand.
The garden became a wood, and still Burrus dragged her along by the hand, lost and directionless, until they came upon a path. There he held her by the shoulders as she wept and shook. When she began to retch, he turned away, but still he held her by the ankle as she sank to the ground, choking in the leaves. Burrus would not let her return to that place of obscenity. He would not let her go back for her sisters. He would not let her pleas break his heart. All that mattered was that she was spared, she whom he loved more than life.