Burchill, a well-known British columnist added: “It means they incorporate all the base elements of femaleness: they want to be the thinnest girl, get the best boy, and have a better outfit.” Her observation suggests a number of spin-offs, including, “Never trust a man who says, ‘I’m a man’s man.’ ”
Never trust a man who parts his name on the side.HERB CAEN, on J. Edgar Hoover
Never trust a skinny ice cream man.BEN COHEN
In 1978, Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield, childhood friends from Long Island, cofounded the Vermont-based Ben & Jerry’s ice cream company. Cohen’s motto was undoubtedly inspired by the familiar culinary quotation, “Never trust a skinny cook.” The message behind the skinny chef line, which first appeared in the mid–1970s, is that food prepared by such a chef is so bad that even the chef refuses to eat it. Joan Rivers also offered a spin-off when she said, “Never trust an ugly plastic surgeon.”
Never trust a man who speaks well of everybody.JOHN CHURTON COLLINS
Never trust a man who,
when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, doesn’t try it on.BILLY CONNOLLY, in Gullible’s Travels (1983)
Never trust a man with short legs—brains too near their bottoms.NOËL COWARD, from his 1935 play Red Peppers
Never Trust a Naked Bus DriverJACK DOUGLAS, title of 1960 book
Douglas was one of the best-known gag writers of his era, writing for Jack Paar (for more than twelve years), Bob Hope, Red Skelton, Jimmy Durante, and George Gobel. His 1959 My Brother Was an Only Child was the best-selling humor book of the year.
Never trust a man who says, “Don’t struggle.”JENNY ECLAIR, from her comedy routine
Never trust a man who, within five minutes of meeting you,
tells you where he went to college.ESQUIRE MAGAZINE EDITORS, in The Rules:
A Man’s Guide to Life (2005)
Other Esquire rules for men appear in other chapters of this book, but here we feature the best of their never trust rules:
Never trust a man with two first names.
Never trust a man named after a body part.
Never trust a man who uses nautical metaphors.
Never trust an act of civil disobedience led by a disc jockey.
Never trust a man who owns a video of his middle school musical.
Never Trust a Man Who Doesn’t DrinkW. C. FIELDS, title of a 1971 anthology
of Fields’s quotations
Never trust a woman who says she likes football
until she demonstrates the ability to eat a plate of hot wings clean.JESSE FROEHLING, citing an adage
This appeared in a Seattle Weekly profile of thirty-two-year-old Elise Woodward, the only female host at KJR, Seattle’s all-sports radio station. Froehling, who concluded from his research that Woodward was a “guy’s gal” who could be trusted, titled his article: “A Fabulous Sports Babe Who’s Actually a Babe.”
Never Trust a Cat Who Wears EarringsDAN GREENBURG, title of 1997 book
Never trust a man who says, “I just want you to be happy.”KIM GRUENENFELDER, in her 2009
novel A Total Waste of Makeup
In advice to her great-grandniece, the novel’s protagonist added: “What he really means is ‘I just want you to be happy—so I can get whatever it is that will make me happy.’ ”
Love your country, but never trust its government.ROBERT A. HEINLEIN, widely attributed, but not verified
Never trust a man’s patriotism who talks loudly in politics.FREEMAN HUNT, in an 1842 essay
Never trust a man unless you’ve got his pecker in your pocket.LYNDON B. JOHNSON
Never trust a smiling reporter.EDWARD KOCH
Never trust a man who combs his hair straight from his left armpit.ALICE ROOSEVELT LONGWORTH, on Douglas MacArthur
Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office.SHIRLEY MACLAINE
Never trust a weeping man.DOUG MARLETTE
Marlette offered this thought in a 1993 Esquire magazine issue on “60 Things Every Man Should Know.” His point was that, in an age of psychobabble and talk-show therapy, genuine feeling has been replaced by disingenuous and inauthentic displays of emotion.
Never trust a person with margarine in their fridge.JOYCE MAYNARD, from a character
in her 2003 novel The Usual Rules
Never trust a woman who says she isn’t angry.ANDREW MCCARTHY, as Kevin Dolenz,
in the 1985 film St. Elmo’s Fire
“Never Trust a Woman”BRENT MYDLAND, title of song on Grateful Dead album
Dozin’ at the Knick (recorded in 1990, released in 1996)
Mydland was the fourth—and longest-serving—keyboardist to play with the Grateful Dead. He joined the group in 1979 and remained until his death in 1990. The key lyric of the song went this way:
Never trust a woman who wears her pants too tight,
She might love you tomorrow, but she’ll be gone tomorrow night.
Never trust a sanctimonious lawyer.PETER A. OLSSON
Never trust a man who raves about fresh-cooked vegetables.P. J. O’ROURKE
Never trust a person who has or thinks he has a cause to dislike you.
He will surely stick you in the back.GEORGE S. PATTON
Never trust a man who speaks ill of his mother.ENGLISH PROVERB
I found this proverb in The Salt-Cellars, an 1889 collection of sayings compiled by the American clergyman C. H. Spurgeon. He added this explanatory note: “He must be base at heart. If he turns on her that bore him, he will turn on you sooner or later.” A similar English proverb goes this way: “Never trust a man who speaks ill of his wife.”
The proverbs of many nations and regions have begun with the words never trust. Here are a few of the best, along with their likely place of origin:
Never trust a man a dog doesn’t like.(American)
Never trust a fool with a sword.(Arab)
Never trust a woman with a man’s voice.(French)
Never trust a woman who mentions her virtue.(French)
Never trust a man you have injured.(Spanish)
Never trust the man who tells you all his troubles
but keeps from you all his joys.(Yiddish)