What the hell am I doing? The sex is incredible, but this can’t be a good idea. It can’t be.
“Fuck,” I muttered to myself.
“Hmm?” He turned toward me, eyebrows lifting.
I cleared my throat and shook my head. “Nothing, nothing.”
He smiled and rolled onto his side, propping himself up on one elbow. “You know, I wasn’t sure you’d show up tonight.” His smile was somewhere between shy and sly, as if he’d been uncertain, but still somehow knew I’d be here.
I probably shouldn’t have. “I had a feeling you’d make it worth my while,” I said.
“I hope I did.”
“Very much so.” Which doesn’t change the fact that I shouldn’t be here at all.
The silence lingered between us. He avoided my eyes. I avoided his. There were uncomfortable, unanswered questions in the air.
There was no sense dancing around the topic, so I went ahead and broke the ice. “So, now what?”
Exhaling, Nathan sat up and shrugged. “Fuck if I know. Though I think I could use a smoke.” He swung his legs over the bed and reached for his jeans, then the Zippo lighter on the nightstand.
I grabbed my own jeans off the floor and followed him downstairs. We went outside onto his patio.
He snapped the lighter open, held it to his cigarette, and from inside his cupped hand, the amber glow flickered across his stubbled jaw. With a single, quick motion, the flame was cut off and he put the lighter in his pocket as he took a long drag.
“I thought you were just a nervous smoker,” I said.
He turned his head slightly so that the smoke he exhaled didn’t blow in my face, but he still looked at me. “I am.”
“I’m not making you nervous, am I?”
He laughed and shook his head, pausing to take another drag. “But after sex that hot-” He gestured with the cigarette and winked.
“Can’t blame you,” I said, smiling. “I’m half-tempted to have one myself.” He held the pack of cigarettes out, but I waved it away. “Quit a few years ago.”
“Good man.” He took another drag and slid the pack into his back pocket. “I actually don’t smoke as much as I used to.” Turning his head again, he blew out a stream of smoke into the cool evening air. “Down from three packs a day to one or two packs a week, but…” He raised the cigarette to his lips again. “Just can’t quite let it go.”
“I hear that. Took me almost four years before I finally managed to quit.”
“What can I say?” His smile faded slightly and he lowered his voice as he met my eyes. “I’ve never been great at giving up anything I should.”
I wondered if he meant the cigarettes, Jake, or me. Maybe all three. “So do you think this-” I gestured at him, then myself. “-is something you should give up?”
“Probably,” he said matter-of-factly and with no hesitation. Then he shrugged. “But that doesn’t mean I will. For the same reason that I haven’t let go of the smokes.”
I swallowed. “And that is?”
“Good or bad…” He took a long drag, then let out a breath. “I like it.”
Oh, you’re not alone there, Nathan. “So if you wanted to give it up, you could?”
“I can quit any time I want to.” He grinned and snuffed out his cigarette in an ashtray beside the sliding glass door. Then he put a hand on my waist and pulled me toward him. Kissing my neck, he whispered, “I just don’t want to.” His hand snaked around to my lower back. “That’s why I came to the theatre today.” He flicked his tongue across my collarbone, then growled, “For another taste of something I know I shouldn’t have.”
I shivered, but he wasn’t done yet.
“Ever since the other night, I haven’t been able to get you out of my head.” He kissed his way up my neck. “I know I should be losing my mind over Jake, but all I can think of is you.”
Then we have something in common, don’t we? I swallowed. “Really?”
He nodded, his lips brushing just below my jaw. “I don’t care if this is just sex, if it’s just a rebound thing,” he said. “But I needed to know what it was like to be with you because I wanted you, not because I was angry at him.”
On some level, I expected myself to get righteously indignant at his admission that last time was about anger and revenge, but wasn’t that exactly why I’d slept with him?
“And I don’t care,” he said just before he kissed me, “if this is a bad idea.”
Something sank in my gut. “But you think it is a bad idea?”
“I think it could get complicated,” he said. “I think we’re both in an odd position. I really don’t know if it’s a good idea.” He lifted his head and looked at me. “What do you think?”
I shrugged. “Fuck if I know. Everything about this is weird. Surreal.”
“I’ll give you that,” he said, grinning. “I’ve done a lot of things in my life, but I can honestly say that this is a first.”
“And I really don’t know if it’s something we should do.” Then I laughed. “But damn if you’re not fucking addictive.”
“Well, not all addictions are a bad thing.” He smiled and slid a hand around my waist. “Maybe it’s what we both need. You know, a rebound thing.”
“It doesn’t bother you to have rebound sex with the man your boyfriend was cheating with?”
He shrugged. “It probably should, but I can’t get past the fact that you are one hot fuck.” His fingers drifted up my back, their gentle touch pulling me closer to him. “Hell, right or wrong, I can see why Jake was with you.”
I blinked. “What?”
He grinned and put his other hand on my face, drawing me into a long kiss. “He was a fucking bastard for cheating,” he whispered. “But I can definitely see the attraction.”
I smiled into his kiss. “Likewise.”
He let the kiss linger for a moment, then looked at me and ran his fingers through my hair. “Maybe we can get away with this.”
“Get away with it?”
He smiled and shrugged. “Why not? As long as we don’t have any illusions about what this is-a rebound, just a fling to get us both over him-then, hell, what’s the harm?”
“Good point.”
He kissed me gently. Then his smile fell a little, as did his voice. “I’ll be honest with you, though. Trust is not my strong point.” He paused, looking away for a second. “Especially given how we…” Another pause. He cleared his throat. “How this got started.”
“Nathan, you don’t really think-”
“I know, I know.” He sighed and nodded. “And I…” He took a long breath, but didn’t look at me. “I believe you. That you, you know, that you didn’t know about me.”
“Then you have no reason not to trust me.”
He hesitated, then nodded again. “You’re right. You’re absolutely right.” He chewed his lip for a second. “But I just figured I should give you fair warning. You know, in the interest of full disclosure.”
I grinned. “How did you know that talking to me in legalese turned me on?”
His cheeks darkened and he laughed. “Maybe I’ll have to bring some of my legal texts to bed then. I can read them to you in between fucking the hell out of you.” Spoken in jest or not, the promise to fuck me sent a ripple of electricity down my spine. He winked. “I’m sure you wouldn’t object to that.”
“Well, we can skip the part about legal texts,” I said.
He kissed me and murmured, “As long as we don’t skip the part where I fuck the hell out of you.”
“Absolutely not.” I gave him a playful grin. “So does this arrangement mean we just meet at each other’s places to fuck? Or are you actually willing to be seen in public with me?”
He shrugged. “I’d fuck you in public.”
Rolling my eyes, I said, “You know what I mean.”