On the Night of the Seventh Moon

“I know everything is against it, but it is clear in my mind as it ever was. And I believe it always will be.”

She nodded.

“And I believe that is what Dr. Carlsberg would wish.” She paused for a moment.

“Helena, I want you to know that as soon as you wish to go I shall take you back. Will you see Dr. Carlsberg once more?

I should like you to see him before you go. “

I hesitated. I felt a sudden revulsion for the man which I had not felt before. It was wrong. He had been kind to me; he had, according to himself. Ilse and Ernst, saved my reason. Yet I did not want to see him again. I wondered whether if I had faced the truth in the first place I might not have been better able to cope with the situation. Bluntly, I had been assaulted in the most cruel and brutal way. If I had come back that night knowing this, how should I have reacted? I was not sure. But there was one thing of which I was certain. The man whom I had met on the Night of the Seventh Moon was the same one who had found me in the mist. If he had been the cruel ravisher of that night would he have hesitated when I was in his lodge? I thought of the door handle slowly turning. The door was bolted. But would that have been any real deterrent to a man determined to have his way?

If they had let me face the truth I believed I would have done so with courage. I could not believe I had nearly lost my reason. I had been frivolous and impulsive, but never hysterical. How could I be sure what I would have been like suffering under such an outrage? We do not really know ourselves and it is only when we face a crisis that unexpected facets of our characters are betrayed.

Ilse went on: “I should feel so relieved if he could see you as an ordinary physician this time. I know that he greatly wishes it and I should like to have his advice about your going home.”

I said I would see him, and she wrote to him that day. His reply came.

He would be with us in two days’ time.

I had had a few more dizzy spells on rising and I was wondering if I was going to be ill. Ilse asked how I was solicitously every morning; she seemed very concerned.

“I think I ought to get home soon,” I said.

“Everything will be different then.”

I was thinking that if Maximilian had really married me he would have come to claim me by now. Each passing day was confirmation that the marriage had never taken place.

If I could get away I would perhaps forget. Home seemed so remote from all that happened; so presumably when I was home, this would be remote.

I could start again.

I wrote to Aunt Caroline and Mrs. Greville to tell them I should be coming home shortly. The evenings I had spent at the Grevilles’ house had been the most enjoyable of that period. I remembered how amused I had been because of their admiration for Anthony and how Anthony talking above our heads had a pleasant way of assuming that we understood. It was all so cosy. The last word I could apply to this place; and I was beginning to see the virtues of that cosiness from which I had wanted to escape.

Dr. Carlsberg came as arranged. I was in the little garden when he arrived and did not hear him come. He must have been with Ilse for a quarter of an hour when I walked into the house and found him there.

When he saw me his face lit up with pleasure. He rose and took both my hands in his.

“How are you?” he asked.

When I told him that I felt I was getting back to normal he smiled with pleasure and gratification. Ilse left us together and he wanted to know every detail of what had happened. What dreams had I had? Had I suffered from nightmares? Every little item seemed of the utmost importance to him.

Then he asked about my physical health and I told him that I often felt unwell on rising.

He said he would like to examine me. Would I agree?

I did.

I shall never forget what followed. It was one of the most dramatic moments in my life.

“I have to tell you that you are to have a child,” he said.

TWO

I was deeply moved by the manner in which Ilse received the news. She was stricken with horror and dismay.

“Oh God!” she cried.

“This is terrible.”

I found myself comforting her, for to tell the truth I could only feel exultation. I was to have a child-his child. I was not mad. He had existed. From the moment I realized this I started to emerge from the depth of my unhappiness.

My own child! I did not think of the difficulties which must inevitably lie ahead simply because I could see nothing beyond the wonder of having our child.

I knew then that deep in my heart I must always believe that Maximilian had loved me; I could not associate him with a criminal in the forest; the prospect of bearing his child could do nothing but fill me with a fierce exhilaration.

When the doctor had gone Ilse said to me: “Helena, do you realize what this means?”

“Yes, I do.” I could not help it if my delight was obvious. I possessed what my father had called a mercurial temperament.

“Up and down,” said my mother.

“Irresponsible,” Aunt Caroline called it. And I was sure Ilse thought me odd and illogical. I had been sunk in depression when I had had every chance of putting an ugly incident behind me and starting a new life; and now that would be impossible because there would be a living reminder. I was rejoicing. I couldn’'t help it. The wonder of having a child subdued all else.

“This is shattering,” said Ilse at length.

“That this should have happened as well as everything else ! What can we do now? You can’t go back to England. Helena, have you thought of what this is going to mean?”

But all I could think was: I am going to have a child.

“We must be practical,” she warned me.

“Can you go back to your aunts and tell them that you are going to have a child? What will they say?

You would be disgraced. They might not even receive you. If I wrote to them and told them what had happened . No, they would never understand. You will have to stay here until the child is born. It’s the only way. Yes, we shall have to arrange that. “

I had to confess I had not given much consideration to the months between only the arrival of the child. I should like a boy but I would not think about that until it came. If it were a girl I should not wish her to think that I was not completely delighted with her.

But I was right. I must try to be practical. What was I going to do?

How was I going to keep a child, educate it, bring it up in the best possible way? It would have no father. And what should I do while I waited for the child to be born?

The first exultation had passed.

Ilse seemed to have come to a decision.

“You must stay with us, Helena, and I shall look after you. I shall never forgive myself for going out that night without Ernst and then losing you in the crowd. Yes, we will arrange something. You’ll be all right. You can trust us.”

She seemed to have grown calmer; the first horror had passed and characteristically she was making plans.

The first feeling of triumphant joy had passed. I had had a glimpse of how I should have felt if I had been truly married to Maximilian and he had been with me so that we could have shared the joy of prospective parenthood. I asked myself if there was not something I could do to find him. He was the father of my child. Yet what could I do? If I talked this over with Ilse I would see that sad, patient look come into her face. I had given up trying to make her understand that no matter what evidence they showed me I could never believe that I had dreamed my life with Maximilian. I began to make wild plans. I would travel the country looking ‘for him. I would call at every house seeking information concerning him. Now that I was going to have a child I must find him.