What an indescribable pleasure it is - to feel oneself great! Higher, more mature, more worthy, more just, more believing, more devout than the majority of your colleagues. That’s why you come here for prayer after yet another business day so often. You ask the God to save your pure soul and banish to hell the souls of all your enemies. And then you gild the hand of your favorite priest a bit. Certainly, you are not totally confident that God indeed do listen to similar prayers, and that was indeed He who have helped you make a fortune through deceit and robberies, but … whether a temple can be a place of worshipping neither the God, but his rival instead? Bless you, well, certainly no! They are investing such amounts of money into these temples for a reason, right?
Oh, what a convenient thing it is - money! A universal remedy of purchasing, even, for example, that very prayer. Indeed, you had to pay quite an impressive sum in due time, but all church’s brotherhood along with is head were praying for the peace of soul of your mother-in-law. For the soul of a woman so hated by you that must have been quite an enchanting resting in peace! Now the main thing you must do is to avoid such rest yourself.
You are beyond doubt an extremely devout personality. Always you do buy Easter cakes with eggs and comply with the Orthodox position. Drink “holy” water from the local church. Buy candles exclusively in correctly affiliated and licensed temples. You have even joined an all-church orgies a few times when parishioners together with priests were howling some hymn. And thanks to the accurate observance of a post you even lost three kilograms of body weight from those thirty which you have accumulated during a last year. Such is it, the essence of your true belief! And whether is it possible for a belief to have another essence and goal?
Take your unloved brother, for instance, - never did he visit church and doesn’t concern himself with business at all. Works as some pity unskilled worker in buildings construction - and feels himself quite happy. How surprisingly little do some men need to be happy! Lives his own life along with a wife and two children in one-room apartment. And during a meeting - just unbelievable! - each time in conversation thanks God that He has given him a lovely wife, job and two wonderful kiddies in addition. And somehow he even mentioned that he prefers not to believe, but to trust a God in his life. What a silly fanatic … extremist! Probably, that’s the main reason why you have definitely broken all relations with him a couple of years ago. You have no need for faithless religious fanatics with all their nonsenses, right?
And nonsenses happen at times - even absurd do. Recently you heard on the TV how during strong thunder-storms lightning did accurately hit the tops of several city churches, but … a mere accident, yeah? And what is a life if not a casual and accidental thing? As well as death, probably. For they certainly cannot too be in the hands of God, right?
Surely, you are the very incarnation of a devout individual, for along with other similar ones you keep parasitizing on God and believe that worshipping a golden calf is the worshipping of the One, whose hidden presence in your life you never did have a chance to feel …
21.08.2011
Сhurch pricelist
Every well-educated priest, considering himself a natural follower of True Belief, after having consumed this manuscript is obliged to start spitting with shit streams and to anathematize the author without any doubt ever possible. You were not afraid to anathematize L.Tolstoy in due time, after all. We will note, however, that this act of yours has prevented neither the L.Tolstoy, nor the author from fulfilling their goals.
- Greetings, greetings, Vladimir ! How is your edition living ?
- Lives remarkably, just remarkably, Voldemar! We have recently found next sensational, or so to speak, stuff !
- What, again something about 2012, yeah ? All of this our readers already passed by, listened to and did not hear and still remained unprepared so, I am afraid, they will not even care.
- Better, way better, Voldemar! We have at last personally beheld slogans of servants of Sly One, calling themselves no lesser than followers of true belief !
- What, have you again uncovered some god-forsaken sect or the like ?
- Well … I guess it’s possible to say so, too. Veeeeery huge sect, you know. With a world, or so to say, name.
- Errrmm, I’m deeply sorry, I am just this-that, well, as they say, me not understands you.
- It’s just that easy, Voldemar ! Just look at what sort of writings we have found on the doors of their, heck, shrines …
* * *
1. Reproductions of bones of orthodox sacred from the enlightened Benedict and Gucci!
Pinch of ashes : 1 silver coin.
The decayed hair : 2 silver coins.
Nail, reduced by half : 4 silver coins.
Phalanx of a median finger : 6 silver coins.
Fragile rib : 15 silver coins.
Skull : 30 silver coins.
The action “Now and then … twenty five again!”: order doubled quantity of copies of any type at a discount of 25 %!
P.S. Don’t call us necrophilists. Call us – relics-knowers !
2. Holy water on your taste and color! Water - is a source of vital force and longevity!
Holy water distilled classical : 1 silver coin.
Holy water distilled over-blessed lay-on-handed : 3 silver coins.
The most holy water all-churched silvered : 7 silver coins.
His Holiness Alex's urine, personally blessed : 30 silver coins.
The action “Gimme two!” : till the End of Times only: order the doubled quantity of Alex’s urine at the same price of 30 silver coins!
P.S. Ah, my water, you are good! For us all it’s holy food!
3. This church’s blessing and damnation – weapons of purification ! Bless will you we – it is the tooth, and your enemies we’ll curse !
Blessing of a single parishioner of the 1st level : 2 silver coins.
Blessing of a single parishioner by the head of Church : 5 silver coins.
Blessing of a group of parishioners : 10 silver coins. Attention: the quantity of blest souls is limited by the church’s physical capacity of their bodies.
Damnation of a single parishioner’s foe of the 1st level : 1 silver coin.
Damnation of a single parishioner’s foe by the head of Church : 3 silver coins.
Massive damnation of group of foes : 8 silver coins. Attention: the quantity of the damned cannot exceed all population of a planet, minus the quantity of those damning and asking for it.
Massive damnation of group of foes with illuminations and the ends of the world : 30 silver coins.
The action “Refer a friend” : Bring us any new unique parishioner for blessing, and receive a discount of 50 % on a damnation of your foe! Period of validity: exclusively till the end of 2012.