All he wanted to do was give her what she wanted somehow. “Would you prefer the financial products team? That’s where Ledger Lite is. It’s dialed in, though. Not much need for creativity, so I’m not sure you’d like that…”
He babbled on about the other teams, giving her details he shouldn’t be sharing with an employee-anything to help her feel better about the situation.
“You never considered me. I can’t believe it. And nothing I can show you will change that?”
“I know your talents, Candy. You didn’t need to scheme with Ellie to show me.”
“It wasn’t a scheme. It was a demonstration.” Now she was getting angry. “It’s because of my reputation, isn’t it? Because everyone thinks I play around too much.”
“Of course not.” He stopped, realizing there was some truth to her point. “It is true that if you were to become a team leader, we’d have to deal with staff perceptions about you, but that’s not the point. The point is-”
“And what are those perceptions? That I’m a party girl? That I’m not serious about work?”
“That’s not the issue.”
“The issue is that you don’t respect me, Matt.”
“Of course I respect you. I respect you too much to put you in a position where you can’t shine. Why would you even want that?”
“Because I want to get ahead, dammit. I want to move to the next level. But you respect me too much to do that for me, right?” Her words dripped with sarcasm.
“I can’t, Candy. It’s not right for you or for SyncUp. I want to make you happy, believe me, I do. I love you.”
“Then give me the job. That’s what will make me happy. If you love-” She stopped herself, as if shocked at what she’d been about to say and what he’d actually suggested-giving her the job because he cared about her.
“That’s exactly why you can’t give it to me, isn’t it? We’re sleeping together. You can’t promote me even if you wanted to. And you don’t even want to.” Her voice caught.
“Candy,” he said softly, not liking her train of thought at all. “I can’t give you a job that’s not right for you. Our sleeping together has nothing to do with that.”
She stared at him, her eyes full of accusation, her face full of anguish. “You’re wrong, Matt,” she said softly. “It has everything to do with it.”
She stared at him and he felt the ground shift beneath his feet. They’d agreed not to think through the implications of their affair or of falling in love, but that had been foolish, he saw now. He hadn’t been himself. He’d been lost in the fog of being Fun Guy. And that, he saw clearly for the first time, had been a big mistake. Somehow, he had to fix it for Candy. He had no right to drag her down because he’d been an irresponsible ass.
14
THEIR SLEEPING TOGETHER changed everything, Candy saw now. She felt as though she’d been yanked awake, blinking into the dark, her heart pounding, as hard reality replaced her soft and silly dreams.
She’d practically said it right out: If you love me, give me the job. How sick was that? Maybe at an unconscious level she had believed that having sex with Matt-getting closer to him, anyway-would ensure her promotion, or at least allow him to see her in a more positive light.
Even if she’d never had that awful idea, even if she had earned the promotion, how could Matt promote a lover, no matter how talented? It just wouldn’t look right.
But that was a moot point, since he didn’t consider her capable of the job. All her efforts to fix her reputation with him had failed.
This was all wrong, all terrible. She dug her nails into her palms to keep from crying. She didn’t know which bad angle to examine first.
“Don’t catastrophize, Candy. Our being together makes things complicated, but we can figure it out.” She could see he was flailing for a solution, but his eyes told her he knew it was hopeless, too.
“How? Just because we want to keep the personal separate from the professional doesn’t mean we can.”
He looked at her, letting her words sink in.
“How could we behave normally at SyncUp? How could you evaluate my performance? You’d be too strict or too lenient, and I’d wonder which and why. And what would people think? They would find out, you know. It’s inevitable. And I hate the idea of them gossiping about how we got together and why and what it means.”
“We’ll handle it,” he said stubbornly, but she could see he was as troubled as she was. “Day by day.”
“And when we break up? How will that be?”
“You expect us to break up?” Matt asked.
“People do. What makes us special? What do we have in common really? Sex and our taste in junk food. You said yourself, you need common goals and a routine to stay together. We’d drive each other crazy, disappoint each other over and over. Of course we’d break up.” She stopped, feeling hysterical, crazed. So hurt and disappointed and scared she didn’t know what to do.
“You’re giving up before we’ve even started,” he said. “Look, you’re hurt about the team leader thing. Okay…” He swallowed hard, breathing raggedly. “What if I assigned acting managers. I could put together teams on a temporary basis. You could try it out and if it didn’t work, no harm done. I’d make the permanent appointments and no one would be the wiser. I think I could sell that to Scott-”
“Stop it, Matt.” She hated that he was trying to appease her this way. “You can’t give me the job to soothe my feelings. You wouldn’t do this for anyone else and you know it. Let’s cut to the chase. Isn’t that what you prefer? Our relationship is a mistake. It wrecks everything.” She jumped to her feet.
He stood, too. “What are you saying?”
“That it’s over. We’re done. We should have stuck with the original deal. This is all wrong. I have to go. Tell Ellie and Sara I’m sorry, but I can’t stay for the party.” Her heart felt as if it might explode. She turned and began to run.
“Candy!” Matt called, but he didn’t follow her and she was glad. Being with him had been a mistake. She’d been weak and stupid and now everything was so much worse.
She’d never had a chance at the promotion. That made her feel physically ill. Worse, she’d have to go back to SyncUp and work with Matt.
There were good reasons for those no-sex-in-the-workplace rules, all right. Every time she saw him, the pain would hit again. The pain and the disappointment.
How could she even stay at SyncUp, knowing Matt didn’t take her seriously? Would the word get out that she’d been turned down? Would word get out about their affair? Would it show in their faces? How could she ever hold her head up again?
On top of all that, she was breaking up with the man she loved. This was pure agony. She had to escape somehow, stop the pain or delay it until she was in better shape or something.
“Hey, you’re going the wrong way, lady.” Carter called to her from a few yards away, Radar at his heels. “The party’s in that direction.” He pointed behind her.
“I’m not up for a party right now,” she said. “I’m feeling too blue.” The understatement of the century.
“Blue, huh? Then what you need is a martini to match your mood at WHIM SIM. Better yet, a bunch of us are playing darts for shots. You can be on my team.”
“Darts, huh?” She liked darts. She liked Carter, too. He was the kind of fun-loving guy she always went for, back when she’d been content to be who she was, not struggling to get all serious and work-obsessed.
Radar whined up at her, but he sounded more anxious than eager for her to join them.
“Do you get festival points?” At least she could earn something for the competition to help her friends.
“Yeah, I guess. I think I saw that posted.”
“Then let’s go,” she said. “We’re wasting time and blue booze.”
“Girl after my own heart.” Carter slung a friendly arm around her shoulder and led her toward the bar. She tried to smile, but it hurt. She was grateful for the distraction, for the escape of noise and liquor and laughter.