I’m sorry, Jack. So fucking sorry.
“Ev, Paige just got here.” Jessica grabbed her bag and came over to my desk. “I’m going to the bank now to make the deposit, in case you guys need some privacy.”
I nodded at her. “Thanks, Jess. How . . . does she look okay?” My stomach sank when she grimaced in reply.
“I’ll be back in a bit.” The clicking of Jessica’s heels faded and she said something to Paige before she headed out the door. I raked my hands over my scalp and braced myself.
“Hey.” I lifted my head to look at the woman I loved, now just a shell of herself. It’d been a little over two weeks since I stormed out of her apartment, yet I hardly recognized her.
Paige’s face was pale and gaunt. Her eyes were sunken and rimmed with dark circles. She looked as though she hadn’t slept or eaten in God knew how long. How could this happen so fast? How did I not notice? I knew she was sick, and had the bad feeling it was something serious, but I figured she would tell me if she found out she was really ill. We were partners in everything; why did she cut me off like this?
“Thanks for coming in.” Paige nodded at me as she made her way into the office and took her laptop out of the bag. She made sure to keep her gaze on anything else in the room but me. The office was so quiet, her shallow and labored breaths were so loud they were distracting.
She moved around as if she were in some kind of daze. It seemed to be a struggle for her to stand upright. Her hands shook as she typed on the keyboard and showed me the flyers she designed.
“I can make more if you want. You should be able to take the files on the flash drive to print at Kinko’s. If you want to make this an ad, I just have to resize it before you send it along to the pub.” Her voice quivered as she spoke, as if being in my presence was killing her.
“No this is great, Da–, Paige. Thank you.” She winced as if she’d been smacked across the face at my slip. This wasn’t a woman who didn’t love me, and needed time alone. The pull between us was as powerful as always. I gazed at the woman I loved more than life, who was now a sick and timid girl afraid to get too close to me. Whatever her real issue was, it wasn’t that I was smothering her. She needed me, I could feel it, but was holding herself back.
“Anything you need, just let me know.”
“So you can still be my designer, just not be with me anymore. Why, Paige? Why are you doing this?”
She let out a long sigh and ran her fingers through her hair. “I told you why. Please, let’s not have this same discussion again.”
I folded my arms and leaned back on my desk as I glared at her. “And I think you’re completely full of shit. Something is going on that you don’t want me to know about. That’s why you pushed me away.”
I couldn’t take it anymore. I grabbed her by the nape of her neck and crashed my lips against hers. She stiffened as she pushed against my chest to let her go, but then went limp in my arms. Paige clutched the back of my head as she moaned into my mouth. My body craved her so badly it shook. We broke apart panting, but I wouldn’t let go. I grabbed her face and pressed my forehead against hers.
“Come back to me. Whatever it is, we can handle it together. Please, Daisy. I love you. I miss you so fucking much. Let me take care of you.”
Tears flowed down her face as her jaw trembled. Everything I felt was reflected in her eyes—the anguish, the frustration, and the need. How the hell did we get here? When did we go from lovers and best friends to the strangers we were today?
“I’m sorry. I can’t. That was a mistake.” She turned to leave but I grabbed her upper arms to make her face me. It chilled me to the bone how thin and frail she felt under my fingertips.
“Can’t what? I can tell how sick you are; you look awful. When was the last time you ate something? I know something is wrong. I’m not the idiot you’re hoping I am.”
Paige grimaced as she pushed me away. “Awful . . . wow, thanks. Look, I can’t stay here. Text me if you need anything else.”
“Shit, Paige. I didn’t mean it that way. You’re the most beautiful woman in the world. That will never change. But I know something is wrong. Why can’t you just tell me?” She shoved her computer away as she rushed for the door. I grabbed her wrist and we locked eyes right before Jessica came back into the office.
“Sorry, I can come back and give you guys some—”
“No,” Paige tried to stifle a coughing fit but had to hold onto the edge of the desk until it stopped. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand as she sped across my tiny office. Her jog slowed down to a pronounced limp. Jesus, she couldn’t even run away from me like she wanted. Her body was that fucking weak. “I was just leaving. Bye, Evan.” Her eyes came back to mine for a moment but quickly darted away.
“Bye, Daisy.” She staggered a minute as she turned to glare at me. She could squirm out of my hold as much as she wanted. That was my way of telling Paige that she was still mine. And I wasn’t giving up.
By some miracle I was able to drive with my hands shaking and still see the road well enough through my tears to get home. I should’ve never gone to see him. It was all still too raw. When Evan kissed me, I almost couldn’t take it. Having him so close to me, his body pressed up against mine and trembling in my arms, it was too much.
My lips were still swollen from our brief but voracious kiss. I almost told him, but was happy I stopped myself. Well, happy wasn’t the word I would use. The short period I’d been away from Evan had been miserable. I missed him so much; how he looked at me, how he always gave me everything—his love, his attention. Life without him was unbearable.
Every joint in my body was yelling at me, and my chest and ribs ached from coughing so much. The warmth of the summer sun beat down on me through my window, but I was headed to bed. What else was there to do?
Loud banging on my door made me jump. My bell rang over and over again. I was way too tired to deal with Evan again. I barely had the strength the first time.
“Paige Alexandria, so help me, I will call your landlord and have him break this fucking door down.” My side window shook as my mother pounded on that, too. I’d been able to avoid her for the past couple of weeks by saying I was working odd hours and too tired to stop over. I made up an excuse last week why I couldn’t go to a family dinner at my aunt and uncle’s, but since then my mother hadn’t stopped. She called constantly, all day long. I kept trying to buy myself more time. My mother always caught up to me, no matter what. She was a force I couldn’t fight, even when I was healthy.
“Coming!” I lumbered over to the door, wiping the wetness off my face. I could hear Jack laughing at me. I was the world’s shittiest liar. I never cheated on a test, never called in sick to work if I really wasn’t, or stole anything. Keeping lupus a secret from everyone in my family for this long was impressive according to my track record.
I barely got the door open before my mother pushed her way through it. Ellie followed her in, pursing her lips at me.
“To what do I owe the pleasure of this lovely visit, Mother?” I plopped down on the couch and folded my arms.