My mother’s nostrils flared as she glowered at me. Even Ellie huffed and shook her head.
“Don’t get smart with me. What the hell is going on? You’re skin and bones, don’t leave the house anymore, not even for work, and you pulled away from everyone. Evan called Ellie after you left his office today. He’s a wreck over you. That boy loves you and you tossed him away like garbage. You haven’t seen your godson in weeks, and I get a five minute phone call that ends with you rushing me off the phone. I’m going to ask you once. Are you sick, on drugs or what?”
My brow furrowed as I glared at my mother. “No, Mom. I’m not on drugs. How could you even think that?”
“Paige, it crossed my mind a couple of times, too.” My head jerked in Ellie’s direction and she shrugged. “You haven’t been you in a very long time. It’s been gradual, but I’d say over the past couple of months you made a total one-eighty. We’re your family. We love you. Evan loves you. Just please . . . tell us. You don’t just have a weak immune system, do you?”
I rubbed my eyes. I couldn’t run anymore. I didn’t want to worry my family, but didn’t want them to think I was acting this way on purpose.
“I have lupus. I’ve known since my first appointment with Dr. Stephens. I have sores down my throat that have gotten so bad I can’t eat without it being painful. My joints are on fire, even with the new pain medicine. I have fluid in my lungs so I’m seeing a pulmonologist, and now Dr. Stephens has found issues with my kidneys. I was told not to have children until when the flare I’m having subsides—and that may never happen. But if my kidneys are affected, I probably can’t have children at all. Plus, lots of times lupus can make the kidneys fail. So, having kids would be a moot point if, you know, I’m dead.”
For the first time in my life, my mother was completely speechless.
Ellie clutched her chest as she tiptoed over to the couch and sat next to me. She pulled my hand from my lap and held it in hers.
“Why didn’t you tell any of us? Why did you make yourself go through all of this alone?”
I shrugged. Why did I do that? “It started out as not wanting anyone to panic, then I waited to get it under control before I said anything. But it only got much worse, and by then it was too late; I’d lied for too long. We all just lost Jack. I couldn’t put the family through another agonizing illness. I figured it was just easier to handle it myself.”
“How stupid could you possibly be?” My mother shook her head as she rubbed my knee. I smiled through tears of relief. I needed my tough mother now, and realized how scared I’d been without her to yell and protect me. “You deserve our concern just as much as Jack did. Oh, cookie . . .” Her jaw trembled as her voice trailed off. My mother never cried, and seeing her tears only made me want to join her. She cleared her throat and scooted closer to me.
“Why Evan, baby? You love each other so much. Why did you push him away?”
“Because I love him. He’s lived his life for everyone else since he was fifteen. He takes care of a father who treats him like shit and he dropped everything to run back here to help Jack. All he wants is his own family. If he knew the truth, he would sacrifice all that just to take care of a sick woman who may be on borrowed time.”
“First of all—”” Ellie raising her voice at me was disconcerting. “Evan wants you. He would never see that as a sacrifice. And you do not know about borrowed time. My aunt has lupus and she goes through ups and downs. Today, you’d never know she had anything.”
I kept expecting my flare to subside, but all it did was get worse. I couldn’t find it in myself to hope for anything at this point.
“Ellie, I’ve been down so much I’ve forgotten what up feels like. I can’t put Evan through any of this.”
“What you can’t do is take his choices away. That was mean, making him think you didn’t want to be with him anymore because you didn’t want to be a burden to him.”
“I wish I was like Jack, Ellie. He was so brave, never missed a beat even when the cancer was at its worst.”
“You’re more like Jack than you know.” Ellie crossed her legs and sat back on the couch. “The day he was diagnosed, we’d just celebrated our first anniversary. He came home and told me, point blank, that he had an aggressive form of leukemia, and he would understand if I wanted a divorce.”
Wow. I never would have expected that from Jack. “What . . . did you say?”
“I called him an asshole.” Little Ellie calling someone an asshole in her squeaky little voice was funny to me. I giggled and she smiled back. “Then I told him that my place was with him. We’d take on cancer like we took on everything else, together, and we would get the most out of this life that we could, however long it lasted for either of us.” Ellie smiled and looked away. “Then he kissed me and told me ‘Congrats, you passed the test’.”
“The test? He was testing you?” Ellie waved her hand at me and shook her head.
“You know how he was, always making jokes when he was scared. He told me it was like the door test from A Bronx Tale, but I knew he was afraid I would leave. You made Evan leave because you were scared he’d eventually want to.
“I wouldn’t trade one single second I spent with Jack. Even when things were at their worst. I know for a fact Evan would feel the same way. If Jack left me, I would have felt more cheated than I did the day he died. Love is pretty rare. Real love, anyway. When you find the one, you hold on, for however long you’re allowed.” Ellie put her arm around me and kissed my cheek.
“When is your next doctor’s appointment?” My mother’s eyes were still glassy.
“Monday. She said we’ll figure out if I need a kidney biopsy or not. She’s a good doctor. Not having any luck so far, but she’s trying.”
“I’ll drive you. What time?” I put my hand in hers and squeezed.
“Ten o’clock in the morning. You’re sure?”
She raised her eyebrows at me. “I’m coming to every appointment. And if I can’t, Ellie will. And maybe if you can find it in yourself to smarten up, Evan will, too.”
What Ellie said about feeling cheated if Jack left weighed on my mind. I hurt Evan so much, could we ever go back to where we were? Letting him go almost broke me, but did I have it in me to get him back?
I parked up the block from Evan’s office and thumbed the Tiffany key around my neck as I sat in my car. What was I going to say? The horrible things I told him before I threw him out of my apartment ran through my head. I was cruel and awful, so how could I just take it back?
Evan was still fighting for me, though, so maybe somewhere inside he didn’t believe what I said and I still had a chance. Even so, could I be this selfish? Ellie was right. I couldn’t take his choices away, I would lay it all on the line, and leave it up to him.
My head pounded and my face was on fire. Feeling this much of a chill on a hot July day wasn’t normal. I’d felt awful for the past couple of days, but so far didn’t have a fever. I shouldn’t have gotten into my car feeling so weak; at a couple of lights, I was frightened I wouldn’t make it. The coughing and wheezing were bad all the time, but today they seemed to be at an unprecedented peak. Maybe my nerves made it all worse. Who knew at this point?
My sore legs trudged up the sidewalk to his office. One of the workers let me in the front door as he was leaving, and I tiptoed into the back. Jessica’s desk was empty. It seemed she’d left for the day. I stood in the doorway and gazed at Evan for a moment. I smiled to myself as he cursed under his breath while organizing the papers on his desk. He had almost a full beard now instead of his usual short stubble—why my lips still stung from the burn of our desperate kiss the other day. I wanted to run over to him, pepper his face with kisses, and beg him to take me back. It still seemed selfish to try to keep him, but at the very least, I owed him the truth.