Here’s the only puzzle in it all, the only paradox, or bit of illogic or circular reasoning or whatever it should be called:
Why is the universe?
To shape God.
Why is God?
To shape the universe.
I can’t get rid of it. I’ve tried to change it or dump it, but I can’t. I cannot. It feels like the truest thing I’ve ever written. It’s as mysterious and as obvious as any other explanation of God or the universe that I’ve ever read, except that to me the others feel inadequate, at best.
All the rest of Earthseed is explanation— what God is, what God does, what we are, what we should do, what we can’t help doing… . Consider: Whether you’re a human being, an insect, a microbe, or a stone, this verse is true.
All that you touch,
You Change.
All that you Change
Changes you.
The only lasting truth
Is Change.
God
Is Change.
I’m going to go through my old journals and gather the verses I’ve written into one volume. I’ll put them into one of the exercise notebooks that Cory hands out to the older kids now that there are so few computers in the neighborhood. I’ve written plenty of useless stuff in those books, getting my high school work out of the way. Now I’ll put one to better use.
Then, someday when people are able to pay more attention to what I say than to how old I am, I’ll use these verses to pry them loose from the rotting past, and maybe push them into saving themselves and building a future that makes sense.
That’s if everything will just hold together for a few more years.
SATURDAY, JUNE 7, 2025
I’ve finally assembled a small survival pack for myself— a grab-and-run pack. I’ve had to dig some things I need out of the garage and the attic so that no one complains about my taking things they need.
I’ve collected a hatchet, for instance, and two small, light, all-metal pots. There’s plenty of stuff like that around because no one throws anything away that has any possibility of someday being useful or salable.
I packed my few hundred dollars in savings— almost a thousand. It might feed me for two weeks if I’m allowed to keep it, and if I’m very careful what I buy and where I buy it. I’ve kept up with prices, questioning Dad when he and the other neighborhood men do the essential shopping. Food prices are insane, always going up, never down.
Everyone complains about them.
I found an old canteen and a plastic bottle both for water, and I resolved to keep them clean and full. I packed matches, a full change of clothing, including shoes in case I have to get up at night and run, comb, soap, toothbrush and toothpaste, tampons, toilet paper, bandages, pins, needles and thread, alcohol, aspirin, a couple of spoons and forks, a can opener, my pocket knife, packets of acorn flour, dried fruit, roasted nuts and edible seeds, dried milk, a little sugar and salt, my survival notes, several plastic storage bags, large and small, a lot of plantable raw seed, my journal, my Earthseed notebook, and lengths of clothesline. I stowed all this in a pair of old pillow cases, one inside the other for strength. I rolled the pillowcases into a blanket pack and tied it with some of the clothesline so that I could grab it and run without losing things, but I made it easy to open at the top so that I could get my journal in and out, change the water to keep it fresh, and less often, change the food and check on the seed. The last thing I wanted to find out was that instead of carrying plantable seed or edible food, I had a load of bugs and worms.
I wish I could take a gun. I don’t own one and Dad won’t let me keep one of his in my room. I mean to try to grab one if trouble comes, but I may not be able to. It would be crazy to wind up outside with nothing but a knife and a scared look, but it could happen. Dad and Wyatt Talcott took us out for target practice today, and afterward I tried to talk Dad into letting me keep one of the guns in my room.
“No,” he said, sitting down, tired and dusty, behind his desk in his cluttered office. “You don’t have anywhere to keep it safe during the day, and the boys are always in and out of your room.”
I hesitated, then told him about the emergency pack that I had put together.
He nodded. “I thought it was a good idea back when you first suggested it,” he said. “But, think, Lauren. It would be like a gift to a burglar. Money, food, water, a gun… . Most burglars don’t find what they want all bundled up and waiting for them. I think we’d better make it a little harder for any burglar who comes here to get hold of a gun.”
“It will just be a rolled up blanket mixed in with some other rolled or folded bed clothes in my closet,” I said. “No one will even notice it.”
“No,” he shook his head. “No, the guns stay where they are.”
And that’s that. I think he’s more worried about the boys snooping around than about burglars. My brothers have been taught how to behave around guns all their lives, but Greg is only eight and Ben is nine. Dad just isn’t ready to put temptation in their paths yet. Marcus at 11 is more trustworthy than a lot of adults, but Keith at almost 13 is a question mark. He wouldn’t steal from Dad. He wouldn’t dare.
But he has stolen from me— only little things so far.
He wants a gun, though, the way thirsty people want water. He wants to be all grown up— yesterday. So maybe Dad’s right. I hate his decision, but maybe he’s right.
“Where would you go?” I asked him, changing the subject. “If we were forced out of here, where would you take us?”
He blew out a breath, puffing up his cheeks for a second. “To the neighbors or to the college,” he said. “The college has temporary emergency accommodations for employees who are burned or driven out of their homes.”
“And then?”
“Rebuilding, fortifying, doing whatever we can do to live and be safe.”
“Would you ever think about leaving here, heading north to where water isn’t such a problem and food is cheaper?”
“No.” He stared into space. “My job down here is as secure as a job can be. There are no jobs up there.
Newcomers work for food if they work at all.
Experience doesn’t matter. Education doesn’t matter. There are just too many desperate people.
They work their lives away for a sack of beans and they live on the streets.”
“I heard it was easier up there,” I said. “Oregon, Washington, Canada.”
“Closed,” he said. “You’ve got to sneak into Oregon if you get in at all. Even harder to sneak into Washington. People get shot every day trying to sneak into Canada. Nobody wants California trash.”
“But people do leave. People are always moving north.”
“They try. They’re desperate and they have nothing to lose. But I do. This is my home. Beyond taxes, I don’t owe a penny on it. You and your brothers have never known a hungry day here, and God willing, you never will.”
In my Earthseed notebook, I’ve written, A tree
Cannot grow
In its parents’ shadows.
Is it necessary to write things like that? Everyone knows them. What do they mean now, anyway?
What does this one mean if you live in a cul-de-sac with a wall around in? What does it mean if you’re damned lucky to live in a cul-de-sac with a wall around it?
SATURDAY, JULY 19, 2025
Tomorrow, I’ll be sixteen. Only sixteen. I feel older. I want to be older. I need to be older. I hate being a kid. Time drags!
Tracy Dunn has disappeared. She’s been depressed since Amy was killed. When she talked at all, it was about dying and wanting to die and deserving to die.
Everyone kept hoping she would get over her grief-or her guilt— and get on with her life. Maybe she couldn’t. Dad talked with her several times, and I know he was worried about her. Her crazy family hasn’t been any help. They treat her the way she treated Amy: They ignore her.