“What’s funny?” Luke was tense, and Alejandro was silent now. Her laughter rang out jarringly. There was something shattering about it, something unbearably painful. It wasn’t real laughter.
“Everything’s funny, Luke. All of it. It really is, it … I… it’s all so absurd.” She laughed on, until he took her hand and held it too hard. Then she stopped, fears suddenly trying to rush into the space where the laughter had been. It was all so absurd, all those ridiculous people at Trader Vic’s—they’d be going to a concert after lunch, or the hairdresser, or to board meetings, or I. Magnin’s, or to tea parties and dressmakers … leading their perfectly normal lives. But what could be normal, that, or this? None of it made any sense. The laughter tried to bubble back into her mouth, but she wouldn’t let it. She knew that if she laughed again she would cry, and maybe even howl. That was what she wanted to do. Howl like a dog.
They drove west into the pale afternoon sun, and then south on Van Ness Avenue, past used cars and new cars and the blue plastic of the Jack Tar Hotel. The ride seemed to go on forever. People were busy, were running, were going, were living, and all too soon the dome of City Hall loomed before them. It stuck out like a proud gilded onion, a dowager’s tit, noble and overdressed in patina and gold. Terrifying. City Hall. And within so few feet, other limousines were beginning to arrive for the symphony at the Opera House. Nothing made any sense.
Kezia felt vague and confused, almost drunk, though she’d had only coffee. And only the steadying presence of Luke on one side and Alejandro on the other kept her feet moving. Up the steps, through the doors, into the building, past the people … oh God … oh God, no!
“I need a pack of smokes.” Luke strode away from them and they followed, through the vast marble halls and under the dome. He walked with the determined rolling gait she knew so well, and silently she reached for Alejandro’s hand.
“You okay, Kezia?”
She answered with a question in her eyes: I don’t know. Am I?
“Yes,” She gave him a small wintry smile and looked up at the dome. How could ugly things happen here? It looked like Vienna or Paris or Rome, the columns and friezes and arches, the lofty swoop of the dome, the echo, the gold leaf. The day was really here. January eighth. The hearing. She was nose to nose with it now. Brutal reality.
She held tight to Luke’s hand as they rode up in the elevator, and she stood as close to him as she could … closer … tighter … nearer … more…. She wanted to slip inside his skin, bury herself in his heart.
The elevator stopped on four, and they followed the corridors to the law library where the attorney had said he would meet them. They passed a courtroom, and suddenly Luke pushed her aside, almost thrusting her at Alejandro.
“What …”
“Fucking bastards.” Luke’s face was suddenly angry and red, and Alejandro understood before she did. They quickened their pace, and he put an arm around her shoulders.
“Alejandro, what…”
“Come on, babe, we’ll talk about it later.” The two men exchanged a look over her head, and when she saw the television cameras waiting, she knew. So that was it. Lucas was going to make news. Either way.
They detoured the reporters unnoticed, and slipped into the law library to wait. The attorney joined them after a few minutes, a thick file in his hand, a tense look on his face. But something about his demeanor impressed Kezia more than it had at the hotel.
“Everyone ready?” He tried to look jovial and failed dismally.
“Now? Already?” It wasn’t two o’clock yet, and Kezia was beginning to panic, but Alejandro still had a tight grip on her shoulders. Luke was pacing in front of a book-lined wall.
“No. It’ll be a few minutes. I’ll meet you back here, and let you know when the judge is in court.”
“Is there any other way into the courtroom?” Alejandro was troubled.
“I … is … why?” The attorney looked puzzled.
“Have you walked past the courtroom yet?”
“No. Not yet.”
“It’s crawling with reporters. Television cameras, the works.”
“The judge won’t let them inside. Not to worry.”
“Yeah. But we’ll still have to walk through them.”
“No, we won’t.” Luke was back in their midst. “Or Kezia won’t in any case, if that’s what you’re worried about, Al.”
“Lucas, I most certainly will!” Small as she was, she looked as though in the heat of the moment she might hit him.
“You will not. And that’s that.” This was no time to argue with him. The look on his face made that much clear. “I want you here. I’ll come and get you when it’s over.”
“But I want to be in there with you.”
“On TV?” His voice dripped irony, not kindness.
“You heard what he said. They won’t be in court.”
“They don’t need to be. They’ll get you coming and going. And you don’t need that. And neither do I. I am not going to argue with you, Kezia. You’re staying here in the library, or you can go back to the hotel. Now. Is that clear?”
“All right.”
The attorney left them, and Luke began to pace again, and suddenly he stopped and walked slowly toward her, his eyes fixed on hers, everything about him familiar and dear. It was as though the barbed wire had gone from his spine. Alejandro sensed the mood and moved slowly toward a distant row of maroon and gold books.
“Baby …” Luke was only a foot away from her, but he didn’t reach out to touch her, he only looked, watching her, as though counting every hair on her head, every thread in her dress. He took in all of her, and his eyes bore through to her soul.
“Lucas, I love you.”
“Mama, I have never ever loved you more. You know that, don’t you?”
“Yes. And you know how much I love you?”
He nodded, his eyes still digging deep.
“Why are they doing this to us?”
“Because I decided to take my chances a long time ago, before I knew you. I think I’d have done it differently if I’d known you all along. Maybe not. I’m a shitkicker, Kezia. You know it. I know it. They know it. It’s for a good cause, but I’m a thorn in their side. I’ve always thought it was worth it, if I could change something for the better … but I didn’t know then that I’d be doing this to you.”
“Is it still worth it, for you, not counting me?” Even without considering her, how could it have been now? But his answer surprised her.
“Yes.” His eyes didn’t waver, but there was something sad and old about them that she had never seen before. He was a man paying a heavy price, even if they didn’t revoke him. It had already cost him a great deal.
“It’s worth it even now, Lucas?”
“Yes. Even now. The only thing I feel like shit about is you. I should never have dragged you through it. I knew better right at the start.”
“Lucas, you’re the only man I’ve ever loved, maybe the only human being I’ve ever loved. If you hadn’t ‘dragged me through this,’ my life would never have been worth a good goddamn. And I can live with what’s happening. Either way.” For a moment she was as powerful as he; it was as though his strength had filled her to catalyze her own.
“And what if I go?”
“You won’t.” I won’t let you….
“I might.” He seemed almost detached, as if he was ready to go if he had to.
“Then I’ll handle that too.”
“Just handle yourself, little lady. You’re the only woman I’ve ever loved like this. I won’t let anything destroy you. Not even me. Remember that. And whatever I do, you’ve got to know that I know what’s best. For both of us.”