“I love you too, babe. Do me a favor?”
“What?”
“Take your hair down for me.” She smiled and quickly pulled out the pins. There was so little pleasure she could give him, each minute gesture suddenly meant so much more. “There, that’s better.” He stroked the silky softness of her hair, and looked like a man running his hands through diamonds or gold. “Oh Mama, how I love you.”
“Are you all right?”
“Can’t you tell?”
“I’m not sure.” But Alejandro could. He could tell a lot more than either of them, each was so blinded by what he wanted to see. “I guess you look okay, but you’ve gotten thin.”
“Look who’s talking. You look like shit.” But his eyes said she looked better than that. “I thought you told me you were going to take care of her, Al.” He looked from one to the other, and at last there was a hint of long-forgotten laughter back in his eyes. He looked almost like Lucas again.
“Listen, man, do you know how hard this woman is to push around?”
“You’re telling me!” The two men laughed and exchanged an old familiar smile. And Luke’s eyes lit up as he looked at Kezia again. She held so tightly to his hands that her fingers ached until they were numb.
It was an odd visit, full of conflicting vibrations. Luke seemed to have a passionate and hungry need for Kezia, which was amply mutual. Yet, there was a rein on him somewhere. She sensed it, and didn’t know what it was. A hesitation, a withdrawal, and then he would say something and she would feel the floodgates open again.
Suddenly the hour was over. The guard signaled, and Luke stood up quickly and led her back to the front of the room for their one regulation farewell kiss.
“Darling, I’ll be back as soon as they’ll let me.” She was thinking of staying out for the week, and coming back to see him again. But right now she was nervous at the sight of the guard, and Alejandro seemed to edge closer. It was all happening too fast. She wanted more time with Lucas … the moments had flown by.
“Mama …” Luke’s eyes seemed to devour every inch of her face. “You won’t be coming back here.”
“Are they transferring you?”
He shook his head. “No. But you can’t come back anymore.”
“That’s ridiculous. I … aren’t the papers in order?” She was suddenly terrified. She had to come back again. She needed to see him. They had no right to do this.
“The papers are in order. For today. But I’m taking you off my visiting list tonight.” His voice was so low she could barely hear it. But Alejandro could, and he knew what Lucas was doing. Now he understood why Luke had wanted him to come out.
“Are you mad? Why are you taking me off your list?” Hot tears burned her eyes and she clung to his hands. She didn’t understand. She hadn’t done anything wrong. And she loved him.
“Because you don’t belong here. And this is no life for you. Baby, you’ve learned a lot in the last few months, and done a lot of things you’d never have done if you hadn’t met me. Some of it was good for you, but this isn’t. I know what this does, what it’ll do to you. By the time I get out, you’d be burnt out. Look at you now, thin, nervous … you’re a wreck. Go back to what you have to do. And do it right.”
“Lucas, how can you do this?” The fears began to roll down her face.
“Because I have to … because I love you … now be a good girl, and go.”
“No, I won’t. And I’ll come back. I’ll … oh Lucas! Please!” Luke’s eyes sought Alejandro’s over her head and there was a barely perceptible nod. Luke bent quickly to kiss her, squeezed her shoulders, and then quickly turned and took a step toward the guard.
“Lucas! No!” She reached out her arms, ready to cling to him, and he turned back to her with a face carved in stone.
“Stop it, Kezia. Don’t forget who you are.”
“I’m nothing without you.” She stepped toward him and looked into his eyes.
“That’s where you’re wrong. You’re Kezia Saint Martin, and you know who she is now. Treat her well.” And then with a nod at the guard, he was gone. An iron door swallowed the man she had loved. He never turned back for a last look or another goodbye. He had said nothing to Alejandro as he left. He hadn’t had to. The short nod at the end said it all. He was committing her into his care. He would know that she was safe and that was all he could do. It was all he had left to give.
Kezia stood in the visiting area, numb, unaware of the eyes that turned toward her. It had been an agonizing scene for the few who had overhead it. It made the men squirm, and their visitors blanch. It could have happened to them, but it didn’t. It happened to her.
“I … Alej … I … could …” She was disoriented, stunned, lost.
“Come on, love, let’s go home.”
“Yes, please.” She seemed to have shrunk in those last shattering minutes. Her face looked frighteningly pale. This time he knew there was no point in asking how she was. It was easily seen.
He walked her out of the building and to the main gate as rapidly as he could. He wanted to get her the hell out of there before she fell apart. He guided her quickly around the potholes in the parking lot and eased her into the car. He was feeling almost as shocked as she. He had known something was wrong, but he had had no idea what Luke had in mind. And he knew what a bitching tough thing it had been to do. Lucas needed her there, her visits, her love, her support. But he knew what it would do to her too. She would have hung on for years, destroying herself, maybe even drinking herself to death while she waited. It couldn’t have gone on, and Luke knew it. Kezia had been right way at the beginning. Lucas Johns was a man with incredible guts. Alejandro knew he wouldn’t have had the courage to do it. Damn few men would, but damn few men faced what Luke was now facing—survival in a place where his life had been marked. And with who Kezia was, they could have gotten to her first. That had been the worst of Luke’s fears, but now that was over. Everything was, for Luke.
“I … where are we going?” Kezia looked frighteningly vague as Alejandro started the car.
“Home. We’re going home. And everything’s going to be fine.” He spoke to her as one would to a very small child, or a very sick one. Right then, she was both.
“I’m going to come back here, you know … I’ll come back. You know that, don’t you? He doesn’t really mean it … I … Alejandro?” There was no fire in her voice, only confusion. Alejandro knew she wouldn’t be back. Luke was a man of his word. By that afternoon, her name would be inexorably canceled from his list. It would leave him no choice. He couldn’t have had her reinstated for six months, and by then much would have changed. Six months could change a lot in a life. Six months before, Kezia had met Luke.
She was no longer crying as they drove away. She merely sat very still in the car, and then in the hotel room, where he left her under the careful guard of a maid, while he attended to the interview he could no longer keep his mind on. It was a hell of a day to have to worry about that. He rushed through it, and got back to the Ritz. The maid said she hadn’t moved, or even spoken. She had merely sat there, in the same chair she’d been in when he left her, staring at nothing.
With misgivings, he made plane reservations for six o’clock that night and prayed she wouldn’t come out of shock until he got her home to her own bed. She was like a child in a trance, and one thing was for sure, he didn’t want to be in San Francisco with her when she came out of it. He had to get her back to New York.
She ate nothing on the tray the stewardess put before her, and nodded uncomprehendingly when Alejandro offered her the earphones for music. He settled them on her head, and then watched her remove them dreamily five minutes later. She sang to herself for a little while, and then lapsed back into silence. The stewardesses eyed her strangely, and Alejandro would nod with a smile, hoping no one would make any comments, and praying that no one would recognize her. She looked sufficiently vague and disheveled by then to be less readily recognized. He could barely handle her as it was, without worrying about the press. They might set her off, and unleash the flood of reality she was holding in abeyance by staying in shock. She looked drugged or drunk, or more than a little crazy. The flight was a nightmare he longed to see end.