“I traveled after I escaped my village,” Dick continued. “My father chased me and beat me. He even pushed me into the river trying to drown me. I went abroad as a student worker. I lived in France for three years. I worked during the day and went to school in the evening. In Paris I experienced Communism firsthand.”
Dick laughed and then paused to observe me.
I tried to be present, but it had been a long day and my mind began to wander. I nodded and asked, “So, what brought you back to China?”
“I didn’t miss my family, but I did miss my country,” he went on. “I was twenty-two. Never before had I felt so strongly that I could do something to help change the world, to reverse the inequity between the rich and poor…”
Although he lacked the grace of Hsu Chih-mo, I found myself listening.
“I could have been silent and remained unaffected.” He looked at me, eager for a response. “I could have imitated an ancient sage and hid myself away in the mountains. Instead I chose to lead a purposeful life and fight for the people.”
His tone was charged with energy. I was strangely moved.
The clouds drifted low to the ground and the crowns of pine trees spread like beggars’ arms. Dick and I followed the trail leading to the top of the Purple Mountain. I thought about asking him to reconsider publishing Pearl ’s novel. But the moment he said he would do anything for me, I changed my mind. I didn’t want to be beholden to him.
Pearl deserves honor, not mercy, I thought.
Dick said that he was nervous whenever he was near me. He complimented and flattered me. I wished that his words were coming from Hsu Chih-mo. I wondered where Hsu Chih-mo was and what he was doing. Was Pearl ’s name written in the sky of his mind? For the past few months, Hsu Chih-mo had made visits to Shanghai to be with his wife. Each time he returned to Nanking, he would be even more depressed. When I asked about his wife, he would reply, “My wife lives in her opium den. She doesn’t talk unless it is to ask me for money.”
The gossip publications following Hsu Chih-mo revealed the massive debts his wife owed. The latest reports had the former courtesan spending time with a wealthy patron. Hsu Chih-mo was said to be fighting with his wife over money and her drug habit. One source said that Hsu Chih-mo had gone back to his former architect mistress. The public had become obsessed with the drama.
“It’s time for you to think about taking Hsu Chih-mo as a lover,” I said.
Stunned, Pearl turned to me. “You are crazy, Willow.”
“Why not?” I went on. “After all, Lossing is with Lotus.”
“No,” she said bluntly.
“Hsu Chih-mo…”
“Stop, would you? I don’t feel like discussing Hsu Chih-mo.”
“But I do.”
She was quiet.
I felt sick with myself, but couldn’t stop.
“I am not a fool, Willow,” I heard Pearl say. “I can see…”
“Then answer my question.”
“I don’t know how to answer your question. As you know, we both are married. Frankly, I don’t enjoy this kind of joke. Or… is it a joke?”
“What do you think?”
“It is pure Chinese that you indulge in this game of cruelty. This is how you drive away misery. But is it working? Are you less miserable than yesterday?”
“You speak like your father, wearing God’s clothes!” I responded. “You can’t face the truth!”
“I am trying to act decently. I am your friend.”
“Then damn your decency!”
“Fine!” She came to face me. “You want the truth? Here it is! Yes, Hsu Chih-mo and I are in love witheach other! And yes, we will go to bed together, tonight!”
CHAPTER 19
I accepted Dick Lin’s offer to be the editor of his magazine. I made up my mind to move to Shanghai for good.
Pearl was devastated.
A month before I left, Hsu Chih-mo paid me a visit. He pleaded with me to save his relationship with Pearl. “She fell apart after learning about your departure. She told me that she would view me as an enemy if I continued to visit her. She’s engaged in a war with me.”
I refused to talk to Hsu Chih-mo. I had done enough for him.
Confused, he said, “I’ll come back when you are in a better mood.”
After he left, I couldn’t escape the sound of his voice praising Pearl. “ Pearl and I are soul mates!” “The Good Earth is like no other novel I have ever read. It’s a masterpiece!” “It takes a humanitarian to be a good novelist.” “She denied that love has passed between us!”
Before I could say hello to Shanghai and to Dick Lin, I knew that I must settle my past accounts and say good-bye to Nanking. Yet the shadows of Pearl Buck and Hsu Chih-mo followed close upon me.
Dick promised me independence. He said that he would always be there for me if I needed him.
“You are coming to Shanghai,” he said in his letters, “and that is all that counts.”
Dick was confident that I would grow to love him.
I warned him that I was taking advantage of him.
“You don’t owe me anything” was his response.
Dick told me that Shanghai had been the red cradle ever since the Communist Party had been created in 1921. Although the party was still considered a guerrilla group, it was becoming the major opposition force against the ruling nationalist government. Dick played an important role in the party. He had become Mao Tse-tung’s chief adviser and he ran the party’s bureau of propaganda.
I was not terribly interested in the new world Dick described. I didn’t care whether or not the Communists would win China. What I cared about was having a place in Shanghai where I could tend to my wounds and try to start my life again. Dick made it convenient.
“You used to be a tiny creek and now you are part of an ocean.” Dick was as happy as a goalie after catching a ball.
The day of my departure was approaching. I wasn’t living a lie, yet I wasn’t living truthfully either. Pearl and Hsu Chih-mo had called a cease-fire and had finally become lovers. I took credit because I had helped. My home was their love nest. There, they were able to escape the prying eyes of the public. But I was wrong about myself. I was consumed by envy and jealousy.
Pearl knew me too well to feel comfortable with the situation. She even refused to show up when Hsu Chih-mo gave me a farewell dinner. On the one hand, I was comforted by the fact that Hsu Chih-mo didn’t know that I was in love with him. On the other, I suffered when he shared with me his feelings for my friend. “I am in love” was written all over his face. It hurt me, but Hsu Chih-mo couldn’t stop talking and I couldn’t stop listening.
Hsu Chih-mo was convinced that Pearl was more Chinese than he was. He was infatuated with her perspective, her Chinese habits, her love of camellias. He was especially thrilled when she cursed in Chinese. He loved “the Chinese soul under the white skin.”
Hsu Chih-mo told me that he used to play with peasant children when he was young. “My family were small landowners, so I was surrounded by peasant children. But I had no understanding of them when I played with them. I only knew that I was the young master and they were my slaves. They were not my equals as human beings. My family owned them or hired them. All Chinese schoolboys have the same attitude. When they become adults they look down on peasants. But Pearl believes that all spirits are equal before God. This respect for her subjects makes her work wonderful. In her, one hears the voice of a peasant as a human being.”
I drank and toasted with him.
Hsu Chih-mo confessed, “ Pearl makes me happy. I never know what she is going to say next. She’s brilliant, cunning, and funny. The mix of the Chinese and American cultures in her fascinates me always. I find myself looking forward to her thoughts.”
“What about love?” I asked.
“What about it?” He blinked.
“Does she… love like a Chinese woman?”