He now used pictures sent in by readers, in a department called "Readers' Slot." "Send us a picture of your slot in action," read the promo piece. The winning photo each month won five thousand dollars. Last month's winner was a woman whose specialty, if widely adopted, would have eliminated the world's flush toilet industry.
He had another standing feature called "Easy Pieces," which featured pictures of women, taken unawares, as they walked along the street. The pictures were accompanied with text that made long, lascivious guesses about the women's sexual habits and preferences. There were seven lawsuits pending on these unauthorized photos too.
Wesley Pruiss once figured out that if he lost every lawsuit and had to pay all the money demanded in the court complaints, he would be out 112 million dollars. And it didn't bother him at all. All he needed was ten minutes headstart and he would be on a private jet for Argentina where he had stashed enough money to live like a pharaoh or a publisher for the rest of his life.
So it wasn't lawsuits that occupied Wesley Pruiss's mind on a fresh spring day as he sat in his office on the seventeenth floor of a triangular building on New York City's Fifth Avenue.
First, where was he going to find a place to film the first picture of his new film division, Animal Instincts. He had applied to New York City for permission to film inside city limits. The application had asked for a brief description of the film. Pruiss had written: "The story of a man and woman who find happiness in nature she with the collie and he with her, a goat, three girlfriends and Flamma, a girl who belly-dances while Sterno flames from her navel."
The city's letter of rejection had just arrived on his desk.
His second problem of the day was to find a model to pose for the main layout in his August issue. The layout was supposed to show a girl making love to a live Mako shark. He had never realized how frightened women were of sharks.
The third problem was those goddamn women marching downstairs in front of his building. Even through the double Thermo-pane windows he could hear them.
He got up from behind his desk and opened the sliding windows that looked down over Fifth Avenue. As he did, the chants of the women below grew louder.
From seventeen floors up, the women looked small, the way he liked women to look. Small and down around his feet. There were twenty of them carrying placards and signs and marching back and forth, chanting "Pruiss must go" and "Grossis gross."
Pruiss's face reddened. He grabbed a portable bullhorn he kept on a table next to the window, clicked it on, and leaned far out the window.
"Grossis gross," came the voices.
"Gross, hah?" Pruiss shouted. His electronically magnified voice swelled over the street and the women stopped chanting and looked up.
"I'll tell you gross," he yelled. "Three hundred and fifty million a year. That's gross."
One of the women also had a bullhorn. She was a former congresswoman who had been causing Pruiss trouble since he started the magazine. He had offered a ten thousand dollar-bounty in Grossfor anyone who could write about an unnatural sex act he had performed with the woman. There were no answers. He raised the reward to twenty thousand. Still no takers. He broadened the category to include natural sex acts. He still got no replies. After running the advertisement in Grossfor six month, he finally dropped it and did a cover story on the woman, calling her "America's last virgin. And why not?"
The woman aimed her bullhorn at him and shouted "You're sick, Pruiss. Sick. And so's your magazine."
"Never been healthier," Pruiss shouted back. "Three million readers a month."
"You belong in an asylum," the woman yelled.
"And you belong in a zoo," Pruiss shouted back. "You want a job?"
"Never," the woman called.
"I'll hire all of you. For photo spreads."
"Never."
"I'm booked up on girls for the next three years," Pruiss yelled. "But I got openings for two cows, a jackass and a lot of pigs. You all qualify."
"The law will get you, Pruiss," the woman bellowed back. The other women around her began chanting again. "Pruiss must go. Grossis gross."
"What do you have against making it with a bull?" Pruiss demanded. "You ever make it with a horse? Don't knock it if you ain't tried it."
Passersby had stopped to listen to the electronic debate, the participants separated by almost two hundred feet of open space.
"Hey, you. You with the flowered hat," Pruiss called. "Don't tell me you ain't made it with a bull."
The woman with the flowered hat resolutely turned her back on Pruiss.
"If you ain't made it with a bull, you ain't made it with nobody," Pruiss shouted. "'Cause who else would stick it to a cow?"
"You're sick, Pruiss," the woman on the loudspeaker called.
"Go away, you dykes," Pruiss yelled. "The slut of the month feature is booked up until 1980. I'll call you then."
He closed the window, put down his bullhorn and with a sadistic smile went to the telephone.
"Send a photographer downstairs to shoot pictures of those dykes," he snarled. "If they want to know what for, tell 'em we're starting a new feature, 'Pig of the Month.'"
Pruiss was inspecting the page proofs for the next issue when a woman walked into his office. She was dark-eyed with long black hair that trailed straight and full down her back. She wore a thin white dress of some jersey material that clung to her full body as she moved. She had three file folders in her arms and she smiled at Pruiss as he looked up at her.
"What do you want first? The good news or the bad news?" she asked.
"The good news."
"There is no good news," she said.
"Still having trouble with that shark layout?" Pruiss asked.
The woman nodded, and some of her hair splashed forward onto her shoulder. "Still tough," she agreed. "Everybody's afraid they're going to get their boobies bitten off. We can always use Flamma to pose for it."
Pruiss shook his head. "Flamma's done too many gatefolds already. I don't want to make it look like we can't find girls willing to get screwed by a shark."
"I'll do it then," the woman said.
"Theodosia," Pruiss said. "You know how I feel about that. You did the first one with the bull. And that was enough. Those dingdongs that buy Gross will have to get off on somebody else. Not you, you're mine."
"Aren't you sweet?" Theodosia said. "I'll keep interviewing. We'll get somebody."
"I know," Pruiss said. "What about the movie?"
"We just got turned down by New Jersey."
"Why the hell'd they do that?" Pruiss asked.
"They said they didn't like the content."
"Did you tell them I was a Jersey boy myself?"
"I did even better than that," Theodosia said. "They set up this commission to bring movies to the state so I had lunch with somebody near that commission."
"And?"
"And I offered him five thousand dollars. And Flamma for three months."
"And he still turned you down?"
Theodosia nodded.
"Jerks," Pruiss said. "Don't they know I'm the wave of the future? A hundred years from now, people will look back and call this the Pruiss era."
"I told him that. He seemed more interested in the five thousand dollars," Theodosia said.
"But he turned us down anyway."
"Right."
"Maybe we should just go ahead and shoot the damn thing," Pruiss said. "Shoot it anywhere."
"They'll kill us," Theodosia said. "Even if you do it on the estate, they'll kill us. Some blue nose'll get in and see what we're doing and before you know it, all our asses..."
"Don't swear, Theo. It's not ladylike."
"Sorry. All of us will be before a grand jury and then in jail."
Pruiss nodded glumly, then in a small burst of anger, pounded his tiny fists on his desk.