"Ten pounds of C4 are under my ass, and that's your best advice? Do better, Jennie. Tell me how I'm going to get out of this."
When she didn't answer I said, "Incidentally, you have less than three minutes to get all the helicopters out of the sky and all the trail cars away from me, or I'm hamburger." I added, "Now assure me that you and Sanchez have a plan for this."
But Jennie had apparently handed the phone to Rita, who informed me, "Jennie's getting rid of the cars and helicopters. Just don't sweat it. We'll disperse our ground coverage."
"Don't disperse it-get rid of it."
"I understand."
"You've had cases like this before, right?"
Apparently Rita had to think about that. She said, "No two cases are ever identical. There are always new twists and curves."
"Uh-huh. Tell me about the contingency where the courier becomes a bomb."
"I'll… Give me a little time to think about that."
"Wrong answer. Wrong, wrong answer." I punched off.
My blood pressure had just shot up about a hundred points. Barnes and his merry shitkickers would think nothing of vaporizing me, or even the fifty million disposable bucks in the back of this van. Then out of the blue, a truly disturbing thought popped into my brain. What if this was a dry run? Like an object lesson for Barnes to show the Feds not to try any funny business next time? How do I get myself into these things?
My phone rang. I said, "You've got my attention. Now what?"
But it was Jennie again, who said, "Sean, I'm sorry. We didn't expect this. We're thinking furiously back here. Whatever you do, don't try jumping out of the van. Your seat could be hardwired to the C4. In fact, our technicians consider that… well, very likely."
"I already thought of that. Tell me something useful."
She said, "We thought we should warn you." But in the event I didn't get the moral of her warning, she added, "There's no way to get you extracted. Do everything they say." She punched off.
So there I was on a gloriously beautiful spring afternoon, driving down 15th Street in my favorite city in the whole world, in the very lopsided state of having fifty million bucks in the backseat of my car and a big bomb strapped to my ass.
God looks after fools and scoundrels, but I wasn't sure whether that applied to idiots.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
The next call came about two minutes later, from Rita, who informed me, "The coverage is off," and abruptly hung up.
Why didn't I feel relieved? This really sucked. A minute later the phone rang and I said, "Relax, lady. The coverage's all gone."
She replied, "Better be. Pull over at the curb."
A moment later I said, "I'm here. What now?"
"Now you strip and throw yer clothes out the window. Shoes, everything."
"Look, I'm wearing a really expensive suit, and-"
"You ain't naked in one minute, yer very nice suit's gonna be confetti."
Before she could punch off I said, "Wait!"
"What?"
"Is there a pressure switch under the driver's seat?"
"Yeah."
"Then… how-"
"Figure it out, Drummond." After a moment, she added, "'Course you ain't been all that bright so far. So if I hear a big boom and see a bunch of yer guts flyin' through the air, I'll know you fucked up," She laughed and punched off.
I ordinarily like a woman with a hearty sense of humor. I definitely didn't like her. I wondered for a moment if she was the one who did June Lacy.
Anyway, the tie and shirt came off almost effortlessly. Then, one at a time, I brought my feet up to the dash and, one shoe and one sock at a time, dispensed with my footwear without a hitch. Obviously, the pants posed the really tricky challenge, and had I not practiced this drill a few times as a teenager in the backseat of Papa Drummond's '71 Buick, Mama Drummond wouldn't have to worry about a Christmas gift for me anymore. But trust me, it's a very different pressure, wriggling out of your trousers to get laid and trying to keep your ass connected to your torso. I was down to my undershorts and I decided, as a matter of pride, practicality, and modesty, that this was it. No mas.
I dialed Jennie, who answered, "What are you doing? Clothes are flying out of that van."
"How do you- Hey, are you still covering me?"
"I'm… yes."
"But Rita said-"
"Rita lied."
"Get rid of the escorts."
"I can't. I'm sorry"
"Yes… you can-my ass is on the line here."
For a moment she did not respond, Eventually, she said, "Sean, you're driving around our capital in a large explosive device. Did you really believe we were going to eliminate all coverage?"
"I'm sorry. Didn't you say I should trust you?"
I think she put her hand over the phone, because I dimly overheard her speaking with somebody in the background. Then she said, "We did not predict this. The White House and the D.C. police are going nuts on us right now. I've lost some authority and a lot of flexibility here. Understand?"
I didn't really want to hear this. I had become a lobotomized pawn in a game being played between Jennie and Barnes, and now even the federal government was in the act. Everyone had a piece of me but me.
I drew a few deep breaths and tried to get myself under control. I said, "Incidentally, the woman on the phone has to be nearby She said that if I blow up, pieces of Sean Drummond would splatter her windshield."
"An interesting way to put it."
"Tell me about it."
"She's two blocks over. Heading south, like you."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"You didn't ask."
"Is she under observation, too?"
"Don't be such an optimist. Your last call, she stayed on too long. But it was a moving signal. We only got her basic proximity."
"All right. What next?"
"This phase is a head game. They want to isolate you from us, geographically and psychologically. They're trying to exert their control and trying to throw us off balance." To reassure me that this wasn't a one-way street, I guess, Jennie added, "We're gaming it as we go along. Expect them to try a switch of some sort."
I thought about it a moment. I said, "Who's the optimist now?"
"What's that mean?"
"Maybe they'll order me to drive to the White House and then blow me up."
"I… We're alert to that possibility"
"I see."
"We just ordered all federal facilities to put into effect their barrier plans. You won't get through."
"I'll be sure to pass that along."
"Do just that. They need to know it's not an option."
What she diplomatically failed to mention, I was sure, was the Feds also had a more proactive plan in place. If I moved within two blocks of the White House, a SWAT sharpshooter would put ten slugs through the driver of this van. "Jennie?"
"What?"
"Whose side are you on?"
"Don't even ask that"
"Sorry I'm… Well, my day's not really going all that well."
"I've had better days, too. Remember, you may feel alone, but you're not."
"Oh… you've got sticks of TNT under your ass, too?"
She ignored that and said, "Listen, somebody's trying to reach me and Barnes may be trying to reach you." She hung up.
So I sat for a moment in my undershorts, feeling stupid, humiliated, and vulnerable. I tried to think through my options. It was a brief moment. I had none.
The phone rang, and I said, "Drummond."
"Hey, asshole, you're not completely naked," the woman informed me.
"Give me a break. I'm down to my underpants."
"Get rid of 'em."
"No."
'Wo? Hey, don't fuck with me, pal."
"Up yours."
"I'll push this little button."
"Lady, I'm tired, I'm frustrated, and I'm in a really foul mood. If you want to spread me and fifty million bucks across thirty blocks over a pair of undershorts, do it. I'm going out in my underpants."