“Of course not!” Gran said. “I’m not crazy. Who orders a bunch of bees?! Not me!”
They all worked together to remove the wrapping, and found themselves staring down at an actual beehive! And its inhabitants were obviously not very happy at having been cooped up for so long, for more than a few of them started flying through the cracks in the cage and zooming around.
“Christ!” Uncle Alec yelled. “Who in their right mind ships a bunch of bees with UPS?!”
“Vesta,” said Dad phlegmatically, swatting away a couple of bees buzzing around his wine.
“I think we better call the fire department,” Chase said. “Before they all escape and attack us.”
“No!” Gran yelled. “You know how much these little suckers cost me?!”
“So you did order them!” Mom yelled, ducking a few particularly pesky bees.
“Of course I did! I need bee therapy! It’s going to completely rejuvenate me! I’m going to look decades younger!”
“You’re crazy!” Uncle Alec screamed, now running around the yard, chased by a horde of bees.
“Let them sting your butt!” Gran yelled. “It’ll clear that cellulite of yours right up!”
And then, as if the bees had gotten the message, the cage completely collapsed, and the entire swarm zoomed up into the air, then swept down upon the Pooles.
“Nice, Mom!” Uncle Alec yelled. “I’ve been stung!”
“That’s great! You needed it!”
Odelia wasn’t sure if she needed it or not, but she was pretty sure she didn’t want it, so when a dozen bees attacked her, happy to have found a target, she screamed and ducked for cover. It took another half hour for the fire department to arrive, and make short shrift of Gran’s bee menace. Gran wasn’t happy that her investment was being rounded up and taken away by the burly men in red, but the rest of the family definitely was. By the time the last bee had been taken into custody, it was late.
“So much for our date,” Odelia told Chase as she watched the firemen inspect the hive.
“I’ll take a rain check,” said Chase, scratching at a particularly nasty-looking bee sting.
“I’m sorry about this, Chase. My family is crazy.”
“That’s okay,” he said with a grin. “I’m not all that compos myself.”
He placed an arm around her shoulder and she leaned her head against his chest. Between the murder they had to solve and Max’s diet shenanigans and her grandmother’s Donna obsession, she was glad at least one person in her universe still had his feet on solid ground. And as she watched a red-faced Dad furiously cut up his credit cards, Gran looking on sadly, she had to laugh.
“That’s the spirit,” Chase murmured. “When you can’t beat the crazies, join them.” And he placed a tender kiss on her lips.
“Ouch,” she said, pulling back. “Bee sting.” Right on her bottom lip of all places. Gah.
“Didn’t you hear your grandmother? Your lip will look decades younger in the morning.”
“Oh, to hell with it,” she muttered, and kissed him right back.
Chapter 22
That night, I simply couldn’t hold it anymore. If I ate one more chunk of that diet crap I was going to scream. My stomach was grumbling and I was so hungry I thought I was going to die. The worst thing was that Odelia had put me on the scale that evening after she came home from dinner and I’d actually gained weight! How was that even possible?!
Of course she had her explanation ready. According to her it was because of that meatball I’d scarfed down, and that meatloaf I’d polished off at Mrs. Cranberry’s house. But I called bullshit on both accounts. How could a little bit of meat result in me gaining weight while I’d been starving all the rest of the day?
I roamed around the house, feeling restless and annoyed, and that’s when I discovered that Odelia had left the kitchen window open! So I climbed up onto the sink, careful not to put my paw in the garbage disposal unit, pushed the window open wider, and gracefully hopped down onto the sill and then to the plastic container right underneath it. Odelia uses it to collect the garbage bags and it’s the perfect landing place for a big-boned cat like me. I know people are always saying how a cat always lands on its feet. Well, if you’re genetically predisposed to be on the more voluminous side, like me, it can be hard to accomplish that feat, especially when jumping down from higher surfaces.
I landed on the container with a heavy thump, and waited for a moment, making sure I hadn’t woken up Odelia. Then I jumped down to the patio and padded off, hoping Dooley still had some tasty morsels he wouldn’t mind sharing with his best friend.
Unfortunately, when I finally had slipped into the house next door, all the bowls were empty: Dooley’s bowl, Harriet’s bowl, and even Brutus’s bowl! How was that even possible?
I quickly made my way up the stairs, careful not to wake up anyone, and nudged open the door to Marge and Doctor Tex’s room. Sure enough, Brutus was asleep on Tex’s side of the bed and Harriet on Marge’s side. So I tiptoed into Gran’s bedroom, which was right down the hall, and found Dooley asleep at the foot of Gran’s bed.
“Psssst!” I said, giving Dooley a slight nudge.
“Hrrrmmbl…” he said in response, and just kept on sleeping.
“Dooley! Wake up!”
The beige cat opened one eye and then closed it again. “Hmmmmmm.”
So I hopped up onto the bed—conveniently a lot lower than Odelia’s—and kicked him off. I watched in wonder to see if he would magically right himself in midair and hit the floor on all fours. Unfortunately for Dooley he hit the floor with his head instead. It made a nice thunking sound as it did. Hollow. Just as I’d expected.
“What’s going on?” Dooley asked as he rubbed the point of impact.
“I’m going foraging,” I told him. “And I need my wingcat.”
He stared at me. “I can’t, Max. My head hurts for some reason.”
“Your head is fine. Let’s go.”
He rubbed the spot for a few beats more, obviously wondering what had happened, then decided to follow me out. “I was dreaming of Harriet,” he said. “She told me to use my dildo to reach her G-spot so I did, but then Brutus showed up and burned me with his V-steamer.”
“You shouldn’t read that kind of stuff before bed, Dooley. You should do like me and dream of steaks and prime ribs and sausages and meatballs and beef tenderloin and…” Well, you get the picture.
We left the house and set out for the great outdoors. I had no idea where we were going but I knew it had to be someplace where we would find food. Lots of food. Any food.
“Where are we going, Max?” asked Dooley after a while.
“Where they have food,” I told him.
“And where is that?”
I thought hard, which was difficult as I was so hungry my mental capacity had become impaired. Honestly, how Odelia expected me to catch killers on an empty stomach was beyond me. And then I got it. “Why don’t we go check out Donna Bruce’s place?”
“Do you think they’ll have food there?”
“Well, they have those two mutts. And where there are mutts, there is always food.”
That’s one of those immutable facts of life, and one you would do well to remember. I know I do. Even at my most feeble, like now, when my survival instincts were kicking in, I still remembered that humans love dogs—even more than they love cats—and always make sure they’re well fed. What most humans don’t know is that cats can also eat dog food, especially when they’re on the verge of dying of starvation, like I was now.
“I don’t know, Max,” said Dooley. “Those dogs weren’t very nice to us the last time.”
“They’ll be fast asleep by now,” I promised him. “We’ll just sneak in and out. They won’t even know we were there.”
Dooley sighed. “Good thing you’re my best friend, Max. I would never do this for Brutus.”
“Do what?”
“Risk life and limb to get you some dog biscuits.”